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DC told Exh that my boyfriend is "calling [dc] names"

(34 Posts)
thestamp Thu 26-Jan-17 23:23:23

DC in question is 4.5 years old. Eldest child.

Exh phoned me today with "very disturbing news" and explained that DC had been mumbling about someone calling him names, exH asked DC to explain, DC came out with "mummy's friend <NAME> calls me names" and then refused to say more, had a sad face and gave a few sobs. ExH does know my BF's name, so knew who DC was referring to.

... the punchline being that my BF has never even met DC. We've only been dating exclusively for 4-5 months, though we knew each other/dated casually for a year before that. I have taken things, and continue to take things, VERY slowly. I have no plans to introduce, tbh.

I assume DC is doing what small children do in a divorce situation, where they push some buttons and see what comes out in response. But exH has taken this very seriously.

I told exH that I wasn't sure where that had come from, and that BF had not met DC for this very reason, to prevent any misunderstandings/hurt feelings.

EXh responded as he usually would to me, which is to say he thinks I'm probably lying because "what DC says isn't lining up with what you're saying", and then changed the subject a bit to how I have previously made "unfortunate mistakes" (e.g. miscommunication of pickup times at Xmas break - I documented the plan in an email, exH insists I made a different arrangement with him verbally) and that he's now "seeing a pattern of worrying behaviour".

I kept calm and reiterated that if the problem was that DC might be mistreated by my BF, that I had already taking preemptive steps to prevent that, by not introducing them. And that if Exh had further suggestions on how to mitigate the risk, that I was open to them. Ditto the problems around pickup times being miscommunicated. (I have suggested a shared parenting app for single-source communications... he's refused so far.)

But he says he "has a plan in mind" for how things have to change. I said I was happy to hear him out and we can go from there -- because I am more than happy to be flexible and accommodating - he is a good father actually, and even better since I left the home -- he just thinks I'm the worst person in the world and that colours everything. So we are meeting tomorrow to discuss.

I am so tired of this shit. I've not done anything wrong have I? What should I do? Nothing, just leave it? Refuse to talk about it? Keep engaging calmly and just document and then go to a lawyer?

My head is a mess. Any advice welcome.

DearMrDilkington Thu 26-Jan-17 23:28:10

I can see this from both sides tbh. If it was the other way around would you not feel the same as your ex?

You haven't done anything wrong though, I can just see why his wondering why your dc would lie about this

flumpsnlumpsnstuff Thu 26-Jan-17 23:30:48

Stop letting him control you.
" sorry if you don't agree but I assure you bf has not met dc's and I've explained the most logical reason he's said this."
No need for you to meet up with him at all, it's a power play he demands you agree.
As for pick ups discuss via a whatsapp group or similar then its a simple case of if it gets discussed verbally you said a msg confirming the agreement. His comment about a trend of worrying behaviour is a classic control technique. Tell him you're worried he's not understanding the ex part of the relationship. Maybe add a head tilt wink

Offred Thu 26-Jan-17 23:35:45

So he has form for making things up and then gaslighting you to make you feel bad?

I doubt DC even said that to him in that case...

Exh is fishing for info about your BF and using it to make you feel bad.

Yes just remain calm and discuss his ideas etc document things, ignore as much as possible, be unflinchingly reasonable as you have been, give away as little as possible about your private life and try not to allow him to control you.

thestamp Thu 26-Jan-17 23:39:04

Dear, I do see where he is coming from. Thing is if it were me in his shoes, I do trust him enough that if he said, "Hmmm well that's odd, DC haven't met my gf" I honestly wouldn't question that. My next thought would be, well, DC must have something else bothering him then, we'll have to follow up a bit more.

There's zero trust from him towards me. He has some goodwill towards me usually, but can go from satisfied with the coparenting arrangement, to pretty outraged/upset very quickly. It's exhausting.

All my efforts so far to create a situation where we trust is more likely to develop (e.g. a parenting app so that we can clearly document what is going to happen when), have been shot down by him as me attempting to be "controlling" sad

ZorbaTheHoarder Fri 27-Jan-17 06:06:49

I really don't think you should meet up with him just to discuss this - it sounds like he is relishing the opportunity to give you a hard time for daring to go out with someone else.

You have answered his concerns and I really don't think you have to do any more about it. He is calling you "controlling" as an insult and to distract you from the ways in which he is still controlling you.

Just don't engage with him!
Good luck.

VintagePerfumista Fri 27-Jan-17 06:17:10

You know he's lying.

Most children of that age would say "X calls me Y" not a very vague "X calls me names"

He sounds an utter bastard. flowers You owe him nothing, and you tell him that if he has plans for changes, then he can suggest them and you'll think about them. Remind him that you and he still have a relationship only because you have a child.

He doesn't like the fact you've got a new partner. Diddums.

VintagePerfumista Fri 27-Jan-17 06:19:01

Oh, and he's not a brilliant father. He's using his child to score points. He's lying about his child to you. Another mother might be angry with the child for these presumed lies. Lies coming from this bully of a man.

