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trouble understanding husband's behaviour

7 replies

MochaChica · 28/01/2017 00:20

We had a massive fight, dh went on a business trip. I told him I am leaving but next day when I calmed down, I realised we both were wrong. I texted him, and he said he thought i was leaving for good, and he couldn't focus on very important meetings as he wanted to be with me, and miss me badly. He agreed he would go to therapist, and looking forward to returning home. Today he came back. He acted normal (like nothing ever happened), talked about his work stuff, didn't ask me much and went to watch TV. In his defence he was a bit tired but he had no trouble talking about work politics, etc. Am I being selfish in expecting a little attention from him? IMO, when you miss your partner badly, you show a bit of excitement when you meet. I don't want to mention this to him, he gets upset easily, and I am afraid of another fight.

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HarmlessChap · 28/01/2017 00:33

Not easy to say but saying you're leaving then saying you're staying when you calmed down is bound to be quite hurtful. Maybe he's trying to avoid a fight too. Maybe he's expecting you to make the 1st move?

Are you both seeing a therapist or is it just him that is required to do so?

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TheStoic · 28/01/2017 00:48

He's just been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Give him a chance to decompress, then come together when you are both relaxed.

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Lillygolightly · 28/01/2017 01:04

It can be difficult after a big fight especially ones where hurtful things have been said and even more so when threats of leaving have been made.

I agree with stoic the guys has just been on an emotional roller coaster and has had to hold himself together during some important work meetings.

Whilst you have both agreed it was wrong and agreed to seek therapy the hurt and fear still remains, it doesn't just disappear because the word sorry was used or a truce was agreed.

Give him time let him decompress and recover (right now he probably just wants a little normality) when he is ready he will come to you and you can talk about it.

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MochaChica · 28/01/2017 01:32

He was the one who asked me to leave in fight. He got so angry he left home. He said some very hurtful things. Next day I told him I will leave. He left for business trip. After 2 days I messaged and he said he thought I had already left, and he was happy I stayed. He wanted to be with me. He came back after a week, and shows no happiness to see me here. All he wanted to do was talk about himself and watch tv. I feel he missed me when he thought i was gone, and now is back to taking me for granted since I am still here. Thanks for your replies.

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Lillygolightly · 28/01/2017 01:45

Sorry Mocha I didn't realise he asked you to leave. In that case he probably want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen so is continuing with the status quo.

Hopefully therapy helps and it's good you e both agreed to do that.

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TheNaze73 · 28/01/2017 09:11

I think relationship counselling may be an option if you both want this to work. I can see his point

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MochaChica · 28/01/2017 09:49

Thanks Naze. He hasn't asked for therapy. He has finally agreed. He didn't send message on his own, he responded to mine. I have been asking to go for couple therapy for over a year now. He changed his mind many times. I am not even sure if he will go as he agreed before few times and then refused to go.
I wasn't asking about therapy. I am very close to giving up. I have been taken for granted from the beginning of our marriage, on top of it every time I tried to discuss our issues, he blew up. He has anger issues. I feel very lonely and unloved. He knows this doesn't care to do anything about it. I thought this fight was a turning point as I was packing and ready to leave. He went to business trip day after our fight. He never contacted me. Two days later I sent him a message asking how he was. That's when he asked where I was. I said I was still thinking if this is what we should do. On this he told me he missed me badly and didn't want to be on this business trip and that now he is ready to go to therapist. Few days later when he came back. He didn't show any emotion. What I don't understand is if he really thought I would go for good and he was missing me badly, why didnt he show any emotion when he returned. It's not that he was quiet. He was only interested in talking about his trip, work. I am just wondering if he is back to taking me for granted now that he knows I have stayed. From his behaviour it doesn't look like he gives a shit I am around. I am no expert but anybody in his shoes would have shown some excitement to see me if he really meant what he wrote. I am almost regretting not leaving. Am I expecting too much? In what way you see his point. I really want to know his perspective. I am too afraid to ask him, he would blow up.