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Advice needed - heads totally fucked(98 Posts)
I don't really know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I guess I am just looking for unbiased opinions..this is likely to be long as I don't want to be dripfeeding later on so I will try to cover as much as I can
I have been with my husband coming up 10 years now. He has always been a bit jealous and possessive but its never caused any real problems until pretty recently. Yeah we have bickered about stuff, but never properly fell out over it.
This will seem irrelevant but it may go someway to explaining some of the recent behaviour. I don't know if it does as I do tend to think sometimes he uses this as an excuse but anyway. My mother has always favoured my sister. I have in the past got upset about this. My mother also did not come to my wedding. She had plans, though there was a few months notice and honestly, its something thats easily rearranged/cancelled. She has also previously fell out with my husband though they seem to get on fine now.
I rarely go out on my own. This is partly as we are very skint and partly as I canot be arsed to deal with the strops that would happen if I did. I know this makes me seem a fool from the offset for putting up with this, but as I said, its never really been that much of an issue before. However, because of this, I have pretty much isolated myself from my group of 'friends outside of him'.
I am currently on medication for chronic pain issues. My pain means I am often unable to do anything at all besides lie/sit in agony for hours on end. When this happens, he deals with the children as I can only give cuddles and talk to them. I am quite sure I could not manage on my own due to this, though I know thats not a reason to ignore this (what I think is) pretty shocking behaviour.
So. It has been my birthday recently. My mother paid for a spa day with overnight stay for me as she said I could do with a break plus she had done the same for my sister on her birthday. I was pretty happy, its quite rare I spend any time one on one with my mother, and though we have had problems in the past about various things, we are pretty close and tend to get on well. She informed me of this a month or so before we were due to go. My husband had a bit of a bitch on about it, long the lines of 'she doesn't care any other time so why now' and such, that I brushed off and told him to not be so silly and that I was looking forward to it. Then everything seemed fine. Until 2 weeks before I was due to go when he suddenly decided that he absolutely had to go to the same spa. He knew round about when we were going but dates aren't his strong suit. He went ahead and booked for the 23rd Jan. He then claimed that this was nothing to do with us, just something he wanted to do. I was suspicious tbh as he is not really a spa person at all and it just seemed too coincidental that he had had a problem previously and then happened to book for that date..so (and I may have been in the wrong here) I lied to him and said that thats perfectly fine as we were going on the 21st so would be back intime for him to go so there would be no issues with childcare and that. He then 'randomly' decided that he didn't want to go on the 23rd, but he absolutely had to go on the 21st. Now, I knew he was just trying to cause problems for sure. At this stage I told him he was just being a dick, and that he could go anytime he wanted and he was obviously trying to cause trouble..he denied this and stuck to his 'I just want to go, and just happened to book what I thought was the same day as you, then change it the same day as you when I thought I was wrong on the date you were going..total coincidence'. After this followed 3 DAYS of bitching on. Saying I should cancel with my mam as she doesn't 'give a fuck any other time' and then trying to persuade me to go with him instead...even then deciding that me and him were to go the night before I was due to go with my mam, then me go back. At this stage I was just irritated with him and (again I may be at fault here) started just either ignoring his snipes or giving sarcastic replies. He continued kicking off and eventually I snapped and told him to grow the fuck up and pull himself together and under no circumstances would I be not going to this day/night with my mother. He then decided to tell me hes not been feeling himself recently and tried to tell me he had attempted suicide by tying a plastic bag round his head..but failed as there was holes in. Now, call me cynical but I knew this was bullshit, but on the offchance he was actually feeling suicidal instead of trying to manipulate me, I said that if he was really feeling that way he should speak to a GP. He called the GP the next day and got a sameday appointment, was given some antidepressants and a follow up appointment for the next week. He did not take the tablets, and cancelled the appointment for the next week also. He then kept dropping little comments pitying himself because I was so horrible as to still stick to my spa day when I knew he was feeling down, and so on. He was behaving so erratically I asked his father to watch the kids the night I was away. Because both...there was a 0.01% chance he was actually ill and not trying to be a dick and was a bit worried about leaving the kids with him if he was as unstable as he was coming across, plus I could see him deciding the day before or something that he couldn't watch the kids as a means of giving me no option but to stay home. Obviously his dad wanted to know what the hell was going on, so I told him. He called my husband and told him to stop being such an idiot..at this stage my husband tried playing the 'I have done nothing wrong' card and accused me of making it all up...however, after his conversation with his dad, during which his dad told him in no uncertain terms that he knows I did not make it up...everything seemed to calm down.