MakeItRain Fri 27-Jan-17 06:37:52

Take someone with you if you meet.

Though personally I would only respond in writing, saying again that your dc hasn't even met your partner, so you have no concerns about him and your dc.

Ignore what he says about worrying trends, he's just trying to scare you.

Keep communication brief and emotionless. I would stop agreeing to meet to discuss his "plans" and do your best to keep him at arm's length.

DameDeDoubtance Fri 27-Jan-17 06:44:34

Gaslighting your own children and harassing their mother is NOT being a good father. He made your child lie, he is not a good father.

Don't engage at all, just text and email so it's all written down.

MagicChicken Fri 27-Jan-17 06:50:20

He may be lying or your child may be lying. I'm not sure how you are going to find out unless you ask your child if he/she did say it and why?

I would be saying to him that there's absolutely no need to meet to discuss it because you know 100% that it cannot possibly be true. Turn it back on him by suggesting to him that he might like to actually ask your DC why they felt the need to make up that story.

You can then gently probe DC yourself about whether any conversations with Daddy about your BF.

magoria Fri 27-Jan-17 07:49:28

Don't meet.

If you do record the conversation.

He already says you change plans verbally when you have them written down.

There is no need to meet him. He or your DC is lying as they haven't even met.

Don't engage with the games.

Chops2016 Fri 27-Jan-17 11:47:40

Have you spoken to your DS about this?

Bluntness100 Fri 27-Jan-17 11:50:49

I agree one of them is lying. That's an unusual thing for a child to make up. Something is wrong somewhere.

Somerville Fri 27-Jan-17 12:02:00

It must be very confusing for your little boy, that his father is trying to get information out of him like this. sad

Don't go to the meeting.

And take off the blinkers that he's a great dad, love.

TatianaLarina Fri 27-Jan-17 12:14:45

He's lying, he's lying, he's lying. He's trying to use his mistake at Christmas against you.

He's vying for your attention, to control you, and to disrupt your new relationship.

Do not meet him. No not engage beyond the bare minimum.

HeavenlyEyes Fri 27-Jan-17 12:17:20

bloody hell - he is a gaslighting control freak and you are meeting to discuss? Please do not meet him at all. Everything via email and stop bending over backwards to please him.

How bloody dare he? Freedom Programme for you please.

Christmasnoooooooooooo Fri 27-Jan-17 12:19:30

He wants your children to live with him .
Don't meet him . Just talk by email or txt so you can document it all.
Does your dc know your boyfreind name. Is it someone at nursery /school is on about . Have you checked

FoofFighter Fri 27-Jan-17 12:20:24

No more verbal exchanges aside from hello and goodbye, everything in writing, and do not engage!

Look up grey/gray rock techniques.

Been where you are... mostly stopped when he met someone else after 2yrs. Poor cow.

Iamdobby63 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:28:43

Maybe have a very, very gentle chat with your son... you could record it on your phone maybe. Then take it from there - you may not actually get to the bottom of it though as your DS is very young.

thestamp Fri 27-Jan-17 14:51:25

Thanks all. I had a chat with my son as soon as was possible. I did record it... Him explaining that my friend (another friend's name this time - tho he has met this person) "calls him names"... Turns out the name is "champ" and he wants to be called his actual name!!! I had to laugh.

My ex is the type to hear a snatch of this and then massively over catastrophize and not have the thought to ask clarifying questions....

The meeting is something that was actually threatened ages ago about discussing how to prevent the Xmas fuckup again (more to berate me though of course). It's not to re-discuss the Bf accusations.

I agree he's going to use it to try to manipulate me. Whoever's mentioning grey rock... Yep that's exactly what I'm doing. Did that on the phone as well, need to keep it up.

Had a good chat with my highly intelligent BF whose job is negotiations. Feel well armed to grey rock it and also get a win win result... FULLY documented in writing. I shall literally be typing whilst he talks...

Will update. Want to see how this goes, if it's shit I will take the advice of refusing future verbal negotiations.

HeavenlyEyes Fri 27-Jan-17 15:00:32

if you do meet him please take your BF with you - do not meet him alone. And tbh you should not really be meeting him at all.

Jengnr Fri 27-Jan-17 16:13:56

Don't go. Just don't.

Suggest that if he is so insistent on meeting as he has concerns you really ought to take these concerns seriously and engage a professional mediator to achieve the best and fairest outcome.

Iamdobby63 Fri 27-Jan-17 16:22:32

I must admit I don't think you need a meeting to discuss arrangements, just seems like he wants the power and control over you that he clicks his fingers.

All you need to do is agree that all arrangements are made in writing and if any changes they are then confirmed via a text. Simple. You don't need to sit in front of someone who wants to put you down.

user87654321 Fri 27-Jan-17 16:51:28

Please stop tiptoe-ing around him - gain some control. He is revelling in this; hoping that he can cause enough shit so that it causes problems with your partner. He really is trying to do a number on you all.

Your exp was presuming your children had met him & based his lie on that, dragging his child into the cock & bull. You should be angry, not pacifying him.

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