Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Military husband cheating

(12 Posts)
Outdoorsy5644 Fri 27-Jan-17 08:56:55

New username, old poster - Cod, Aitch, penguin keyring, pom bears etc

Met dh as a single mum, and got pg within months of meeting. Married as he's military and we couldn't be together otherwise (he was also deployed so we really needed to be married for baby's sake). He treats DS1 as his own, always has.
I know he had a bit of a past and a huge sexual history (and a previous marriage) but we've been together 8 years now and I thought we were happy.
But hes having an affair. Dont think its physical yet but hes changed in the last year, since he got back from his last deployment. Hides his phone, although I check it when I can and he let's me. He gets lots of message notifications but deletes them. I've caught him wanking on his phone when he thinks I'm asleep.
I'm just not sure what to do. We live on the patch, so if I ask him to leave I will have no where for me and the children to live. I know if we divorced I'd be entitled to some of his precious pension, but I'm not even sure what that means.
But I'm not even sure I want to divorce. I work with other military Wives, it's my identity. What will I do now?

Happybunny19 Fri 27-Jan-17 09:19:14

Is he home at the moment and have you spoken to him about it at all? So sorry you're going through this, I don't have experience of the military life, but understand it must be very difficult to leave that sort of close knit community.

Outdoorsy5644 Fri 27-Jan-17 09:21:29

He travels a lot (officer, and sporting commitments) but is currently home.
I don't want to open the can of worms yet - I feel like once it's out I won't have any control.

jojo2916 Fri 27-Jan-17 09:33:01

Leaving is hard but it would be worse to condemn yourself to a life with someone who doesn't care about you and you can't trust, it must be really awful right now for you but you can be happy again

mpsw Fri 27-Jan-17 09:49:46

Yes, once you say you are separating all the processes are designed to make that separation happen.

He'll move into the Mess but had to keep paying for the quarter for 3 months to give you time to get sorted. You'll be expected to move out in that time, but if for any reason you haven't you have to start paying for it at that point. The clock starts ticking at the point he changes his status officially, which he's meant to do at the point he moves out, but in practice there there's usually wiggle room to do it late to give more time for you to work things out (either attempt a reconciliation, or just give you more planning time).

There is quite a lot of support available to you - welfare officer, SSAFA and the padre (even if you're not religious) are all useful people to ask.

Pensions is a well-trodden route; the opening shot is you get one half the value of the number of years you were married (both pension and share of gratuity). But this is part of the wider financial separation on divorce and you need to take proper legal advice about this.

Whether you can put up with a philanderer is up to you. You can take as much thinking and planning time as you need to decide how you want to live, and whether/when you confront him.

Do get periodic STI checks if you decide to stay.

Outdoorsy5644 Fri 27-Jan-17 10:29:10

Thank you mspw.
I've been so afraid to talk to anyone about this, you know what jungle drums are like!
Recently our neighbour found her dh playing around, but stuck with him. It seems to be acceptable behaviour. But I'm not sure if I can.

mpsw Fri 27-Jan-17 10:36:15

Yes, the lack of a confidante is tricky. Ideally it would be an old school friend married to someone now retired from a completely different bit of the Armed Forces, but you can't just magic up someone like that into your life (especially if you've been mobile as it's likely you'll have looser ties to friends from earlier days).

One thing I was wondering from your opening post - why do you think it's not a physical affair? Would it make a difference to you if it was or wasn't?

namechange102 Fri 27-Jan-17 10:40:44

I hope it's not seen as acceptable behaviour (!), but a lot of ppl may feel 'trapped' in the situation and unable to see a way out...will you be able to continue in your job if you divorce? Surely he will be partly responsible for sorting out housing for you and kids if he moves out and into the mess?

Outdoorsy5644 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:45:49

I don't think it's physical as I have my suspicions it's someone he knows on line.
I think a physical affair would seal the deal for me - make it "real". I'm not sure.

Outdoorsy5644 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:47:36

I would be able to continue my job, but it's very much in the sector.

Graphista Fri 27-Jan-17 13:02:43

Ex army brat and ex army wife here.

It's really common, both long term affairs and ons ("what goes on tour stays on tour" ugh) I stupidly thought my ex was 'different' ha!

Some wives tolerate it, some are stupidly naive (me at first!), some leave.

It's not easy and ultimately its your decision but I couldn't tolerate it.

I'll be honest I do miss the life it's a good community and there's a lot of support especially for young mums.

But I really couldn't stomach the lying, deceit, being made a fool of (it was someone he worked with small patch everyone knew!), my health being put at risk (sti's I knew my ex and knew if she wasn't insistent he wouldn't bother with condoms).

If you do decide to leave him get all the help and support you can from ssafa etc

Outdoorsy5644 Sat 01-Apr-17 13:17:29

I didn't say anything.
His behaviour has improved and we've had some lovely weekends away as a family. I hope we've turned a corner.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now