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Yet another porn one - desperate to feel wanted

(24 Posts)
Pebbles1989 Sun 29-Jan-17 01:52:32

I've name changed for this.

DP and I are both 27 and we've been together for 5 years. In many ways, he is an excellent partner and is very loving and caring towards me - except sexually.

We had a lot of sex in the beginning but it began to taper off after about 6 months, to the point where we had sex about five times in the whole of last year. Due to chronic tiredness and a stressful job, at times I've been happy not to be pestered for sex, but his lack of desire is really starting to get to me. I feel like I am carrying a huge burden of sadness around with me.

Things came to a head earlier this week when I came home drunk and wanted sex. He got an erection but said it was too late for sex. I got very angry with him, after being rejected so many times, and said some pretty hurtful things. He was very apologetic, and insisted that he still wants and fancies me, but his behaviour just doesn't reflect that.

He is a compulsive computer user and probable porn addict. Even when I'm naked, he doesn't look up from his computer (yes, I realise how grim that sounds written down). He uses porn every single day but won't admit how long for. He also never cums with me, which I think might be relevant based on what I have read about the effects of porn. He occasionally used to finish himself off by hand but even that has stopped now. On the very rare occasion we have sex, he just stops after about 20 minutes. I should point out that the sex, when we do have it, is very good.

I would appreciate any words of advice on this. I have told him how low it makes me feel but don't think he understands how serious it is.

Mils45 Sun 29-Jan-17 02:17:41

I literally have no clue about this, obvious answer is he needs help.

But perhaps he's so sucked into porn world, he just can't do real sex anymore. Nothing to do with you at all.

Firstly he has got to get off computer more, and start making an effort. perhaps he can start setting time frames of how long he goes on for and slowly reduce it?

Very unromantic but set time aside where you have sex, no computer before or during?

Or perhaps scrap sex for a bit and just get him off computer?? Go for walks, do an activity together, watch films. Then in time start concentrating on the sex?

user1477282676 Sun 29-Jan-17 02:19:45

Honestly? At your age I'd leave him. You could end up with this man for the next 20 years and lose out on a LOT of fun and nice times with a man who is more suited to a relationship. You're very young to settle.

Littleballerina Sun 29-Jan-17 02:43:03

Why are you with him?

Offred Sun 29-Jan-17 02:49:29

You are 27, why the frigging hell are you wasting your time on this crap?!

esk1mo Sun 29-Jan-17 02:50:36

first of all he has to admit he has a problem, which includes telling you how much time he spends looking each day.

if he doesnt want help then you cant force him, and you'd be better off without him. if he agrees he needs help, then getting rid of the laptop/smart phones will be a start (there is a program called K9 which blocks porn etc on laptops and phones, if he needs his laptop for work). he also needs to see a sex therapist, and probably a relationship counsellor.

TMI but if me and DP havent had sex for a while, he doesnt take long at all to climax (~5 mins or less) so at 27 and not being able to finish from sex - thats serious IMO.

Thadius Sun 29-Jan-17 02:52:53

You deserve better.

EurusHolmes Sun 29-Jan-17 02:56:03

I never understand why some posters think that it's easier to leave someone just because you're in your twenties.

user1485656287 Sun 29-Jan-17 02:57:14

Simple. He needs help. If he doesn't get help, cut your losses and leave.
I like a bit of porn but bloody hell, if my better half stood in front of me naked whilst I was watching England play, I would find out the score the following day.

BamboozledByPaperClips Sun 29-Jan-17 03:05:32

I'm usually never one to say LTB. Loose the dead weight, he won't change.

Leaving a relationship is easier when you have less ties. No children. No joint property etc. Emotionaly it's shit whatever your age.

Offred Sun 29-Jan-17 03:52:13

No-one said easier to leave per se though at 27 you are less likely to have kids, marriage and mortgage making it much easier to leave a shit relationship.

What I meant was at 27, when you are young and free it is absolute lunacy to stick around in a relationship where your partner doesn't want to shag you and spends his time wanking to porn. Total waste of your time and your child bearing years.

AlansJerkin Sun 29-Jan-17 04:05:44

Leave. This will grind you down and is unlikely to ever change. It's not you, it's him, and you cannot change him.
I've seen my sister go from a gorgeous, outgoing young woman to a sad, self-loathing little mouse due to similar. She is now divorced but won't date due to her total lack of confidence - she thinks it's her fault her exH rejected her for a decade and truly believes she's disgusting, it is tragic. Please don't waste your time like my sister did.

