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Toxic relationship with my Mother

(14 Posts)
LifeAsWeKnowIt Thu 26-Jan-17 23:03:11

I want to hate my mother I really do, but I'm literally so weak I even speak to the person who raped me because I feel bad ignoring him as he is my mums friend and he had words with her about me being rude in front of everyone at the salon (black family so the salon is like a home away from home) I now avoid it. Anyway going off course.

I grew up in a toxic home, step father was a drug addict who often left me home alone at a very young age whilst my mum was out getting pissed. They'd both come back and you guessed it, a big fight which usually involved the police coming round. My mum would wind him up and throw mugs at him and shout 'Hit me then' numerous times before he did. I was usually screaming at them to stop. One time he threw boiling water over me and my mum because I was sleeping in their bed and my mum ordered him to sleep on the sofa.

This must have had an affect on her but she was horrible to me, always belittling me, telling me I was good for nothing, I was a troubled child who ran away a lot and tried to commit suicide for the first time when I was 8. Then many times after that. She'd hit me and make me stay home if I wasn't at school to look after my siblings or clean the house. I had literally no life.
I am traumatised by her behaviour, by the life I had to live. Now she wants me to forgive and forget, it's all in the past now I've moved out she says. It's really not I am deeply hurt by her and not once has she said sorry to me. I still have scars on my inner thigh where she'd burn me with the iron. I still have scars on my wrist from trying to ease the pain. I still have flashbacks from when she tried to drown me in the bath as I was a failure who ruined her life. I was never good enough but now I don't have to be with her all the time practically chained to the house she thinks I'm being unreasonable for not seeing her enough.

But I feel bad, I still love her and I try to put what she did in the back of my mind. I want to be close and I know now she can't control me she won't hurt me but I can't cut her off. I have 3 siblings and 2 of my own DC who need me to be strong and push through. Pretend everything is okay.

I was the bastard child who ruined her life. Her other 3 kids can do no wrong which I resented growing up but now I'm so glad they don't have to go through what I did. She's with a new man now who is quite well off so she is in a good place and quite happy.


mainly getting things off my chest

kerryob Thu 26-Jan-17 23:19:20

Cut her off, she abused you, you and your DCs do not need her in your life. She might be happy but you are physically, emotionally and mentally carrying scars from her abuse.

Have you had any therapy? If you haven't please seek it as you need to cut her off and remove the guilt of doing it. No child should have experienced anything you did it sounds awful and you deserve so much better. You didn't ruin her life, you don't have to pretend everything is ok, because it's not. I strongly recommend reading toxic parents by Susan Forward. It's hard to cut off mothers in particular as people have stupid expectations and it's all about faaaaamily. Nope it's not its about living without abuse or fear. I've been nc with my mother for six years & I do get sad now & again but I feel sad as I never had a mum & I never will have that dream. I had to learn to let go. My guilt disappeared & was replaced by angry for the way I was treated and I realised I did deserve better.

You do have a choice flowers

montezumasrevenge Thu 26-Jan-17 23:22:34

Much love flowers
I know how hard it is brewcake

BelarusianDoll Thu 26-Jan-17 23:22:50

Cut ties with her OP and get therapy if you think it might help.

springydaffs Thu 26-Jan-17 23:38:00

I've had years and years of therapy for much less. I needed it.

Sadly, horrific things won't just go away ; stay buried and they cause no amount of trouble. You have to get this out - with a trained professional.

I'm so sorry you experienced severe child abuse throughout your wretched childhood. It is possible to overcome such an horrific start in life but it takes a lot of work to get there. Your story is so bad I think you would get nhs funding (which is saying something: hardly anybody qualifies for that).

Take care of your sweet self flowers flowers flowers

LifeAsWeKnowIt Fri 27-Jan-17 00:02:22

Thank you for your kind words. I really do need to have therapy but my god am I afraid of everything I've buried so deep coming out.

I was very lucky to have the best grandparents (not by blood) who tried numerous times to adopt me and took me on 2/3 holidays a year just to get me away from her. She was very convincing and I would sometimes believe I was imaging the abuse. She soon cut all ties with them after they tried to save me from her kidnap me.

I don't want to break my family up. Not like it's not already broken.

I am mentally unstable, I fear my children are going to suffer the most from this. I often wish I could take my life but again too weak to even do that!

It honestly feels so good to get this out. I've not spoken about this in about 5 years.

chuggabo Fri 27-Jan-17 00:35:16

You are brave to share your story- please know that people want to actively listen and acknowledge your feelings (and not just offer solutions). It is very hard to cut people off, as other posters suggest- take all the time you need to explore your own feelings before deciding what you want to do.

SoleBizzz Fri 27-Jan-17 02:33:14

Go and see a Psychodynamic therapist. You will be safe and what comes out will be at a pace you can bear. The relief you will feel is amazing.

Then you can chat about going no contact

None of this was ever your fault.

You are in no way to blame and you can't carry on like this x

chocolateworshipper Fri 27-Jan-17 08:35:10

The trouble with having a toxic mother is that there is always a part of you that yearns to have a mother - and I suspect that is why you say that you love her. I would suggest that you explore different types of therapy - EMDR could help with the flashbacks and CBT could help you change how you view yourself and how to deal with the feelings about your mother.

springydaffs Fri 27-Jan-17 20:54:44

Yes the thought of getting it out is a very frightening thought. But the thought doesn't reflect the experience: as usual is the anticipation that is much worse than the reality.

I heard sincerity the other day about living in the day re 'Just for today I will...' etc. The one I read said 'Just for today I will not try to solve my life problems all at once'. You have to take this a step at a time, a day at a time.


springydaffs Fri 27-Jan-17 20:55:43

Predictive! *I heard something

LifeAsWeKnowIt Sat 28-Jan-17 10:38:49

Thank you for all your supportive messages. I am taking them all in flowers you guys are awesome

chocolateworshipper Sat 28-Jan-17 11:40:59

By the way - you are NOT weak in not taking your own life. When you hit rock bottom, the decision to stay alive takes incredible strength.

springydaffs Sat 28-Jan-17 11:43:14

you guys are awesome

Ditto wink You that is.

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