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How do you leave - practical advice

(2 Posts)
RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Fri 27-Jan-17 10:27:30

DH and I have been together 20 years and have one DD (8). We have had ups and downs naturally but the last few years have been level, to the point of boring. He has little interest in anything and no intention of changing when I ask him about it.

He has changed slightly though in that he now has a short fuse and if he gets angry then he loses it - think things thrown around, shouting and storming out of the house. In a way I prefer this as at least it shows he's alive in there somewhere. And although it sounds bad written down it's just pathetic when he does it, a tantrum not intimidating in anyway.

I do get pissed off when it happens, last time I sent him an email saying we needed to split up but the email never arrived. I had to send it by email as we had counselling and the person told me he couldn't process it when we spoke as I'm very fluent and fast thinking so he would feel browbeaten by me, so I needed to let him know how I felt by email.

Anyway, I think I would like to split up but how do I go about it practically? He probably won't leave the house and how would it be living together during that time? Before we sold there would be things that needed doing to get the best price for it so we'd have to work together, which would be weird because that's what we used to do together (house renovation) so in a way it would be bringing back the good memories of how things used to be.

I would love to move to where my family are but work and my DD's school means I'd probably stay where we are and so would he.

We'd no doubt share custody but DD would obviously be affected by us splitting up. But then as she gets older will she start to realise that our relationship is a bit of a sham anyway. I am a bit rubbish because I love it when he's away, I call it girls night and spoil her. But then again I do also facilitate him spending one-on-one time with her so I'm not always there taking over and making things happen.

Why has he changed so much and why can't he see this isn't a great life or marriage any more? He says he's depressed, goes to the doctor gets given ADs then stops taking them as he says they're not working. He's won't take any responsibility for himself. Always thinks there's something wrong with him, enjoying health worries is his hobby.

How has it come to disliking, even despising, someone I used to love so much?

I don't know if we will split up, I'm happy and have a life of my own. I do depend on him for some things so it's not all one-way in the marriage, would I be cutting off my nose to spite my face? Is this just how long-term partnerships end, fizzling out, sort of OK and hard to put your finger on exactly what's wrong but knowing it's not right?

user1479305498 Fri 27-Jan-17 10:42:48

Totally know how you feel--21 years for us too and son now left home. I think with some people it just kind of fizzles out, you know everything about them, all storys told many times, baggage in there, middle life anxieties coming to the fore and the "old person" kind of vanishing and complacency sets in. Clearly for some people it doesnt go that way but for others it does.

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