Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Up& down ex ruined a new relationship

(25 Posts)
pinkbutterfly941 Sat 28-Jan-17 12:33:22

Last night my on and off ex officially ended it. (I need to say that we're 4 hours away from each other & both late 30's.) We'd been on & off for MONTHS. Stopped talking for weeks at times, but always came back to each other. 
I started talking to someone else in December, (I'll call him S) and although it was just chatting it did put a smile on my face. Anyway, on New Years Day my ex called me and asked if I was prepared to give this one more go. He invited me to his and said we'd chat, iron out all the problems and move forward together. I agreed. 

I spent last weekend with my ex, yes, it was good. On the night I got there we both went to a bar got drunk and he told me that i'm his world and he cares about me in a huge way. S rang to find out if I was in a bar in my town as he was heading there with a few friends. My ex answered the phone while I was in the bathroom and told S that he needs to back off as I'm "his girl" and he's not having anyone else talking to me. 

When I left my ex, he asked to see me again this weekend. I agreed and drove back home feeling like we were back on track.  
Anyway, long story short. My ex messaged me on Tuesday & told me that was it. We can't go any further. His heart is saying no & he's sorry if he led me on at any point during the weekend. Oh and what he said when he was drunk was 'all sh*t' because he was too drunk to realise what he was saying. 

I left him alone for a few days and he messaged me yesterday. We had a text argument lasting from 1pm - 10.30 last night! It went on & on. He said he cares, but not in the way I want him too, he's moving on and so should I. So I told him I had, but he put an end to that! I sent my ex a message from S saying what my ex said on the phone to S. He said (& this is an actual message from my ex) 
"Just stop going over things! Already told you that I don't remember anything so it's all irrelevant!!! Just shows you what he really thinks of you. He's a moron!!!"

We went around in circles for hours. But occasionally my ex would say something like "it's just best this way. That's all 😔" 
At one point he said "I knew it was a bad idea!" (Seeing me) 
So I put "YOU were the one who invited me to stay at yours. I would never have invited myself"
His reply
"Do it. You can." 

S has now blocked me on everything and refuses to speak to me as he says that my ex was sober enough to warn him off therefore means there's still something there. My ex ended last nights messages with "you care too much about me, that's exactly why nothing can happen". 

So now I feel rubbish about myself. I've blocked my ex on everything and deleted all social media. I just don't know where else to go from here? We've been backwards and forwards so many times now, but I'm actually really really sad that this time it's done for good. 

SandyY2K Sat 28-Jan-17 12:40:17

People always use alcohol as an excuse. Of course he knows what he said to you, but it doesn't mean he meant it.

I can't blame S for how he feels either. There will be another guy out there for you to connect with, but never get back with your Ex.

The person who cares least in a relationship has the most power. Your Ex didn't care as much as you do/did.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 28-Jan-17 12:42:00

Why are you sad, he's done you a massive favour, he sounds like a complete arse

Did S know you were on/off with this other guy? If so, he's also an arse to be put off so easily

Forget them both, there will be someone better along

PaterPower Sat 28-Jan-17 12:45:17

It's understandable, but deep down you know you will get over him.

I think you'll have to let S go. If he wasn't aware you were still seeing ex then he's going to have felt betrayed and hurt when ex filled him in on where you were. Fwiw it sounds like you were a bit shabby to him.

I know it's not the habit in dating ATM, but I think you'd be better off concentrating on one person at a time and seeing where it leads and trust your instincts when they tell you (like with ex) that it wasn't really going to work.

HardcoreLadyType Sat 28-Jan-17 12:46:48

No, you ruined your potential relationship with S by going out with your ex.

Your ex sounds like an arse, but he is right in this one thing - you need to move on.

HecateAntaia Sat 28-Jan-17 12:52:08

Do you think your ex doesnt want to be with you but just doesnt want you to have anyone else. So when he scuppered that he dumped you.
Maybe he just likes being able to pick you back up any time he feels like it.

In your shoes, i would make this the very last 'on again' ever.

