Love him but not in love with him

[yyozalia]

I am a mother of two( 4 month old and almost two year old) and currently in the process of moving. I am a SAHM. I have found recently I can't bear any physical contact from my husband, prior to this we used to be very sexually active with one another. Even when he tries to kiss me I don't feel anything. I just don't feel the same towards him. I don't feel like he's attracted to me anymore. I have lost my self confidence through pregnancy and I feel like my husband has kind of got too comfortable in our marriage. He's not the type to get me flowers or even buy Gifts for my birthday or surprise me.

Parenthood may play a part in all of this but I just don't feel the same way I used to about him. I feel like we do the same thing all the time everyday feels the same and sometimes I don't feel this marriage is keeping me happy. I feel like all I do is do housework and look after the kids and I have no other purpose in life. I love my children but motherhood can be so hard .i feel so low all the time and I am trying to keep it together but I feel like I'm breaking down. I don't know if I make any sense but I just needed to write this all down.

My OH is a kind man and he helps with the kids but he isn't very romantic or adventurous. Even when we do get an evening to ourselves at home we spend it watching things he like or doing something he likes. I barely get time to myself because my kids are super dependent on me. I know this is normal to a certain extent but I just feel like the spark has disappeared and my sex drive is just non existent. I hate feeling this way and I want to change my situation with my husband but I don't know what to do. We argue a lot and my moods are so unpredictable sometimes I'm able to conceal how unhappy I am other times I cannot. I hate arguing and I like to avoid doing it in front of the kids as I don't want them to witness this kind of negativity.

When I do try and explain all this to him he gets defensive and says ,"you have everything what more do you want." I have tried to express myself but he can't seem to understand what my problem is. I love him but I'm not in love with him I don't know if this makes sense but I just feel so down.

[everycloudandallthatjazz]

He doesn't sound very supportive with your children and the housework to be honest. There are a few red flags here but would need some more information.

What do you argue about generally and how does he react in these arguments?

What happens if you suggest doing things YOU want to do in your time off?

Do you get enough time to see your friends?

With the kissing / sex - does he acknowledge that you are pushing him away so to speak and how does he react to you saying no to sex?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Couple's counselling can be helpful in your circumstances OP.

[yyozalia]

We usually argue when he is annoyed by seeing me down or he asks me what's wrong and I try and explain. He gets defensive and questions whether I am not satisfied by a roof over my head and him providing for us.

He does help with housework occasionally and he does help with the kids when he's around, putting them to bed,bathing them and feeding them.

When I suggest that we do something I like he says ok we will do them but he doesn't go out of his way to facilitate those activities,a lot of time it ends up being so late in the evening we can't get anything done.

I hardly get time to see my friends and I don't partake in anything socially with other adults aside from going to playgroups and baby.

I financially rely on him and I hate the fact that I do. Before I met him I had my own business and I got pregnant quickly and we got married and I haven't been able to work since because I have the two kids.

He's aware of the face that I don't have a sex drive and he says maybe it's due to hormones.

[yyozalia]

He seems to think that I need counselling as opposed to us both needing counselling. He thinks that he does enough for us and that because of our situation (looking for a house,very little family support and two little children) I cannot expect to go on date nights or wined and dined as he puts it.

[Blackbird82]

Well he has some very simplistic (and infuriating) responses doesn't he? Telling you that you have everything, so buck up and that you don't want him sexually due to hormones...... standard responses for a lot of men I think.

You're clearly struggling with three young children which is completely understandable. I only have one and that's hard enough.

Your husband is not supporting you emotionally and I expect he has no idea how to do so, which is no excuse. He needs to learn, possibly through therapy, but things will not improve until he learns this 'skill'!

Your life has become monotonous and extremely stressful being a SAHM. Plus you rely on him financially which can destroy a persons self worth.

