Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Just found out my wife has cheated on me.(275 Posts)
Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.
It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.
We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.
When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.
Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.
I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.
She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.
I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.
I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.
I need help. Please.
First of all lots of men are on here.you are more than welcome here.
I'm so sorry for what she did to you
is there any way you can have couples councelling to get to work through it (if you are willing of course)
I'm sorry this has happened. Is she coming to talk to you. Is she sorry. You will be okay
I'm so sorry.
Only time will allow you to process the situation and you will go through every emotion under the sun but you will come out the other side of this. You absolutely will.
She sounds utterly horrendous.
Somebody with more experience will be along at some point about getting your ducks in a row.
Sorry I can't be more helpful but I didn't want to not reply to your post.
Sorry this has happened. I am male and 5 years ago was in your position. So I know that feeling well,
My wife didn't know I found out. I confronted the other guy telling him I would out him to his wife, and work, and basically screw up his life if he didn't get lost. I was very cold, emotionless and calm with him.
I then concentrated on addressing all the flaws in our relationship.
You poor thing. I'm so sorry.
You need something sweet to drink. Can you make a quick tea? Can I suggest getting under a shower or into a warm bath as well? You are in shock and need to take quick action to calm yourself down.
You are going to be OK. The worst is already over. You have strength. Don't be afraid of the pain - it's temporary and it can't kill you. Let it occur and let it pass in its own time.
It's OK to hurt. You aren't always going to hurt.
I'm sending you a hand hold. Xx
Goodness me, that's so awful. What a horrible thing for her to do. Can you see yourself trying to make it work or are you done with her? I'm so sorry for you
I'm so sorry she has done this to you. I'm sure you'll get some great advice here on how to move forward.
Get yourself a drink and take deep breaths. You're going to have to decide what you want to do next but you don't need to rush.
Don't assume your wife is on the point of walking out on you - she might well realise very soon that she's made a huge mistake. You need to decide how you want to move forward - would you be prepared to forgive her, or is her betrayal final in your eyes?
There's a huge gap between consummating an emotional affair in a cheap hotel, and walking away from your whole life - husband, children, house, finances. You're in a state of shock now and panicking, but you have more time than you think, and you need to take control - decide whether you want to forgive her and try to make the marriage work - or if you think it's over, as pps have said, to get your ducks in a row.
She told you that she wasn't happy only after she had developed an emotional affair (at least that's what she claimed it was) Then you resigned from your councillor duties to spend more time with her, and she went out to have sex with that guy? So cold and heartless, doesn't sound like she even wanted to try to make it work with you.
Does your wife have a job? If not (or only PT) it stands reasonable that the kids should be living with her, and you'd have to pay child support. You may struggle a bit but should be doable, the calculation is based on your income.
Thanks all, I really appreciate your words of support. She has a full time job in our local authority (which is where she met this kid, who's an apprentice there).
I have always said and reiterated in the very brief conversation we had that I expect her to leave and I will be bringing up our children as the main parent. I can't have her taking away my ambitions, then my hopes and dreams, then my children.
I don't know how I'll do it though. Over the past six months I have taken on all of her credit card and other debts by taking out 0% interest credit cards so she doesn't get charged interest, so I now have all of our combined debt in my own name.
I can't see us working this out. I can't ever see me trusting here again, nor ever being able to forget what she did. I also can't ever see me being enough for her. I've given her everything she ever asked for and it obviously wasn't either enough or the right things.
Wish I could pass out right now.
Hopefully someone with more knowledge will come and correct me or confirm it, but the fact that you are married, it shouldn't matter whose debt the name is in, it will be considered as a joint debt.
Hand hold here as well
She isn't coming home tonight. I have asked to meet her tomorrow as we need to talk about how we are going to tell the children about this.
I've no idea where to start with this. How do I tell them that their family life as they know it is over, and do it without bursting into tears again myself? How can I be strong and stable for them when I can barely bring myself to say a single word aloud?
