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Going downhill since wedding?(13 Posts)
DH and I have been married around 9 months. Ever since the big day I've sensed the relationship going downhill. The sex has gone to shit, he's snappy, moangy and doesn't seem to be that bothered with me. I have to pre- arrange for him to come out with me and the dog once a week and god forbid I ask him to do it more than once a week. (Despite the fact that HE wanted the dog, in the only one that walks it).
I'm feeling really disillusioned and fed up. We don't talk, we don't do stuff together, the sect has turned shite and in all honesty - the only good thing we do together is holidays.
Has anyone else ever realised this less than a year into a marriage?
Probably not quite that early, but I think much of the stress was due to having a baby.
You need to try and talk to him about it in a calm and non accusatory manner. Express how you feel about the situation and ask if he feels happy with the relationship.
I hate to say it, but that kind of behaviour is common when the person is cheating.
With the dog walking, I'd tackle that head on and tell him he wanted the dog and if he doesn't step up, then the dog will be rehomed. I wouldn't accept that.
I didn't accept it when my daughter wanted a cat and then wasn't emptying the litter tray. I told her if she didn't step up, the cat was leaving.
Whatever you do, please don't TTC! Just stall yourself if you get tempted by the prospect of co-parenting with this guy!
This is so sad
Do you still love him ? Has it been a huge mistake ? Be honest with yourself.
Then do the right thing .
I wish you well x
Honestly what was it like beforwcyou got married. Or did you just ignore the cracks coa so much was booked and paid for?
In all honesty I ignored the cracks because going ahead with it seemed easier than cancelling.
I think I've known for longer than the post married days that it wasn't working. I know I don't feel the same about him as I used to. I've even found myself hoping he has an affair just to give me the get out of jail free card.
I've tried talking to him, he denies there is a problem and says it's all in my head.
It isn't supposed to be like that. DH and I have been together 11 years and narried for 6 with 2DC. There are great times and meh times (mostly due to the fatigue that comes with small children) but we always talk, always spend time together and the sex is never shit. Don't settle.
Well, decide here and now that you'll not have any children with him. What may be difficult now, will be 100x worse with kids in tow.
If he's hard to talk to, maybe write him a letter? It sounds like you've both fallen out of love with each other.
You need to stop wasting time with this. It clearly isn't working, and he doesn't seem bothered to do anything about it. You certainly shouldn't be in this position less than a year after marriage. I'd almost understand if you had kids as that's very stressful, takes a toll on your sex life etc, but just the two of you? You should be having a great life together. I'm sorry, OP
Cut your losses.
I know it feels huge but anything is better than living live this.
A few years ago I was the position it sounds like you were in 12 months ago. I had been in a long term relationship, we had a house, a mortgage a joint account and were vaguely discussing children. We were getting married in a few months time.
We were both in complete denial that our relationship had changed. We werent 'in love' any more we were just going through the expected motions.
I used to fantasise in the deepest darkest depths of the night about something happening to him meaning that I would be free to meet someone else.
Long story short he was thankfully braver than me and admitted a few weeks before the wedding that he didnt want go through with it. I pleaded, begged, reminded him of how intertwined our lives were, the people we would be letting down, the mortgage the wedding etc. Eventually I saw sense (with the help of MN!) and we did the unthinkable, cancelled the wedding, sold the house, split up.
Both of us are so so happy now in our new lives. Just because you went through with your wedding doesnt mean you have to stay in the marriage if you know its not right. These things can be undone even if it is painful and heartbreaking to do it.
Is this what you want your life to look like? If not its much better to do it now rather than 5, 10 years down the line with children and a whole heap of resentment in tow.
We will never have kids together. He had a vasectomy when he was with his first wife. This is another sore point. I'm only 35 and kind of resent that I can never have more kids now because of a decision he and his ex wife made. I know that's a bit silly on my part but it's how I feel.
Alicia, thanks for your insight. When I look back there were a number of occasions were we both could have stopped it but neither of us had the balls. See I quite like living on my own so it's not that I'm afraid of being alone. I suppose I'm just afraid of losing what I have, which is a lifestyle more than anything else.
I do work full time, decent career so I can self manage (I've even become obsessed with a house which has been for sale for months now on Rightmove which almost calls out my name periodically!!).
But I would miss him. I don't have bad feelings towards him at all, I just don't think we're working and probably havnt for a while now.
Yep my ex and I remained on good terms throughout and after our relationship ending. We have lost touch to a certain extent now as our lives have moved in very different directions and at times I do miss him and still look back fondly on some bits of the time we had together. We basically spent our entire twenties together so it would be hard not to!
A huge part of the 'fear' for me was ending a long term relationship in my early 30s and just how long it would take to get to the marriage and children stage again with someone else. It sounds like mentally you already ahead of where I was on that one so thats a good start.
Its time to have a chat and see if both of you still want this. If you do both want it then you can start trying to fix what is wrong.
Carrying on making do however is just going to make both of you unhappy, eventually one of you may do something silly which ends the relationship on bad terms and ruining any happy memories, rather than being able to walk away on good terms and move on.
I'm only 35 and kind of resent that I can never have more kids now because of a decision he and his ex wife made. I know that's a bit silly on my part but it's how I feel.
So get out now. Honestly, you know you should have stopped this before the marriage. Go see that house and kick start a new life.
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