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What is reasonable to expect?

(8 Posts)
hotelzanzibar Sat 28-Jan-17 10:30:07

I've been with my DP for nearly 17 years and we now have kids. In that time he has organised 1 family holiday ( for his friends wedding) and a handful of nights out ( mostly work do's which he invites me to and then calls a date night). When I ask him to be involved, or just interested in finding time together as a couple, he says "why would I want to spend time with you anyway?" or "I don't know what you want to do". He manages to organise nights out and trips with friends without any problem and is always very excited about them. In the meantime I organise every family holiday and event, have arranged frequent date nights and, most recently, counselling for us. In our counselling sessions he will accept that he has some issues to work on but outside of the sessions he refuses to seek any help for himself or to change. I've addressed the fact that I am quick to take over family admin etc and have tried to take a more hands off approach. I have had my own therapy which has helped me a lot with boundaries.
My question is this: am I a mug to carry on like this? Or, if your partner is like this, have you found a way to stay together and hang on to your self respect at the same time?
I am concentrating on making my own happiness - friends, hobbies etc but at the moment I feel sure that even on my own, I couldn't feel less lonely.

everycloudandallthatjazz Sat 28-Jan-17 11:49:52

What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like you are putting all the effort and he is putting in none whatsoever. To be honest I think you would be happier without him, but if you want to make things work I do think you need to tell him you are unhappy and are going to end the relationship if things don't change.

Have you ever spoken to him about separating? If so, how did he react?

hotelzanzibar Sun 29-Jan-17 22:13:38

We have had a fair few conversations/rows about this but nothing has changed. If I didn't have kids I probably would have been gone a long time ago but I keep hanging on for him to change. And I know that he probably won't.

Trustyourself2 Sun 29-Jan-17 23:21:47

Was he serious when he said "why would I want to spend time with you anyway?"? If so, that sounds very sad. I'd be heartbroken if I had a DP who said that to me. It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you - so sorry to say that, but he's not making any effort just for you.

You could give him another chance to improve, but if that doesn't have the desired effect, then you must do what's best for you.

hotelzanzibar Tue 31-Jan-17 14:01:35

Trust - I think you're right really. The hardest thing is to accept that - because it is sad - and move on. I think I've always had the tendency to try to "fix" things but I'm realising now that I can't change him or the way he behaves and I think he has become really passive aggressive towards me. I would just love for things to be right for the sake of the kids who I know will be devastated if we split. And I worry they will blame me, my DH has never been good at putting forward a united front, let alone with something like this. I think he will be furious that I might leave, even though I think it's what he wants. What a mess.

Adora10 Tue 31-Jan-17 16:40:02

Sounds like he's not interested in family life so don't stay with him out of some duty to your children, they won't thank you for it; you are both showing them how a dysfunctional relationship works anyway, him doing his own thing and you nagging.

I'd say no man is worth the effort you see to be and want to put in, he's either in the team or he's out; this is not how a good healthy relationship works; if things carry on as they are then things will disintegrate even more, and perhaps to the extent that he may cheat when out, but regardless, you should not have to put up with living like this.

Huskylover1 Tue 31-Jan-17 16:44:53

"why would I want to spend time with you anyway?"

If he actually said the above, I'm afraid it's time to walk away. You can hand on heart say that you tried your best too.

everycloudandallthatjazz Wed 01-Feb-17 04:44:44

I think he will be furious that I might leave, even though I think it's what he wants

Well he is not really putting anything at all into the relationship, or even being kind to you - so why should he be furious? If he put the same level of effort into a job he would be sacked. It really sounds to me like he is with you for convenience / to meet his needs around the house etc and to enable him to see his DC every day with you sharing (or more likely doing most of) the parenting. You deserve better than that!

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