Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Finally ending it. Feeling very depressed.(4 Posts)
Just need a hand to hold and some reassurance. I have been married for almost 7 years now and think I have reached the end of the line with this relationship. I know I need to end it. My h is controlling and emotionally abusive. He basically pressured me to give up my job and although I believe overall it was the right decision it was done in a brutal way (I will divorce you if you dont). He is very selfish.He is ambitious but only for himself. He wants a quiet woman in the background to clean up after him and cook him his food. I am not that. My friends and family have told me for many years that he has been holding me back. I have felt like I will never achieve anything in my life if I stay with him. Mainly because he is very negative about anything I do which involves me making a commitment or putting effort in to helping someone else or doing something for myself. I previously used to go the gym several times a week. When we got together he disapproved of me going to the gym or working out in general to the point that I had to start doing it in secret as he would ask me why and who was I doing it for. Always bought me junk food when Im trying to diet or lose weight. In the seven years we have been together I have put on about 4 1/2 stones. We have 2 beautiful boys together but he can be very detached and distant with them. I feel like I have to be both a mum and dad to them. Of course he does very little childcare or housework so Im constantly under pressure and its never good enough. I cook every day but he acts like he is doing me a favour to eat it. I clean and tidy but he will lock on to the thing that is less then perfect. Acts like he is doing me a favour when he does any care for the children. I could go on and on. Disrespectful to my family and me. Dislikes me having close relationships with other women is suspicious of my friends. Doesnt pay attention to my needs. Has no plan for the future though he has a successful job.
Anyway I think you get the point. In one way I am happy to be rid of him but in another way I am really sad. I cant talk about it to my family as they hate his guts and want me to leave him asap. When I write it all down I feel ashamed that its taken me this long to see the light and I have put so much effort in to a relationship with such a flawed individual. However and I am so embarassed to say this but I still love him. I still find him attractive. We have not been talking for over 2 weeks and I wish he would give me a hug. Im sleeping in the other room but want to snuggle in bed with him. I know I sound pathetic. He is my first love. First relationship. First everything. I am 30 but I cant imagine having the same connection or an even better one with someone else.
I dont know why Im writing this. I know I need to leave him for my sanity. He will not be happy until he shatters my spirit in to pieces. I also think he is a terrible example to our boys. Works all week then doesnt lift a finger when he gets home. Is always me, me, me. Doesnt give them that much attention or time. We are a terrible match in many ways. But I feel like if we werent in a romantic relationship we would probably be very good friends as we have similar attitudes to many things, are interested in the same sort of things. He has many traits that I do like. He can be very loving, affectionate, thoughtful when he feels like.
How do I keep myself strong and go through with this? Do other people who divorce or separate from their partners feel conflicted like this. I go from hating his guts to reminiscing to myself about our good times. I need to move on but I feel like its going to be so difficult to find someone new who will not only love me but my children too. I come as a package now and I worry about whether there is a man out there who will be a good match for us all. RIght now the thought of my h being with someone else is devastating. How do I build up resilience to go through this process without turning back.
My ex was very similar to your husband in terms of how he treated me during the relationship. The only difference between me and you is that by the end of the relationship my love for him had gone. He had ground it down to the point it was non existent. I couldn't bear him touching me.
Ultimately it is good that you have decided to leave, however you need to take things one step at a time.
One - speak to Womens Aid and have a look online to see what benefits you can claim while you are not working and until you can find another job.
Two - with the help of WA, start planning your escape. Be careful about telling him - they will advise you of this, as he will become more abusive. Is the house owned or rented and is it in joint names? Is there somewhere you can stay with your children until you get back on your feet?
Three - read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bandcroft, which will help you understand why he behaves the way he does. Work on your self esteem and don't worry about meeting another man right now. That will no doubt happen in time but take time to get over this awful relationship before embarking on another one as you don't want to end up attracting a similar type a second time!
Stay strong op - you know that this isn't right for you. Keep moving forward one step at a time - you can do this.
You talk about finding a good match for you and your children, but he is an absolutely terrible match! He disrespects you and ignores your dc!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.