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DH's problem with me...

(76 Posts)
housewife2 Thu 26-Jan-17 19:22:21

For a few months now DH has had a problem with me. Apparently I am not open enough/don't share feelings enough, and he feels this pushes him away.

So - he tells me that I don't share my feelings with him - I now make a really big effort to do so, and begin more sentences with "I feel..." so in case I was a bit rusty, I would teach myself to naturally share feelings better. He says he's not noticed me do this at all. He's still not happy and thinks I hide feelings.

* deep breath *

Next - you know all those times where you're worried about something silly, but you can't help thinking about it? DH might ask you what's wrong and you respond "oh it's nothing, don't worry" and life goes on - well I'm not allowed to say 'nothing's wrong' because it explodes into a fight about how I'm not open enough. So now every time he quizzes me, I tell him straight away, no matter how mundane or abstract my though was. However, I slip up occasionally and accidentally respond with "nothing" - cue an emotional meltdown from my DH because "YOU ALWAYS SAY "NOTHING'S WRONG" WHEN IT IS"

* more deep breaths*

I love this man to pieces but this growing...paranoia? is just a few more ridiculous fights away from me walking out of the door for my own health. I am beginning to feel permanently on edge when he's around.
Any advice out there?

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jan-17 19:24:26

I think he is looking for reasons to end your marriage

But he could say he "tried" and not look like the bad guy

I would give him the exit he so clearly wants

Naicehamshop Thu 26-Jan-17 19:26:20

He sounds like very hard work. Do you really want to live like this?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Thu 26-Jan-17 19:29:20

No way could I live like this, can you continue to?

Testificateman Thu 26-Jan-17 19:32:05

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImperialBlether Thu 26-Jan-17 19:32:50

Oh how can you live with this stress? I'd be insane.

Naicehamshop Thu 26-Jan-17 19:34:00

That's a pretty stupid remark, Test.

DrFoxtrot Thu 26-Jan-17 19:34:24

Everybody appears spot on so far apart from Testicleman

kittybiscuits Thu 26-Jan-17 19:34:58

Easy testosterone!

Cherryskypie Thu 26-Jan-17 19:36:15

Has he always been this intense? It's very odd behaviour.

DrFoxtrot Thu 26-Jan-17 19:36:42

OP this sounds like a form of emotional abuse, you are watching what you say, you're walking on eggshells and your confidence will slowly slip away. Do you have any children?

PollytheDolly Thu 26-Jan-17 19:37:13

End of marriage? Come on!

Get some counselling together and communicate with help first...then decide if it's over.

PidgeyfinderGeneral Thu 26-Jan-17 19:38:00

I'm afraid I cannot stand being hounded to verbalise everything in my head to appease someone else's' insecurity.

He clearly feels that you're not communicating with him but he's going the wrong way about trying to get you to. It sounds as though there's a bit of a gap in expectations around communication. Perhaps it might be worth some counselling?

Doublemint Thu 26-Jan-17 19:38:53

Op your DH sounds like he's selectively attending to your behaviour, I.e he's only noticing things you do that he doesn't like, even when you are trying he won't notice. So stop trying. He shouldn't change you especially if you've been like this since you met him, how dare he. I'd be questioning staying with him if he's treating you like this and not noticing the effort you've made.

test just so you know, anyfucker is one of my fave regular posters on MN. Often I read a thread and her reply and think "oh good she's said what I was thinking." Maybe have a biscuit and chill.

HorridHenryrule Thu 26-Jan-17 19:40:04

If he didn't care he wouldn't say anything. Maybe you're putting him on edge with your quietness. Why would you say nothing is wrong if you are thinking about something. Just tell him what it is are you hiding secrets from him?

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jan-17 19:40:05

Hey testicle man..., where is your girlfriend moonie ?

Scarydinosaurs Thu 26-Jan-17 19:41:18

I imagine it must feel as if you could never have a private thought. How utterly frustrating for you.

What do you want to happen?

Fishface77 Thu 26-Jan-17 19:41:35

I have hovered on many threads and find anyfuckers advice is usually very good. Very blunt and could be seen as too extreme for many people but incisive and no nonsense.

He sounds awful and controlling op.
Some thoughts are best left in our heads!
Maybe you need to come up with some ready made thoughts like,
I wonder what the moon tastes like?
I wonder if mice speak English or the language of the land they live or a special mice language?
I wonder how fast snails crawl?
I'm thinking about trumps little hands.....
Etc etc

MrsEvadneCake Thu 26-Jan-17 19:41:36

I think he's obviously not happy but that doesn't mean it's you. He feels things aren't alright but it's not up to you to fix that. Like you said you've tried to be more expressive.

And yy to Anyfucker being very astute and having a lot of helpful things to offer people.

Orangetoffee Thu 26-Jan-17 19:41:49

Does he share all his feelings and thoughts with you too?

DrFoxtrot Thu 26-Jan-17 19:43:35

If I had to tell somebody everything I was thinking it might go like this -

Shall I go for a shit now or after I've put the kettle on. I can't believe my bad luck that there were two tractors on the way home. Where have I left my slippers. I'd love to see the Northern lights one day.

Nobody needs to know everything you are thinking, that would be completely ridiculous.

housewife2 Thu 26-Jan-17 19:44:01

Thank you everyone who posted advice.

I don't want to end my marriage. I would like to help him (or find help for him) to get to the bottom of these intense feelings.

I don't know very much about marriage counselling - it always sounded a bit...silly? But maybe it will give him a platform to talk in a calm environment?

TGItsNotChristmasAnymore Thu 26-Jan-17 19:44:22

It does sound like hard work, you agree with him? I know you say you've been trying but before that did you agree with him. The reason I ask is this...
.Sometimes when someone points out our flaws it's hard to accept, but if we are honest with ourselves we can usually agree with that person. Some people are v open with their feelings some people aren't. Im quite an internal thinker, if something is worrying me or playing on my mind I tend to not talk about it. I take time to process the situation in my head then I may share my concerns. While I know this isn't a wrong way to deal with issues, it's just my way, I do also understand it means I can come across as moody. I don't mean to be, I just find myself saying 'nothing I'm ok' when clearly I'm not, I go quiet and like to be on my own until I'm ready to seek advice or explain. I recognise this and try to tell people instead 'I just have a few things on my mind, but thanks for asking and if I need an ear I'll come find you'
The thing is we are all entitled to private thoughts, the inside of our head belongs to us no one else, but if your living with someone who you feel is emotionally blocking you out thar could be hurtful and frustrating. this a new thing or has he always said this? Are you aware that you may struggle with expressing how you feel? Is something bothering you but you just don't want to tell him, because if so he'll pick up on this.
On the other hand it could just be a sign that he isn't happy and he's trying to deflect that onto you, or it could be part of a controlling personality but only you can answer that, we don't know him,you do.

AnyFucker Thu 26-Jan-17 19:44:34

Thanks guys smile

Steamgirl Thu 26-Jan-17 19:44:50

Maybe you need to explain how his behaviour makes you feel grin

You do have a right to have private thoughts and feelings without being forced to share everything and maybe it's time for him to deal with his problem in a more positive way.

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