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Please help me get over an emotionally abusive relationship

(32 Posts)
Greaterexpectations Fri 27-Jan-17 22:11:39

I'm a long time lurker and so many of your posts have helped me in both making the decision to leave the emotionally abusive relationship I was in and to start to get over it. Luckily the relationship was only a few months old and I started to see a lot of red flags very early so I got out quickly but that doesn't seem to have made it any easier to move on from (its only been a few weeks though). I think the fact it was still the early stages of the relationship meant that for at least 60% of the time he was the man I was falling in love with so I'm missing that 'nice' side of him and the man who I connected with and who said all the right things. I can't stop wondering whether the next woman he pursues will get only the good side of him and not the jealous, irrational, angry, emotional blackmailer who I luckily walked away from??

I know it's crazy for me to think like this and writing it down is helping me to see that but can or will an abusive man ever be different with a different woman? Can he get into a new relationship and be only the good side of him or will the abusive controlling behaviour always come out eventually? As far as I know he's done nothing to try to change his ways in the form of therapy etc and one of the reasons I left so early on was because of the way he talked about his exes and I got the feeling that he'd treated them in many of the same ways that he was starting to treat me so clearly he has been like this for a long time but I think he always used MH issues and a 'bad childhood' as excuses. I'm hoping this post makes sense. I think I just want peace of mind that I made the right decision and in a way I'd like to know that the next woman he starts a relationship with is someone who I should feel sorry for and not envious of. Eventhough I ended the relationship and chose to walk away which I know was the right decision for me I almost feel like the next woman might get lucky and if this time he learns from his mistakes then she will only get the good bits and not the bad??? Crazy I know but can a different woman make the difference by itself or will an abusive man always be abusive unless he undergoes extensive therapy??

vonny81 Fri 27-Jan-17 22:36:46

I am currently in a mess with my ex, everything you said I can relate to. I got a book from Google play shop whatever it's called! It's called 'why does he do that' it has helped me so much, I need to continue reading it actually!
And the simple answer is, no he won't change, and the ones that have therapy etc resist the advice and say there's nothing wrong with them! He has done it plenty of times before and he will do it again. He will put this doubt in your mind and miss all the nice things. Well done on spotting and getting out early. Have a sample read at that book for free, it's ace xx

Greaterexpectations Sat 28-Jan-17 16:54:18

Thanks vonny I'm so glad someone can relate to my slightly irrational thoughts. If I ever have a wobble again I'll take a look at that book. Things seem to get easier everyday since I ended it and getting my thoughts out of my head and written down last night seems to have helped a lot. I've realised that he'll most likely never change and that the next woman he goes after (and every woman after that) will get the same treatment as me sooner or later. I wasn't willing to put up with it and I'm so much happier away from him

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 28-Jan-17 17:02:29

Op, honestly feel you've just written about my previous relationship.
He was very emotionally abusive!
He also spoke about his ex gfs in a really disgusting way so I can only imagine what he says about me!

I also wonder if his new gf will be the one he changes for or whether he won't be able to help himself & treat her how he did me, considering he treated the girl before me exactly the same.

Doesn't stop me from thinking he'll treat her the way he should have me!

QuiteLikely5 Sat 28-Jan-17 17:07:47

Well done for getting out!

This man is damaged goods and his sbusive childhood will shape his personality forever.

He will go on to abuse others and also ruin children's lives if he is allowed to subject them to the abusive way he treats women.

Be grateful you got out. You can look back but why the hell would you want to?!

Greaterexpectations Sat 28-Jan-17 19:44:48

Quitelikely you hit the nail on the head. Last night was a major wobble but why would anyone want to look back?! If he changes then good for him but I can't see it happening anytime soon and I can't see that one woman is going to make the difference. There'll always be a trigger point eventually. I'm just taking positives from the experience now. I spotted the red flags and got out early despite massive emotional blackmail from him when I ended it. It's proven to me that I'm a lot stronger than I thought and I deserve someone who treats me right all the time and not only when it suits them.

ArchibaldsDaddy Sat 28-Jan-17 19:51:42

Who knows what he will be like with his next partner...but that's also none of your business and nor should you care. You've left, which was the right thing to do and you will not benefit from dwelling on the whole thing any further.

This whole thing should now be fully in the past - do not let this lurk any further into your future.

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 28-Jan-17 19:54:00

Glad to hear it op, you are much stronger than I am!

For some silly reason, I wasn't strong enough to walk away from my ex and still stupidly miss him, wishing I could rewind all that happened that was negative and stay with him....because I'm fucking stupid! hmm

vonny81 Sat 28-Jan-17 20:12:56

Quark, you and me both, my ex is currently dragging us through the courts system, and even though I am 'winning' I have still called him and text begging him back. It's been 3 months and I can't get over it.
Op you are so strong and smart, I think I did see signs I chose to ignore early on, thinking if I gave him everything and a baby he would always want me!

