DC in question is 4.5 years old. Eldest child.
Exh phoned me today with "very disturbing news" and explained that DC had been mumbling about someone calling him names, exH asked DC to explain, DC came out with "mummy's friend calls me names" and then refused to say more, had a sad face and gave a few sobs. ExH does know my BF's name, so knew who DC was referring to.
... the punchline being that my BF has never even met DC. We've only been dating exclusively for 4-5 months, though we knew each other/dated casually for a year before that. I have taken things, and continue to take things, VERY slowly. I have no plans to introduce, tbh.
I assume DC is doing what small children do in a divorce situation, where they push some buttons and see what comes out in response. But exH has taken this very seriously.
I told exH that I wasn't sure where that had come from, and that BF had not met DC for this very reason, to prevent any misunderstandings/hurt feelings.
EXh responded as he usually would to me, which is to say he thinks I'm probably lying because "what DC says isn't lining up with what you're saying", and then changed the subject a bit to how I have previously made "unfortunate mistakes" (e.g. miscommunication of pickup times at Xmas break - I documented the plan in an email, exH insists I made a different arrangement with him verbally) and that he's now "seeing a pattern of worrying behaviour".
I kept calm and reiterated that if the problem was that DC might be mistreated by my BF, that I had already taking preemptive steps to prevent that, by not introducing them. And that if Exh had further suggestions on how to mitigate the risk, that I was open to them. Ditto the problems around pickup times being miscommunicated. (I have suggested a shared parenting app for single-source communications... he's refused so far.)
But he says he "has a plan in mind" for how things have to change. I said I was happy to hear him out and we can go from there because I am more than happy to be flexible and accommodating - he is a good father actually, and even better since I left the home he just thinks I'm the worst person in the world and that colours everything. So we are meeting tomorrow to discuss.
I am so tired of this shit. I've not done anything wrong have I? What should I do? Nothing, just leave it? Refuse to talk about it? Keep engaging calmly and just document and then go to a lawyer?
My head is a mess. Any advice welcome.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
DC told Exh that my boyfriend is "calling [dc] names"
thestamp · 26/01/2017 23:23
Stop letting him control you.
" sorry if you don't agree but I assure you bf has not met dc's and I've explained the most logical reason he's said this."
No need for you to meet up with him at all, it's a power play he demands you agree.
As for pick ups discuss via a whatsapp group or similar then its a simple case of if it gets discussed verbally you said a msg confirming the agreement. His comment about a trend of worrying behaviour is a classic control technique. Tell him you're worried he's not understanding the ex part of the relationship. Maybe add a head tilt 
Hth
Dear, I do see where he is coming from. Thing is if it were me in his shoes, I do trust him enough that if he said, "Hmmm well that's odd, DC haven't met my gf" I honestly wouldn't question that. My next thought would be, well, DC must have something else bothering him then, we'll have to follow up a bit more.
There's zero trust from him towards me. He has some goodwill towards me usually, but can go from satisfied with the coparenting arrangement, to pretty outraged/upset very quickly. It's exhausting.
All my efforts so far to create a situation where we trust is more likely to develop (e.g. a parenting app so that we can clearly document what is going to happen when), have been shot down by him as me attempting to be "controlling" 
You know he's lying.
Most children of that age would say "X calls me Y" not a very vague "X calls me names"
He sounds an utter bastard. 
You owe him nothing, and you tell him that if he has plans for changes, then he can suggest them and you'll think about them. Remind him that you and he still have a relationship only because you have a child.
He doesn't like the fact you've got a new partner. Diddums.
It must be very confusing for your little boy, that his father is trying to get information out of him like this.
Don't go to the meeting.
And take off the blinkers that he's a great dad, love.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.