Perhaps you could write him a letter rather than trying to verbally explain what's going on. It will give you time to get your thoughts out and I would definitely recommend therapy, perhaps you could have some individual sessions first?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Have you considered that you might have PND.
Talk to your HV or GP about that and see if that is something that you need to address.
Did you both agree that you would be a SAHM?
How long do you intend to do that for?
It sounds like you need some time to yourself. To do your own activity or see friends.
I stayed home for 3 months as I was chomping at the bit to get back to work and doing something for me and adult conversations.
This is something you may need to consider.
If you had your own business, could you start it up again?
Work on a part time basis?
Your DH is not being very supportive.
He is not listening to you.
I agree you should have some counselling for yourself but if you want to rebuild your marriage then he will need to partake at some point.

[ErrolTheDragon]

Whether PND or not, you sound as though you may be depressed, so I would second that you should have a talk with your GP and/or HV. Obviously there's more going on - you don't need to be 'wined and dined' but you do need time for something other than just being a mother - see your friends, exercise (that can boost mood a lot BTW), whatever - your DH doesn't seem to be able to see beyond mere material needs.

[Hermonie2016]

I also think you sound very low which is understandable.The change of life in such a short space of time is a shock to the system and we are all told motherhood is wonderful (and it can be) but it's also draining with lots of drudgery.
I sense your husband wants to make you happy but does know now which maybe not be his fault as he can't relate to it.The change of children is much more significant for women and physically we can be at our lowest.

I recall when my dc was 2 how low I felt, everyday the same and it was sheer hard work with limited fun.Even if my husband looked after the dc I didn't feel refreshed since I was probadly at burn out so was a long recovery.

What helped was a course of ADs and I went back to work on a part time basis.I started to feel like me again but it took a long time.

[everycloudandallthatjazz]

Can you tell him you need more support from him? Could you get family to help with your DC for a while so you get some rest? A cleaner if possible and you don't already have one.
I am not sure if you need counselling or if you have PND - but I think you need to explain to him what you need from him. It could be his lack of support / understanding that is bringing you down.

[yyozalia]

Thank you all for your responses I really appreciate it

I have tried to talk about it to him time and time again but he doesn't seem to understand. Maybe I need to be more active in implementing a change in our lives, sometimes I do feel like giving up and carrying on just for the sake of the kids. He tells me my inability to love myself makes me refuse his love hence why I am in this situation.

[ErrolTheDragon]

Maybe I need to be more active in implementing a change in our lives,

well, maybe, but when you're feeling down, it can be very hard to pick yourself up and do that. Perhaps if you try to think constructively about what you want to change, then talk to him in a positive way about whatever you come up with and ask for whatever specific support you need, it might work better. Whether thats anything from making sure you see your friends, engaging in some activity you enjoy through to getting back into work.

[NameChange30]

I think you sound depressed but he is not being supportive, so there are two issues really. I suggest going to see your GP and getting professional support, ideally CBT or counselling. But I also think your husband needs to be a lot more empathetic and needs to understand what it is you need. If he's not listening, maybe couple's counselling would help?

Oh and another thing. He doesn't "help" with the children and housework. When he's not at work, they are his joint responsibility with yours. So if he does anything, he's not doing you a favour - he's doing his share.

[NameChange30]

"My OH is a kind man and he helps with the kids but he isn't very romantic or adventurous. Even when we do get an evening to ourselves at home we spend it watching things he like or doing something he likes."

He doesn't sound very kind or loving tbh. He doesn't do the things you'd like to do (just what he wants), he doesn't facilitate you taking time out to see your friends or have a break, he doesn't think you should have date nights, and he doesn't even listen when you tell him how you feel And after all that he's surprised that you don't feel like having sex with him?!

[yyozalia]

I feel like crying, I cry all the time these days and the only thing that cheers me up is when my toddler comes to give me a hug and my baby girl smiles at me.

I don't think my husband has this skill, how would I help him understand or learn that skill ?

[NameChange30]

Not sure that it's your job to help him learn or even that you can, tbh.

Please see the GP, you do sound very depressed

You said you don't have family nearby - how far away are they? Do you have any close family or friends who could see you or talk to you on the phone? When your husband isn't being supportive you really need to reach out to others.