Infact, things seemed...too good. I should have suspected something at this stage really as it was a bit odd to switch from how he had been...to offering to pack my bags and being overly happy about the whole situation. So the day came, I went, everything seemed to be fine. I got to sleep before 12am for the first time in months (I don't sleep well) and then at 1.30am..we are knocked out of bed by the hotel receptionist. She tells my mam that there has been a drunk guy on the phone who is saying he is my husband and there is something wrong with my children as a means to speak to me. I called him back off my mothers mobile and he slurs 'I don't like being in this house on my own, come home now'. I know he is pissed..its blatantly obvious. I cannot be arsed with his drunken paranoia and stuff and am so tired and just told him I would speak to him when he was sober. He tells me he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol and the only reason he is slurring is because he currently (whilst talking to me) has a sandwich in his mouth (?!). He won't answer anything about the kids..so I say bye and call his dad to check if the kids are actually ill as was claimed or if (and this was my suspicion) he was trying to manipulate me again. Obviously, turned out there was nothing wrong with the kids, but his dad wanted to know why I had called him at 1.30 asking about them so again, I am not going to lie about it. I told him. I should probably mention at this stage, that he threatened the receptionist. I am not sure exactly what he said to her, but she told us he had threatened her and was saying he would come down there and bless her she seemed so apologetic even though it was not her fault at all. She also said if he did turn up, she would have to phone the police. I said fine, it might teach him a lesson to be banged up for the night as he can't go around threatening random people. About 15 mins after this, I get a call back off my father in law...my husband had claimed he was asleep all fucking night and that the call off his dad had just woken him up. So yet again trying to make out I was making it all up. His dad had then asked what he was playing at calling the hotel and threatening the receptionist and he said she was making it up (tripping up his 'I was fast asleep' story at the same time)...this is a woman who has never met him ever, has no axe to grind at all, and who was simply doing her job. Again, his dad told him he was being an arsehole and hung up. I then got a text saying nothing but 'goodbye' which I took to be him threatening suicide or something, and this may not have been my finest hour as I guess there was a small chance he was serious but I told my mam that I was 100% sure he was just manipulating me again...so fuck him. And ignored it. It also came out when I did get home (no earlier than planned) that he had spent all of our money out on the piss, buying everyone rounds and stuff. I was soo pissed off as we are so short on cash anyway at the moment and he had spent over 200 quid in a night. All seemingly to punish me for daring to go somewhere without him...
That was the end of all of that. Then my dad upon hearing of the whole event commented on my mothers facebook status about the spa, that 'it should have been a nice relaxing night if someone didn't ruin it. Some leopards never change their spots' or something. I hate facebook dramas but what my dad puts is upto him and its not really like anyone (bar me, my husband and his father) would even know what the hell he was on about. So the next morning I am woken up by my husband banging around going on about some 'dickhead' and that. I ask what on earths the matter and he says my dad put up that about him..well I knew this the day before but I guess he just didn't see it til the morning. He then bangs around a bit more muttering on, then comes back in with a huge smile on his face saying 'I told your arsehole father whats up'. With dread I check facebook and he has put up a status directed at my father calling him a dickhead and saying he needs to 'take a look at his wife before slagging others off'...so also insulting my mother at the same time. He then proceeds to tell me that my parents are no longer welcome in this house, and pretty much offers me an unltimatum between him and them...which I ignored completely. I hate people who ask others to make decisions like that (especially over something so small...). I then started texting my mam asking her/my dad to please not reply and put our lives on facbook even though I know that I would have a hard time not replying to that. I told my mother about what had gone on and she said it was a disgusting thing to ask me and that noone should ever expect their partner to make a choice like that. So that day...a lot of stropping and such, and random mentions of how he 'spoke to that girls manager and she will probably get sacked' for 'lying about him' and such. Yeah right...sure she will. Even less sure when I wrote out a whole comment card thing complimenting her on how professional she was throughout it all and apologising to her once again on behalf of my husband...
