Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

(288 Posts)
Bamboofordinneragain Sat 28-Jan-17 17:43:08

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...
Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

lougle Sat 28-Jan-17 17:47:03

I feel for you. You can't unsee that.

PidgeyfinderGeneral Sat 28-Jan-17 17:47:32

I would forget you saw it and stay well out of it.

mineallmine Sat 28-Jan-17 17:48:45

I would try to erase it from my mind and not share with anyone else. That's rotten for you.

Slimmingsnake Sat 28-Jan-17 17:50:32

Forget you saw it....tell yourself they just looked like yr's a thought...big smile to yr friend that you saw...I had a lovely coffee in this cafe in blah blah blah place? Have you ever been...see how she reacts..

Earlybird Sat 28-Jan-17 17:51:34

Maybe have a quiet word with the woman and tell her what you saw. Tell her you are not judging her / them, but at the very least, they need to be more discreet.

It is a very difficult situation, but would be even more painful for all involved if news of their relationship got out from an incident like this.

user1471462701 Sat 28-Jan-17 17:52:33

I would tell me husband, even if it does go any further than that. I wouldn't keep secrets from my husband

PaterPower Sat 28-Jan-17 17:53:24

Ugh, what a situation to be in. Are you close to the guy's wife? Enough that you'd feel an overriding obligation to tell her?

I'd probably err on the side of pretending you've not seen them, shite (and slightly cowardly) as that will feel.

Chances are that this will come out in the wash fairly soon - affairs often do, particularly if it's about more than just sex, as this seems to be.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 28-Jan-17 17:54:37

I would say nothing. If you do tell her you saw you will be complicit in the deceit if they don't confess all ASAP

Interestingangelfish Sat 28-Jan-17 17:57:41

I wouldn't say anything either. You can never know what is going on in someone else's marriage, anyway.

Sounds like they are taking no trouble to conceal it - is the town you were in close to where you all live? Maybe they're about to come clean - perhaps their spouses already know, and, for whatever reason, accept it.

Thinkingblonde Sat 28-Jan-17 17:59:24

I would say nothing. ( and have done the same, kept it to myself)
Not easy but it isn't your drama

Bamboofordinneragain Sat 28-Jan-17 18:01:18

The town is about 30 miles away, so not an obvious destination.
Thank you for all your wise words, it seems like the right thing not to open this one up before it does it all by itself. We are all meeting up tonight, it's going to be horrible.

Bluntness100 Sat 28-Jan-17 18:03:23

I also wouldn't say anything. It is horrible for you knowing though.💐

Bamboofordinneragain Sat 28-Jan-17 18:03:46

The only difficulty is not telling my OH. I have never kept anything from him,
But as Thinkingblonde says, not my drama, so maybe not his either.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sat 28-Jan-17 18:03:49

I don't think I could keep quiet. My mum was cheated on by my dad and the hardest part was that so many of their friends knew for years before she did

Lessthanaballpark Sat 28-Jan-17 18:05:03

I would convince yourself you saw them just walking along as friends, no hand holding. You could drop it in that way saying you saw them but couldn't say hello.

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Jan-17 18:05:33

Why wouldn't you tell your partner?

Ilovecaindingle Sat 28-Jan-17 18:07:54

Slip them both a quiet note to say you know but won't be saying anything. And that if it all blows up you never knew. . But they need to be deciding what they are doing long term before people get hurt. ..

Cosmicglitterpug Sat 28-Jan-17 18:08:12

I would also tell my DH, beyond that, I'm not sure.

tabithasgran Sat 28-Jan-17 18:10:44

Why not drop into the conversation your trip out to Xxx on Xxx and that you had a lovely time people watching while you had a coffee overlooking the square - that lets them know without actually talking to them about it ? It's their mess not yours !

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 28-Jan-17 18:10:49

If another of your close friendship group knew that your DH was having an affair with one of your best friends, would you want them to tell you?

That's really what it boils down to for me. So yes, I'd either tell the woman that you saw them or maybe ask DH to tell the man (as he's a close friend) - and give them the chance to come clean themselves.

Catsize Sat 28-Jan-17 18:12:36

I think you should tell your husband.

Besides, if it all comes out later, are you going to be all fake surprised?

EweAreHere Sat 28-Jan-17 18:16:00

I agree with Santas. If you would want to know, I would talk to your DH about 'how' to approach one or both of them, not 'if'.

Trills Sat 28-Jan-17 18:18:21

I would tell my DH what I had seen, and decide together what (if anything) to do next.

SemiNormal Sat 28-Jan-17 18:18:50

I have told in the past and would do again because having been cheated on and knowing that other people knew and didn't tell me actually hurt more than the cheating somehow. It's shit to be stuck in the middle but the non-cheating partners may have their suspcisions and be going out of their minds wondering if they're imagining it all.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now