Greaterexpectations Sat 28-Jan-17 20:27:09

You're not stupid! I've had so many days where I doubted my decision and kept hoping he would text and apologise and say he'd change and everything would be ok but all the posts I've read on here helped me to realise that even if he did apologise and say he'd change that it would never happen and the longer I stayed the worse it would get and the harder it would be to leave.

This may sound really stupid but the way I've tried to look at it is you wouldn't go to a restaurant where you knew the starters and main courses were so bad they made you ill just because the puddings were good. You shouldn't have to put up with a man who treats you like crap most of the time just because occasionally he'll treat you well and you'll have a good time.

The main reason I've missed my ex is because of the amount of drama he caused in my life, and as horrible as some of it was, it was a welcome distraction from other things that I have going on in my life that I have no control over but have to face up to. Now I don't have that distraction and I have to face the other not very nice things it made me miss him sometimes in the most stupid way. Abusive people create noise in your life and once they're gone you have to get used to the quiet again and create your own distractions by finding things that make you genuinely happy. The positives of an abusive relationship are never worth giving up your long term happiness for because the abuse will always destroy your happiness in the long run that's what I've learnt anyway. Stay strong quark you'll get there.

Greaterexpectations Sat 28-Jan-17 20:39:16

vonny it's stories like yours that helped me to get away as early as I did. My ex wanted a baby and to move in together within weeks of meeting me and I know he wanted to propose way too soon too which was a huge red flag to me. I knew from stories like yours that once he had me where he wanted me the abuse would only escalate and by then I'd be in way too deep. Luckily I kept putting the pieces of the puzzle together with things that he told me about his past relationships and realised that he'd always been abusive and would most likely never change. You're out of it now and you need to keep out and keep walking away so you can find a good man who wants you for you and treats you how you deserve to be treated.

ferriswheel Sat 28-Jan-17 20:46:03

Watching with interest. Middle of divorcing ea h. Well done for getting out when you could.

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 28-Jan-17 21:40:44

Oh vonny!

You have just explained me to a T!!

I naively thought having a baby with him would always meant he'd be in my life, I haven't spoken to him or seen him in 10 weeks!

Like you, he caused major drama too & eventually I actually got used to it & expected it....when he left, he left a gap in my life that I'm struggling to fill.

Long term, he's done me the biggest favour by walking away, however given the fact I'm pregnant with his baby, I struggle to accept we are literally done & he won't ever be back in contact.

vonny81 Sat 28-Jan-17 21:59:07

Aww thank u both!
I think the age I met him, I was 32, finding someone that was serious and no baggage etc was quite rare, I'd been messed around used etc, I had more than my share of fun and idiots, I found this 'man' wanting nice weekends away and spending all our weekends together enjoying his company, I was always wanting more he played a little hard to get, never told or shown his emotions etc. But if I got upset or questioned him he would be like I'm crazy. I think he has major trust issues and years ago cannabis smoking has destroyed half his brain.
I didn't have a baby in order to trap and keep him but I just wanted this perfect life he painted for me and I just wanted to make him happy. He said his ex couldn't get pregnant. So we decided I was coming off the pill after only being together 5/6 months as he thought he had fertility problems... It took 5 months, then we moved in together, then I started noticing the ocd for cleanliness... Watching what I ate, said I wasn't eating for 2 and said other pregnant people didn't get fat everywhere else!!

vonny81 Sat 28-Jan-17 22:05:29

Do I sound totally crazy or what, I actually wish I was pregnant! I want my baby to have a full brother or sister! That's part of my grieving process atm

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 28-Jan-17 22:54:18

Everyone does weird and odd things for the person they love.

Me & the ex moved insanely fast, so fast that I was pregnant within 3 months! I didn't do it to trap him either, like you, he painted this amazing perfect life for us & honestly I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him....he thought he had fertility issues too (no idea why, he got a girl pregnant when he was 24, although she aborted). I wasn't on the pill or anything like that however from day one I made it very clear to him so he understood we absolutely had to use condoms.....we didn't hmm however, he was more than aware of the consequences but was over the moon when I told him....we started talking about marriage &! More kids!
I was in this perfect little bubble, because of the "nice" guy, I was willing to ride through & put up with the abuse mentally just so I had my perfect happy family.

My bf (eventually husband) going to work, coming home, looking after our son whilst I cooked dinner....bath and put him to bed & then we sit on the sofa together for the evening

Oh how bloody deluded I was!

That wasn't ever going to happen, not in a million years!

The reality was this....he was insecure, thought I was going to cheat on him, solely because he'd done it to his ex....he told me I was a horrible person, that I was crazy, he grabbed me, pushed me & screamed in my face, he also hit me, told me what a bad mother id be, how he hated me, that he shouldn't be expected to pay all of the rent and bills just because I couldn't work because I would be at home with the baby.

Right now, I am looking back and viewing our entire relationship with rose tinted glasses, when I know, it was shit & no matter how much I sugar coat it, it's still shit!