Today...it just seems he is wanting to argue for nothing. He woke me up this morning going on about how if I want him to leave he will leave and why don't I just tell him I don't want to be with him and such. I told him if he wants to leave thats up to him but not to make out it was my decision. He then decided he was sorry for saying this and that he didn't mean anything, but starts going on about how I should 'stick up for him' against my parents. I told him I would, if he was in the right but I do not think he is. Quiet for a bit, then he starts making cryptic comments about ultimatums and how he wouldn't like the answer (my message to my mum about this was something along the lines of 'if he pushes me for an answer, he won't like the answer I give' so it was fairly clear he had been reading my facebook messages). Pretty much brushed it off as I just feel so drained. Just kinda said 'ok' to pretty much everything for the rest of the day and didn't speak properly to him at all as I was so annoyed. Then he starts bleating on about getting some protein powder for the gym. We have had discussions about this before and when he started doing the gym he agreed that until our money situation is better...he wouldn't be asking for crap like that. Honestly, after how much of our money he wasted I felt he had such a cheek even mentioning this protein rubbish. I told him we do not have 30 quid to buy some powder that he doesn't need. He stropped. He asked again, I answered the same. He stropped and said he wouldn't bother going to the gym at all as there is no point without using protein powder. I stayed calm (though was screaming inside) and said that if he didn't want to go to the gym anymore, its entirely his choice. Half an hour later, he starts banging on about the powder again. I am sick to the back teeth of it all at this stage so I go upstairs out of the way, he shouts me back down and I say no, I have had enough. Hear a load of banging, which was clearly him throwing stuff around (though again, he denies that he threw anything, claims he fell over...4 times in a row and whilst muttering onto himself about how horrible I am)...and now here I am writing this out on my laptop in my bedroom while he huffs downstairs.
I am pretty sure this behavior isn't normal. What the fuck do I do? I cannot deal with anymore of this childishness and I have kids to think about also who don't need to see their father behaving like a petulant teenager.
Or is it me that needs to be more understanding..am I blowing this out of proportion?
My head is up my arse tbh.
More understanding? You're fucking joking right?! I couldn't put up with that shit for 5 minutes!
No it isn't normal he is an emotional abuser and he wants to put you in your place.
He wants to isolate you from friends and family.
He wants to control when you go out.
He wants to make you feel bad and punish you for going to the spa so spends your family money to teach you a lesson.
Here is my first LTB.
Start to plan your escape.
I also find it interesting that the first night you are away from him you got to sleep earlier.
This isn't healthy for you or your children to live with.
I don;t know if I have rationalized his behaviour for a long time, or if it has ramped up recently..or what to be quite honest. I am thinking, surely this wouldn't just happen out of the blue and there must have been some leadup. Then I am second guessing myself with the 'maybe he is mentally ill' stuff even though deep down I think I know that is utter bollocks as situations caused by mental illness wouldn't be so...convenient for him if that makes sense? Then I am thinking maybe I am overreacting..but then thinking I may have been conditioned to blame myself. I used to be a pretty smart woman who could spot a toxic guy a mile off...is it really possible that I have been so blind for 10 years?!
Op you mention the gym and protein powder, could he be on steroids? Clearly he is very unstable and I'd worry he got dangerous, but I wonder if he is doing steroids or something that is causing this. Or has he always been like this ?
I think this is the longest post I have ever seen on here do haven't read all of it but GET OUT. NOW.
You say you wonder how you've been blind for ten years but you admit....
I rarely go out on my own. This is partly as we are very skint and partly as I canot be arsed to deal with the strops that would happen if I did.
So maybe that's why he doesn't show his true colours, because you behave how he wants you to.
Sounds like a horrible man.
My father-in-laws partner mentioned steroids as a possible explanation for this all. But I don't think he would do that. He is very antidrugs of anysort. To the point where he makes 'jokes' about me being a druggie being on the large amount of painkillers that I need just to function. I have also spoken to his cousin who he does the gym with and he says as far as he knows definitely not. I guess anything is possible but that seems really unlikely.
