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DH, trip away, I'm a bit nuts.

(23 Posts)
Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 15:06:29

First of all, it's not a lads holiday per day. It's a uni trip to do research for his degree with his class but every evening is free time and they're planning a big booze up every night there (5 days, 4 nights).

DH and I have been together for 10
years, married for 1 with two DD's 8 and 6. We've both gone back to uni now the girls are in school and it's all great. Our marriage is solid and we love each other plus DH has no issues with alcohol, never cheated to my knowledge etc.

So WHY do I want to cry at the thought of him having fun for 5 days without me? It's not for two months but I genuinely feel bloody awful about it even though I know I'm being totally unreasonable. Firstly, it's a mandatory thing for uni. Secondly, he rarely goes out or drinks so it's not like he doesn't deserve to have fun...and yet.

Just looking for some advice because I feel like a crazy woman for feeling this way but I can't seem to stop worrying about the 'what if' scenarios. I have anxiety and depression that are usually quite well managed but this has really set me off and I need people to reason with me like I'm five.

Huskylover1 Thu 26-Jan-17 16:33:48

No advice, but I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I have been with DH for 8 years, married for almost 4, and I would feel the same. But, I know why I am like this - my first husband cheated constantly! My DH however, would not do this!! And I know this! But he's very handsome, and a big tall guy and the women tend to like him....he never seems to even notice. I've decided to stop obsessing, there's just no point. I would say that if you have no reason to suspect your DH of cheating, then you have nothing to worry about. Easier said than done, I know!

Bluntness100 Thu 26-Jan-17 16:38:45

I'm not sure sounds like trust or low self esteem issues. Maybe a little controlling. My husband goes away quite a lot, work or golf holidays etc, Has a few drinks (gets drunk 😃) , it genuinely doesn't even cross my mind to be concerned about it.

pallasathena Thu 26-Jan-17 16:41:40

My daughter in law does this and it stems from her deep feelings of insecurity.
She's very set in her ways and if something a bit different presents itself, she worries herself to death and can't enjoy herself at all.
Its anxiety related which I sympathise with of course but it is nevertheless rather wearing for everyone else in the family, because she refuses to address it, doesn't see it as a problem and its now become her default position whenever anyone wants to do anything new.
It is becoming a very serious problem and I worry that her fears and anxieties will eventually push her husband away and distance herself from their children. But when I gently broach the issue I'm told its because she cares. Its not. Its because she's terrified that people will leave her.

Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 16:48:21

Palls, your daughter in law sounds a lot like me. I definitely feel like people will leave me and it can be very isolating but I'm mindful mostly about pushing DH away who is nothing short of wonderful.

I think that's also an issue. He's a great looking man in his early 30's and women love him although he insists he doesn't notice. If I love him and find him attractive, why wouldn't other people?

I genuinely don't want to be controlling. He's a grown man who can do what he likes. I just want advice on how to be less controlling and paranoid so he has a great time to relax with friends and I'm not an emotional mess over it all. I know I'm being unreasonable to put this on DH so I was hoping here would be a better, safe place.

Huskylover1 Thu 26-Jan-17 16:58:30

But it's not really about how attractive he is, it's more about his moral compass. My first husband was not that good looking, and yet cheated ALL of the time. I think he needed constant attention and validation from women, because he wasn't much to write home about. Whereas my DH now, is one of the handsomest (is that a word?) men I have ever laid eyes on, and yet he just isn't the cheating type. You say he doesn't notice other women....so I'm sure you have absolutely nothing to worry about!

FourKidsNotCrazyYet Thu 26-Jan-17 17:02:11

I feel your pain. My husbands going to Afghanistan on Saturday for a couple of months. I'm dreading it too! I hope your ok OP

Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 17:06:24

Wow, FourKids! You've got a much harder situation than I have. I hope you're okay too! flowers

Agreed, Husky. DH has never cheated on any of his other partners nor have I ever thought he's been cheating on me. It's a situation I've blown up in my head and now I'm suffering for it though I know this is all on me and says nothing at all about him.

