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Gaslighting

(10 Posts)
OhBlissOhJoy Sat 28-Jan-17 23:45:11

After I split from STBXH I realised that he was a narcissist. To be honest, he'd told me as such when we were together but didn't know what it meant and he seemed quite proud of it so didn't give it too much thought hmm
Anyway, since splitting up his behaviour has been truly terrible. Mind games, threats, then "I'm only acting like this because I'm so confused and sad". I've been NC for a couple of months but due to the imminent sale of our house and having to discuss our financial settlement we have been back in touch for a couple of days.
I don't want to go into too much detail as it is very identifying but he is being very nice and reasonable at the moment. He is playing down one part of the financial settlement because this is what he clearly wants me to agree to while making a very generous (but money small) offer. He has also started gaslighting me. I know what he is doing, I know it is bs but each time I react to it and check myself to make sure I haven't done what I have been accused of - even though I know I haven't! Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with this?

Offred Sat 28-Jan-17 23:53:33

It's hard to advise without specifics but if you have concerns about ID I would highly recommend talking to womensaid in your area. They have sat with me in the past and gone through situations and given me replies for particular things which have been amazingly helpful.

Happyinthehills Sat 28-Jan-17 23:55:04

Ignore what he's saying and do what's best for you.

Offred Sat 28-Jan-17 23:55:24

Usually the general thing is trying to keep the conversation on track so if you are discussing financial division and he tries to divert onto blame game saying things like 'we are not discussing x we need to make a decision about y. What is it you propose? I think z'

Offred Sat 28-Jan-17 23:57:38

If he messes you about with anything closing each conversation with a summary and prompting him to agree so 'right so you will pick dc up at x time on y date yes? <response> we will see you at x time on y date then'

SandyY2K Sat 28-Jan-17 23:59:22

If you can converse through a third party then do so. Let him go via your solicitor or let him communicate in writing, so you have time to digest the info and decide how to reply.

OhBlissOhJoy Sun 29-Jan-17 00:12:17

No DCs. This is just about our financial settlement.
I'm just wondering how people cope with gaslighting?

CreamTeaTotty Sun 29-Jan-17 00:26:18

I normally repeat back what I understand and know to be true two or three times "No, you that's not right I/you said this..." and then refuse to engage further. Change the subject or walk away. I communicate a lot now by text, notes and letters so he has less chance of doing it. Or have conversations on front of others. It drives him mad though and the moods will last for days.

Deadsouls Sun 29-Jan-17 00:33:55

Don't take anything he says on board or at face value. It's nonsense and delusional. Don't try to work it out as it won't make sense.
Try not to get into prolonged conversation with him.
Do gray-rock. As in don't react, explain or defend. Say hardly anything if you can help it.
The less personal interaction the better as interaction gives him the opportunity to employ gas lighting. Remember that he is a delusional narcissist. He says things that aren't true, that go against logic.
If possible, it's best to interact, if you have to by email, so it's written down if you need it. Same rules apply, keep communication to a minimum. Trust yourself and your reality. You know what is true.

fuckoffdailysnail Sun 29-Jan-17 00:36:00

OP I don't have much advice, but after being in a previous relationship with a narc (I didn't realise the full extent until I had left) I can tell you that 3 years later I still feel bitter about how he treated me and question my self worth. With the help of my lovely DP I am now seeking therapy.
Stay strong and well done for getting out of the relationship

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