Good luck tomorrow. This forum is a wealth of knowledge and people will be here for you.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I can't come up with too many wise words at the moment but I know that you must be feeling incredibly lonely right now. There are other threads that may help you. Try and stay strong for your kids as they will also find it tough and very soon will cotton on, especially the 12 yo. OM sounds like a toy boy - he won't be around for long IMO but if you decide to have her back you need to get from her why she did this. I guess this will be painful. Make sure you don't get heated in any discussion in case this is used against you. When you're feeling upset, maybe thinking about your lovely kids will help. It can be a lonely time, especially in the middle of the night. As PP have said, it may not be all over, especially if you don't want it to be.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Although the children will know something is wrong, I'd suggest not telling them too much tomorrow - just something vague about Mum away for work this weekend. Only until emotions are less raw and you are over the shock.
If your wife works full-time, were you the main carer or did you have help with childcare?
You will get through this.
If you have family nearby perhaps you can draw on them for support with childcare over the next few days?
Yes, I agree with Diana not to open up too much too the kids yet and you may feel tempted to. As it's the weekend focus on their activities as much as you are able to and don't look inwards if you possibly can. Very hard, I know.
I agree with IsNot if the marriage is to end then it's her responsibility to tell the children and to tell them why. But that doesn't have to happen immediately. Give yourself a week or two to get your head around it and get some plans in place first. It will be (slightly) less stressful for the children if the pair of you can give off an air of calm acceptance about it rather than blurting it out while you are in a highly distressed state and unable to answer any of their questions because it's all too new and raw.
The fact that your wife chose to tell you she was unhappy in the relationship before you actually found out about the other man does rather indicate that the marriage probably will not survive this. Sometimes people have flings in the belief that they will never get caught and when they do it gives them a massive wake up call and they will move heaven and earth to keep their marriage, but sadly this doesn't sound one of those situations even if you wanted to give her another chance.
If possible try to get friends or grandparents to take them off both your hands as much as possible over the next few days so you can get some space and time to talk this through. I know you will have that sick feeling in the pit of our stomach and your head will be reeling while you try to act completely normal for the sake of your children.
Also, prepare yourself for the fact that in spite of everything, she may force a situation where you must move out and live alone and she stays in the house with the children. It's sad when you've done nothing wrong but it's the harsh reality of marriage breakdown so you'd better be prepared for that and work on a plan that allows you to go for 50:50 residency rather than assuming you can just ask her to leave. It's a rare woman that agrees to walks out on her children and hand over residency to her ex, irrespective of the circumstances of the marriage breakdown.
The kids are awake. I managed just under 20 minutes sleep, so have told them I'm not very well. I've asked my dad to take them for the day, but despite the fact that he knows what is going on he says he is too busy looking after a dog today to take them for a bit. I'm struggling to hold it together, and really hoped he and his wife could have taken them even for half an hour.
As it is, I'm feeling more alone than ever. I don't want to get friends round as I don't know what to say. Still no word from her this morning. I assume she is still sleeping off the wine from last night.
In a bad place right now.
I know you're hurting, but don't send the children off, go and do something with them together.
Your family life has just suffered a tremendous blow, you need something to restore your faith in it.
Take all the children out for the day.
If your wife comes home to an empty house, it will bring home to her exactly what she could lose.
Sadly for you, your wife's infidelity does not guarantee that she has to leave you, the children and the house. You could end up being the one to leave. Shit, I know
I'm so sorry OP - my ex husband left me and the kids about two years ago for someone else. The impact and emotional state you are in cannot be underestimated. It's highly unlikely that this kid will stick around or that your wife would eventually want him long term. I can only urge you to do one thing - DO NOT do the 'pick me' dance. It does not work. I begged, cried, wrote long letters and texts reminding my ex of all we had and it was like talking to a wall. I know now it would have been better to have taken the initiative and control - told him he was leaving and that I was seeing a solicitor. Never mind what she wants now - what do you want? Would you have her back? Not 'back how things were before' which obviously you want but can't have but back after all this? It's ok to say yes.
As for the kids I agree that you need to just try and keep a lid on things for a few days if you can and then SHE gets to tell them, with you present what is happening and why. In the meantime, try and eat - anything you can manage and if it's practical, maybe go and take a day or two at a friends house or your parents so you can call apart completely if you need to.
You'll get lots of support on here - keep posting if you can.
Sending a huge amount of love to you.
Being cheated in was one of the worst pains I've ever experienced. And it takes a very long time to heal. But you will. You just have to ride out the shit storm and be strong for your kids.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.