FourKidsNotCrazyYet Thu 26-Jan-17 17:10:43

Everyone copes differently. I'm sure once he's gone you'll feel more positive, sometimes it can be the dread of them leaving that's the worse part. Then they go and it's not too bad. Afghan is about 8 hours in front so communication will be tricky. That's worrying me too. Do you have a good friend network for support? I don't have family near but good friends. And my four kids smile

Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 17:15:03

Not really. My DD's, part time job and university keep me skint and busy but I could really use a girls night. Maybe I'll invite some girlfriends over to have a night in with a takeaway and a bottle of wine to take my mind off it. I don't see them as much as I'd like to so that's a great idea.

I really don't want to be plaguing him with more than the odd text to tell him I love him and ask about his day. I want him to enjoy it and relax without worrying about me or feeling like I'm intruding, if you get what I mean? I'm not like this day to day but when it flares I become pretty annoyingly needy and I know I need to find an alternative coping mechanism for that.

pocketsaviour Thu 26-Jan-17 17:16:13

OP, have you had any treatment for your anxiety? CBT could be a really useful approach for you, and help you to manage your anxious feelings without putting pressure on your DH or making him responsible for your feelings.

The problem is with anxiety that when it's irrational anxiety (as this seems - since you haven't said you have any cause to doubt your DH) if you ask other people to change what they do in order to make you feel less anxious, you're actually increasing the strength of the anxious feelings. So for example you might ask him to call you twice a day, and he agreed to do so. For that short trip, that might assuage your anxiety and help you cope. But then next time this sort of problem comes along, you're going to expect him to do the same, except this time that doesn't feel like enough, so you ask him to ring you twice and send you a whatsapp video of him tucked up in bed alone... It just escalates further and further, because you're letting the anxiety control you (and him) rather than you controlling it.

I hope that makes sense, I'm not sure I explained it very well. My sister suffers anxiety and OCD and CBT has been very helpful for her in coping healthily with things rather than making her DH jump through more and more hoops and routines. Good luck flowers

ShowOfHands Thu 26-Jan-17 17:19:44

My DH is in Afghanistan at the moment (for 6 months) and I don't know why your dh is going FourKids or where he will be, but DH is somewhere where there is NO alcohol and socialising is really not what you'd expect. DH reads, go to the gym, watches films and works.

OP, have you told him honestly how you feel. Tried to talk to him about your fears? It might help.

Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 17:22:02

That makes perfect sense, pocketsaviour. I'm mindful about not treading into that territory as I've been there before and it put a lot of strain on our relationship in the beginning. It stems from not having had great relationships pre-DH (emotional and physical abuse with cheating) but I know the quickest way back there is to push DH away with my irrational fears and make them his responsibility. In his head he's just having drinks, playing cards and hanging out with the boys. In mine, it becomes something else.

I'm waiting on an appointment from a referral for CBT at the moment but as it only went through three weeks ago, I'm unsure if an appointment is realistic by mid-March on the NHS and I just don't have the funds to go privately for sessions. Day to day I deal pretty well and our relationship has been wonderful for a few solid years but that's because I actively hide this irrational side in fear of pushing him further away.

RubbishMantra Thu 26-Jan-17 17:23:05

I went on mandatory trips whilst in my first year of my degree as a mature student. Lots of alcohol. No shagging occurred for me or my fellow students, ranging from 21 to 50 y/o.

The last thing on my mind was shagging, and I'm sure your DH feels the same. And we all got so leglessly drunk one night that some of us had to help each other to bed. I was one of those people who got that drunk. blush

FourKidsNotCrazyYet Thu 26-Jan-17 17:25:58

Thanks show. Mainly Kabul and Herat. He's not military now he does landline clearance so not sure what his accommodation will be like. I'm sure we'll all be fine. Have a winesmile

Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 17:26:16

I have spoken to him and he's very supportive. He reassures me, sends me texts just to say he loves me if we're apart all day and is genuinely doing his best with something he doesn't understand but there's a point in the conversations where he becomes irritated because he's just repeating himself that he wouldn't intentionally hurt me and that's when I need to stop putting it on him. It's like he can take so much and then feels like he's being blamed in advance for things he hasn't done and that's got to be hard on anyone. I'm just not sure how to clear those fears past the point of taking the weight off him.

Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 17:27:50

wine sounds very good right now! DH isn't back until after midnight as he's gone straight to his evening job from university so I'm thinking MN, a bubble bath and wine as my sister has the DD's for a sleepover tonight.

pocketsaviour Thu 26-Jan-17 17:35:33

OP have a look at this link:
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/online-mental-health-services/Pages/introduction.aspx

There are some online CBT and mental health services that you can self-refer for, or get your GP to refer you for, which is likely to be much quicker than waiting for face to face treatment.

Enjoy your wine and bubble bath smile

Badcat666 Thu 26-Jan-17 17:35:49

I used to be like you my love but as I have gotten older I manage to control my fears and focus on other things. It all stemmed down to the fact I thought something would happen with another woman, even though I knew nothing would! (and never has)

Now when Mr BC goes away I look at it with excitement rather than fear.

I use that time for little old me. I watch the things he normally would cringe at (silly rom coms or fluffy films I know would send him running to hide in the loo), have long baths/ showers/ pampering sessions (hello eyebrow and lash tint and goodbye rhino feet). Cook whatever takes my fancy and sometimes have my girlies over. I've even deep cleaned the cupboards and sometimes do nothing! grin

Look at it as a little holiday for you and the kids! Bake and eat cake for dinner! Dance in your jim jams to music you and the kids love. Watch all the crap on the telly!

And when you get scared, or worried, remember, he has chosen you and loves you. He will most probably be missing you as much as you miss him and bore people to tears if he gets drunk by talking about you and the kids (which I found out once happens! Mr BC got drunk and spent the whole evening once talking about things I do for him in man drunk talk!)

It will be ok and you will be ok. Like you said, he needs to do this for his course and if he does get squiffy you are liable to receive some soppy phone calls and drunken man texts

mummyto2monkeys Thu 26-Jan-17 17:40:36

Op do you find yourself anxious in other aspects of your life? I ask because I used to get irrationally anxious when my dh went out, despite having a fantastic marriage and a deeply loving relationship. My dh would never, ever cheat but I would still have this building anxiety in my stomach! I was also anxious when he took our children out, or incredibly anxious if my children had a cold/ virus. I thought all of this was normal as my Mum and brothers are the same. So it wasn't until I visited a psychiatrist regarding a degenerative neurological condition I have, and she explained that I had a hereditary predisposition to anxiety. She put me on anti anxiety meds and I swear they have done wonders for my relationship and my enjoyment of life! I am delighted for my dh to have a night out now and look forward to hearing all about it.I am also no longer as anxious when my children are out/ sick unless there is a very good reason to be anxious!

I don't feel numb, I feel like I am finally well after nearly a lifetime of worrying unnecessarily! It may be worth approaching your gp and asking about the possibility of anti anxiety meds

Thatnastywoman Thu 26-Jan-17 18:04:19

Badcat, I've just written that down so I can look at it when I'm feeling anxious. Thank you!

I didn't know about the possibility of online CBT! I'll definitely be looking more into that.

I'm anxious almost constantly but not debilitatingly so. It's kind of like a constant low level terror that amplifies if too much is going on or if something has triggered it. I'm anxious when he goes out to uni because I'm scared he'll be in an accident and never come home, same when he's out with our DD's. It's not too bad when I'm out with them or the DD's by themselves though. I've always just pushed it down and told myself I'm being silly until it really flares up as I'm a bit terrified of asking my doctor for help.

ShowOfHands Fri 27-Jan-17 11:22:41

Thatnastywoman, you have really good self awareness which will help you to deal with this. It is frightening to ask for help but that first step really will be worth it.

FourKids, dh is in Kabul. He isn't military either (for which I'm extremely grateful). You can always PM me if you want to compare whinges over having a DH in a far flung location.

PastoralCare Sun 29-Jan-17 08:35:50

Think of the 5 days as an opportunity to do lots of activities.

Book as many events, activities as you can.

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