BitOfFun Sun 29-Jan-17 04:09:10

What Offred said.

yamahaugh Sun 29-Jan-17 04:22:42

Agh OP, I could have written almost exactly this a few years ago. I was a bit younger than you are now, but with a DH whose porn use was massively impacting our sex life. It felt totally hopeless. I'm really sorry you're going through this

As pp have said, you of course have the choice to leave him. My advice would be to make your decision with your eyes open about the process of change and 'detox' from a porn dependency.

There's been a positive change for us only because DH has put in a huge amount of effort over several years in addressing his porn use. We have had a lot of difficult conversations, and has he acknowledged the problem and took responsibility for the impact it was happening on him and on 'us'. It has been incredibly difficult for him, and I'm really thankful for how hard he's worked at it. I've got a lot of sympathy for how addictive and compulsive porn use can be.

If you think your partner would / will take that sort of responsibility then I think change is totally possible for you. If not, then I think it's unlikely that anything is going to change soon and you should make your decision on that basis.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 29-Jan-17 04:44:02

Time for an ultimatum. You or porn. Which do you think he will choose? If he would pick the latter you'll be well rid.

birdybirdywoofwoof Sun 29-Jan-17 07:14:52

Dump him.

birdybirdywoofwoof Sun 29-Jan-17 07:17:10

I never understand why some posters think that it's easier to leave someone just because you're in your twenties.

The less commitments, the less ties, the less history you have makes it easier to leave.

PastoralCare Sun 29-Jan-17 08:19:45

I recommend you listen to this testimonial from Noah Church, a self-described former porn addict and author of the book Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn.

He describes how he got into heavy porn use, its negative effects (like the symptoms you described) and how he recovered.

www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2016/12/16/dear-sugar-episode-eighty

Pebbles1989 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:02:41

Thanks, everyone.

I am with him because he is clever, funny, and endlessly interesting, but most importantly because he is the kindest man I have ever met. We got together when I was poor and chronically ill - it looked like I might never be well enough to work - and he supported me through all of that. Our relationship is wonderful apart from this one aspect.

I got very upset at the weekend and said that if he doesn't address his problem, I will ask him to leave. He took it very well and admitted that he does have a problem that he needs to address. So far, he seems to be doing that... and I believe what he is saying. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

TheNaze73 Tue 31-Jan-17 01:01:25

Pestering is a key word here.
You say like it that he is not pestering you for sex, yet you pester him for sex, he declines & it becomes a major international incident???
I think both of you may need to look inwardly at your own attitude to sex. No excuses for his excessive porn use but, does he turn to that because, it's hassle free & it's a release without the perceived attitude??

deadringer Tue 31-Jan-17 11:38:02

You love him and you don't want to leave him so I think you need to make him choose, give up porn completely or you leave. Cut off the Internet if necessary at least for the immediate future, make sure he gets whatever help he needs, dr, counselling whatever, he will not stop on his own. No one wants to force their views on their dp, lots of couples enjoy porn together or separately and still manage an active sex life but you and your partner are not one of those couples. If he can't or won't stop you really need to split and make a new life for yourself with someone who makes you happy.

Adora10 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:02:55

He's using porn every single day - deal breaker, something seriously wrong with any person that has a compulsion to use porn daily - he either seeks help as I think he has a problem or you accept this is your life, at 27 or any other age, I'd not.

legzakimbotheatre Tue 31-Jan-17 14:44:53

The not being able to cum is totally a symptom of too much porn use. It's exactly what happened with my partner. He blamed condoms, stress, work, me not having enough sex with him - absolutely everything until he admitted that he was addicted to porn.

I was in a similar situation, we were really poor, my husband is super lovely and kind in all other aspects. His porn use made me feel really self conscious of my body and I was depressed. He decided to stop using porn, it took him a few months (he had lapses) but now everything is much better and we can have normal sex again.

I still feel worried and self conscious about my body and some of the things he said at the time, so it's not all roses. If I hadn't lost all of my self esteem at the time, I would probably have left him.

If he is seriously seeking help, has empathy for you and you feel the relationship is good in other aspects - then it's maybe worth giving him a little time. If after a couple of months, there is no improvement, then I wouldn't waste any further time on him. You will only end up feeling worse and still trying to decide if you should leave him.

Adora10 Tue 31-Jan-17 15:11:31

I wish to god women would stop blaming themselves or how they look on the fact that their partners are dirty sleazy gits who cant go a day without looking at usually far from vanilla porn; I mean fgs, do we not value ourselves a bit more than comparing yourself to a friggin Barbie big tits without feeling shit about yourself - it has nothing to do with how you look, it's to do with these men feeling entitled twats who are always looking for something riskier than before, in other words, get fucken rid of them.

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