I just wish I left him & not him me.

vonny81 Sat 28-Jan-17 23:14:17

Wow, our story is very similar!!
I was starting to think if I wasn't pregnant to him we would have split by now. We were tied in a private rental contract too but was my only tie. Thought it would be too hard to move back home being pregnant, well you tell u it would have been easier than it is now!
Our major problem started when baby was born. His family coming round ill when he was a few days old, not washing hands, started as simple things he only needed a quiet word. He said he didn't want to offend them! Well coughing to the point it was making his nephew vomit 3 times in the space of an hour, I didn't want that around my 4 day old baby!
All the family started putting the pressure on, monitoring how often I let them hold the baby etc. It was like a big test they all set up for me to fail, and then they could declare me insane and mentally ill and they could steal the baby from me and they get to carry on their family name.
Sounds far fetched bur its actually what I believe!
The mil and fil have killed our relationship, they have been caught doing benefit fraud and saying I have grassed them up cos I'm their only enemy!
I keep remembering the good stuff and I'm killing myself, I can't even look at the garden fence without crying, cos my ex painted it!!

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 28-Jan-17 23:22:29

I agree, our situations are insanely similar.

It sounds like he takes after his family well & truly!

Does he see the baby still?? Are you still in contact with him??

My ex has completely written me out of his life & so has every member of his family....they want nothing to do with me & the baby when he arrives.

He's moved on & is effectively trying to re write the last 10 months of his life, as if neither me or his son exists!

Yet a part of me would scream yes if he ever got back in contact asking to make a go of things, that's why I'm glad he's staying away....I'm staying strong because I've no other choice, he's made my decision for me.

He made me a veg box for my garden, I had to take it down because I couldn't bear to look at every time I opened my curtains.

Quarksoundslikequack Sat 28-Jan-17 23:24:56

Apologies op! I merged my reply to you & to vonny into one! blush

How long were you and him together before you walked?? Had you known him as a friend before??

vonny81 Sat 28-Jan-17 23:45:21

Omg, yiur situation sounds like my dream! I would love for them to all write us off. We'll they have written me off but still claim their love for their grandson! The one they have robbed of having a happy stable home life as a family with his mummy n daddy!
Christmas, he didn't get a card, advent calendar or single present off any of his family. His dad brought a few presents and a card, but he said the family haven't sent anything because I will throw them in the bin! Like I'd deprive my own child of his presents! In other words it's what they would do!
I've supervised contact and we went on a day out. He's threatened to take him and not bring him back... So after 1st court hearing, I've got residency and he has to see him through a contact centre now.

The emotional abuse is just so hard, they put doubts in your head and make you think that it's you.
He's put in the cafcass report that he thinks I've got PND, but if he thought that why would you treat the love of your life after she has given birth to your child like that, if you think she's got a mental illness!!??
Locking me in rooms, threatening, punching walls, doors, taking baby off me. God knows how many times he's dumped me.
Yet I am clinging to happy times and pining for this bastard. As far as he's concerned he has no anger problems, and he's done nothing wrong he can't understand why I called the police. In his own words and his mother said the same (probably where it came from) he said then if I was scared then I should go to the doctors and ask for some tablets and get help with my feelings!

Quarksoundslikequack Sun 29-Jan-17 11:02:33

Hope you don't mind vonny but I've pm'd you

Greaterexpectations Sun 29-Jan-17 11:40:31

Quark we were together just under 4 months. We weren't friends before but he worked in the same building so I'd seen him around for a few months before we got together. He sounds so similar to your ex. It's like they've all read the same handbook. He wanted to move insanely fast, was extremely jealous, was convinced I was going to cheat on him, and was a total split personality. He could be full of anger one minute and the next switch to being the softest, sweetest person, and then back again for no reason at all. He loved to tell me about all the women who messaged him asking him out etc but if a man so much as looked at me for too long he couldn't cope. Silent treatment, minimising what he'd done, threatening suicide when I left, I got the whole works!

vonny81 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:55:08

Omg, totally get you on the thing about other people, he made out he was most wanted man in the universe but if anyone paid attention to me you could tell he didn't like it, and would like go into reverse and tell me to go off with them!

Quarksoundslikequack Sun 29-Jan-17 11:59:05

I think they were all sent to same bloody school!

My ex never threatened suicide which I see a lot of people post about so much, however he would sit & cry like a child telling me he won't ever get over me, that he can't cope with it & spent his entire day crying.

It's odd isn't it, that they can go from so nice & loving to angry & vice Versa! That's why, over time you end up believing you genuinely did something for them to be that way because in your mind, unless something happens, there's no reason to act like that hmm

Has he been in contact with you since?? Or has it been a clean split with no contact??

Greaterexpectations Sun 29-Jan-17 14:38:06

They all sound so alike! My ex used to cry too. I know he did it to manipulate me but it only worked against him in the end because it made me see how negative the whole relationship was. We've not really had any proper contact. He still has some of my things so I had to text him to ask for them back, he said he sort it out which hasn't happened but I'm over it all now and never want to speak to him again so I'd rather replace those things than give him the satisfaction of me chasing him for them...he's probably chucked them out by now anyway!

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