Hes always been like this, to an extent. Not to this extent though. The best example I can give I think is the last time I went out without him, again this was with my mother. We went to see the ladyboys of bangkok. There was weeks of huffing and him saying things like he was wanting to go to it with me (despite not mentioning it prior to my mother asking me to go) and he arranged childcare so he could go out that night too, which wasn't a problem but I found it a bit dodgy how he wanted to meet me right after the show ended and that.
God when I write all this shit down I can see it so differently..and if I was the same person I was years back I would be LTB immediately no questions asked. I have no confidence now though, not sure if this is a result of my illness or anything else. I also do actually love him, as crazy as that sounds.
I didn't make it all the way through your OP i'm afraid but seriously you need to leave him. And keep your DC safe whilst you do.
He has abusive written all over him, if you reported his behaviour to the police he'd have a field day trying to get near any of you.
He is a massively manipulative, abusive, unstable person.
You need to get as far away from him, and as quickly, as you can.
*Hes always been a bit like this. Not to this extent though.
Do you really love him? Or do you just love your memories of him and what you thought your life together would be?
Do you really love him? Or do you just love your memories of him and what you thought your life together would be?
I honestly don't know anymore.
Fuck me he sounds like a spoilt 12 year old.
I was exhausted just reading that. How can you stand to even look at him? His behaviour is repulsive.
Kick the fucker out. You'd never regret it.
He is very, very controlling. Look up emotional abuse - you may recognise him from the descriptions you will find online.
Do not let him isolate you from your parents! I think they will be your support network. Keep them close as their help will be invaluable.
I honestly don't know anymore.
I'm not surprised. You need to have a good old think about that. Do you love him or just 'know' him, have history, know how to 'handle' him and most of all feel responsible for him
He sounds absolutely dreadful OP. I don't see how you can stay with him even if you want to. He gives you absolutely no reason to love him but plenty to despise him. Your life is being ruined and it will only get worse, you and your DC don't have to put up with this utter twat.
Op you are in absolutely no way blowing this out of proportion! Your husband sounds unhinged! Has he always been this controlling/ abusive/ unreasonable? As if he hasn't I would be calling the g.p and saying you are concerned that he is having some sort of breakdown!
If however, this is his normal behaviour, I would pack his bags and tell him to leave. If he continues to harass you or your parents call the police! I would also ask if your fil can pick up the children for any contact. Have a look online for information on narcissists and sociopaths!
Dear god, he sounds absolutely awful. Get rid asap!
Honestly op he sounds dangerous, pack your stuff and the kids up and go to your parents I kid you not
He has antisocial personality disorder.
Please leave this man.
For your sake & your children's.
It's not often I am speechless on here but that virtual essay on emotional abuse is astounding
This is your life ? You engage with this idiot on a regular basis ?
I don't know what to say
I downplay everything to my parents, always have. I think its because deep down I know. I do need to leave and should have done it ages ago. Fuck. I am in such a mess at the moment. I actually can't stop crying..its kind of hit me all at once that I'm just in denial.
He sounds awful. You can't put up with this behaviour. He will drive you crazy.. it was bad enough just skimming through the Op, but to live it. I think my mental health would be suffering.
Please make the right decision for you and the children.
This is really bad and no way to live. You have children with this monster?
You need help and fast. Women's Aid would be an excellent place to start. You will never make yourself small enough to satisfy this man. Never.
I'm totally gobsmacked after reading this. I know there will be problems and you'll need serious support given your pain level and how it knocks you off your feet, but truly this situation is unendurable. He's off his head whether it be steroids or antisocial disorder. The result is extreme abuse and a constant barrage of it too. It's not just you either, it's like random fire at any target in the way. Truly, this has to be ended for you and for the dc. No way can this continue and you/dc retain any sanity at all. I do feel he has the potential for real physical danger too, should he be backed into a corner. Please talk with Women's Aid and your parents. I think, very strongly, that you and dc need to escape. And it will be an escape. I also know how utterly difficult this will be but I think you need to gather whatever is left of your strength (confidence can be dealt with later) and get out asap.
Do you own or rent? Joint mortgage/tenancy? Actually, I'm so concerned that I think escape should come first and sorting everything out can wait. But you have to be ready and, sadly, you're a bit desensitised to how deeply mad this all is.
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