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Confirmed miscarriage

(13 Posts)
blondychops Fri 27-Jan-17 19:35:25

I had my miscarriage confirmed this week at 12+4 and am going on for medical management tomorrow. I feel a bit all over the place emotionally and am a bit scared about what is to come once the pessaries start working.

My main issue though is my husband's attitude. This week I've been feeling quite frazzled and stressed and on a short fuse so we've been arguing a lot. On Tuesday for example before the miscarriage was confirmed I had told him I was in pain and bleeding and felt really ill and we had an argument about something (can't remember exactly), but he stormed out of the house and drove off for a couple of hours. I sent him a message saying I was disappointed he had done this while I'm in this state as I've been patient with him through his short temperedness and laziness around the house and I don't get the same from him. We had another argument this morning as I was annoyed about him leaving washing up on the side (I know it sounds petty but I've had to nag him to pull his weight). I said I didn't want to be with him any more. He basically turned everything around on me and said I'm the one that makes him short tempered etc etc and I should not talk to him in a certain manner. I said I thought he should be more empathetic but he said it was my fault for not talking to him about the miscarriage. To be honest I don't feel I can talk to him about how I'm feeling as I don't really know myself.

I don't know what I'm asking really. I just feel really alone and don't have the energy to keep arguing. I feel this is the end of our marriage as I'll always look back and resent him for how he has acted.

Symbista Fri 27-Jan-17 19:53:35

Didn't want to leave this unanswered. First of all so sorry for your loss 💐 What a horrible time you must be going through.
It sounds like your h is being very insensitive but without more information it's hard to know if there's more to it than that. Is it possible that he's upset too/struggling to know how to support you? (Not trying to make excuses).
Maybe you should get this moved to relationships?
I hope you are looking after yourself thus evening.

blondychops Fri 27-Jan-17 20:24:27

Thank you, yes good idea, I was in two minds about where to post it. I've requested it to be moved.

Over the past year it's been a case of 'My wife divorced me for leaving a cup by the sink' kind of scenario and we've drifted apart. We don't even seem to be on the same wavelength on many things nowadays. I say nowadays but we probably haven't been together for that long in the grand scheme of things (5 years).

LisaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 27-Jan-17 20:26:28

We are moving this to Relationships at the OP's request.

everycloudandallthatjazz Fri 27-Jan-17 20:35:29

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. flowers

Has he always been short tempered and prone to blaming you for "making" him behave / react a certain way? Or is it just since your miscarriage?

Gingerbreadmam Fri 27-Jan-17 20:42:39

So sorry for your loss blondy. Not much help on the relationship front im afraid.

With regards to medical management are you doing it in hospital or home? I've had it and didn't think it was as bad as i had feared. Make sure you take the painkillers they give you and any other medication. I would wear loose dark clothing and take things to keep yoir mind occupied as it can take a while.

I would certainly recommend doing it in hospital as they can check what has passed and keep an eye on you.

blondychops Fri 27-Jan-17 20:48:31

He's always had a short temper (which had started to get better after many talks) but that's the first time he's blamed me for it.

He works away regularly and we had a conversation that he seems to prefer it at work, and he admitted he finds it 'easier'. But of course it is when all of your meals are cooked, washing done and you don't have to juggle children/animals/commuting/housework. He also goes on about how great everyone thinks he is at work and that he's proactive/thinks on his feet/problem solves whereas at home I feel he leans on me an awful lot, both emotionally and also to tell him what needs doing around the house.

blondychops Fri 27-Jan-17 20:52:12

Thanks ginger that's reassuring. They have said to go home straight afterwards as they don't see me needing to stay in. At the 2nd/confirmation scan they said it was just an empty sac with no additional contents. I've stocked up on towels and made sure I have enough paracetamol and ibuprofen for a couple of days.

everycloudandallthatjazz Fri 27-Jan-17 21:41:25

Is there anywhere you can go for a week or so (your mum?) where you can be looked after? I don't think your husband is being particularly supportive. Maybe a bit of time apart will give you both time to think about your marriage and if you want it to continue.

Ultimately if you want it to continue, you need to start communicating with each other about what you both want, and try to make it work. If he is unwilling to meet your needs, or to change certain things in order for you to be happier, then you need to consider if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

blondychops Sat 28-Jan-17 09:50:49

Thanks every, unfortunately that's not an option but I couldn't bear to be apart from my dd anyway. You're totally right about communication though. It feels as though it's been so crap for a long time that it's hard to see where to even start!! I don't think it helps that my hormones are all over the place at the moment either.

Phoebefromfriends Sat 28-Jan-17 10:03:49

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I think it's really unforgivable to leave you on your own after a petty argument when you are dealing with such a monumental loss, do you think he was upset and used the argument as a way to sit in his car and cry? Aside from the current he sounds incredibly self centred so I'm not convinced he was upset but its difficult to tell.

I really think you need to try and talk, start by telling him that you need practical support over the next few days whilst you are feeling so ill. Be specific about what you need and then once you are feeling stronger try to talk to him about how emotionally unsupported you felt during this horrible time.

pocketsaviour Sat 28-Jan-17 10:12:23

So sorry you're going through this OP. Is there anyone who could come and be with you afterwards, family member or close friend?

Is your H your DD's dad?

blondychops Sat 28-Jan-17 10:36:27

Hi pocket yes he is.... there's not really anyone to be around apart from h to be honest. He seems to be calmer today though so maybe hopefully it'll be bearable. My dm is looking after dd.

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