TGItsNotChristmasAnymore Sat 28-Jan-17 12:56:49

I can't blame s for reacting that way, he obviously has enough sense to not get himself involved in someone else's drama. Tbh I think what you did wasn't very nice but you clearly have emotional ties to the ex, which isn't your fault.
Unfortunately your ex is either a twat,just doesn't give a shit or very confused, eirher way I'd be running for the hills.
Personally it sounds like he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to, in anycase it's over now. Keep him blocked and do what we have all had to at some point and get over him.
Heartbreak is the worst feeling but you need to just give it time, and stay single while you're doing it, it really isn't fair to get involved with others when you're still emotionally/physically involved with someone else.

magoria Sat 28-Jan-17 13:10:29

You decided you wanted to try with your ex again over S.

He rightly has said you are not done there so he is blowing out.

Your ex didn't ruin it.

TheNaze73 Sat 28-Jan-17 13:34:31

You ruined it & are lashing out & looking for excuses. You are the only one to blame here.
If you're honest with yourself, S was only ever an option, because as soon as your ex clicked his fingers you went a running.
Valuable life lesson

pinkbutterfly941 Sat 28-Jan-17 13:38:44

Sorry, I should of made that clear. Me & S were messaging on a flirty point. He knew the situation with my ex & he was on board with me going to see him to see if there was anything from my side rather than what I'd just built up in my head. We'd talked about it to some length and I said it was all on my side not my ex's.
So when my ex said that to S on the phone, S said it wasn't JUST from my side & he wasn't going to get in the way of 2 people.

OneWithTheForce Sat 28-Jan-17 13:39:11

Err I'd run a fucking mile if someone I was beginning to date was still seeing their ex. You ruined your own chances. Your ex just told him what was happening. You need to get your head sorted. Stay the fuck away from your head fucking ex and get your mind straightened out before you start messing other people around.

ivykaty44 Sat 28-Jan-17 14:05:58

How can you go straight from one relationship into another?

Why not have some time getting over this on off relationship with ex before embarking on a new one

pinkbutterfly941 Sat 28-Jan-17 14:14:06

I wasn't going straight from one into another. I was only talking to S, as I'm still in love with my ex.

SalemsCat Sat 28-Jan-17 14:18:48

You need time to get over your ex before you even look for a new relationship. I'm not surprised by S response, you were stringing him along.

HermioneJeanGranger Sat 28-Jan-17 14:31:59

I feel sorry for S.

Lweji Sat 28-Jan-17 14:37:00

In a way you were stringing both along. No wonder both have dumped you.
Talking with S trying to get over ex?
Trying with ex but still flirting with S?
Not fair on either.

Oddsockspissmeoff Sat 28-Jan-17 14:58:45

We had a text argument lasting from 1pm - 10.30 last night!

I couldn't cope with this sort of drama.

Penfold007 Sat 28-Jan-17 15:19:39

S has dodged a bullet and done the right thing blocking you.

KateDaniels2 Sat 28-Jan-17 15:27:09

If i was S i would have blocked you too.

Far to early to get dragged into all this drama. Make sure you move on from your ex properly before starting something new with someone.

pinkbutterfly941 Sat 28-Jan-17 15:37:50

It's not like I was stringing S along. He knew all along what was happening. Numerous times I told him nothing to would happen between the 2 of us, we flirted, but that's it. We weren't in a relationship or anything close to even thinking about a date!

OneWithTheForce Sat 28-Jan-17 15:42:06

So what exactly has been ruined then? hmm

You have a lot of growing up to do. Don't inflict yourself on another person until you have.

pinkbutterfly941 Sat 28-Jan-17 15:44:22

The possibility of a new relationship down the line.

OneWithTheForce Sat 28-Jan-17 15:53:05

Who are you trying to kid here other than yourself? There never would have been the chance of a relationship with him. You and your ex will continue to dance round each other until he meets someone he actually does love enough to leave you alone.

Lweji Sat 28-Jan-17 15:53:48

So, you were keeping him as back up?

Isetan Sun 29-Jan-17 04:40:44

There's always the possibility when hedging your bets that neither work out. You're feeling sorry for yourself but when that subsides, hopefully you'll realise you weren't the victim here.

Learn the lesson from this debacle and move on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now