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Have I already fallen out of love with my new husband?

(18 Posts)
EllaL Thu 26-Jan-17 12:43:00

Long term lurker, first post. Looking for some advice from you lovely ladies.

Quite simply, I don’t know if I love my husband. I mean how do you really know if they are the one for you? Just recently I have been asking myself is this it?

We have been married a year in March, together for only a year before that. We met 3 years ago at work and became good friends. We were both in unhappy (me abusive) marriages. We left our spouses for each other and (I thought were very much in love). In hindsight now, and after some counselling, I’m wondering if I just latched onto him and blew my feelings for him out of proportion to get out of my long, abusive relationship that I felt so trapped it.

My dh is the kindest, loveliest man I have ever met. He treats me like a woman should be treated. I cannot fault him one bit. He is everything I could imagine that I ever wanted. But lately it just seems like there is something missing. I felt empty and lonely and unfulfilled.

He has picked up on this and is quite righty very sad and confused and desperate to make me happy. He told me last night that he doesn’t think I love him, that he can see it in my face and that he knows I have cooled somewhat.

Do we really need marriage guidance already? I can’t help thinking is this it? Is this love? Happiness? Contentment? I was so sure about him, more sure than I ever was about anything and now its like I feel such apathy.

Any advice or thoughts appreciated.

Lottapianos Thu 26-Jan-17 12:50:06

'In hindsight now, and after some counselling, I’m wondering if I just latched onto him and blew my feelings for him out of proportion to get out of my long, abusive relationship that I felt so trapped it.'

You may be on to something there. You really haven't known each other that long, and it sounds like you got together in very intense circumstances. Maybe subconsciously you did see him as an escape from your awful first marriage.

It sounds like you have an idealised view of what marriage is or 'should be', and of what a husband 'should' be. He sounds like a good and kind man, and that's great. But remember that he's not perfect, because no-one is. There is no such thing as 'the one' - there are probably loads of different people you could have a successful relationship with, he just happens to be the one you married. Long term relationships have their dull bits, their boring bits, and times when the other person seriously gets on your nerves. That's perfectly normal. Life is not sunshine and roses just because you're married.

You sound really confused and that's understandable. I would highly recommend seeing a counsellor / psychotherapist by yourself. They will help you to figure out where your feelings are coming from and help you to understand them better

Captainladder Thu 26-Jan-17 12:56:07

EllaL it sounds like you have had quite a whirlwind time over the last few years... terrible relationship, falling in love, the excitement of getting married... maybe its just that now that there isnt as much drama in your life you feel a bit... flat? Do you work? Are you finding that fulfilling? Maybe you need to look in another area of your life to find that element of excitement... (like an adrenaline based hobby?!... )

I love the fact that my life is so... settled now. No drama, quiet and peaceful. And its not passionate all the time or exciting, but it is lovely.

hmmmum Thu 26-Jan-17 12:58:01

When you say, do we really need marriage guidance already?, I would say that the early years of marriage are often the time people most need this type of thing, and it's when it can be most useful! There's no shame at all in seeking a bit of outside help. I also wouldn't analyse or worry too much over the precise nature of your feelings for your dh. Feelings can ebb and flow. Sometimes the more you obsess over them, the more you can start nit picking, fault finding, having doubts. I've had moments in my marriage where I've wondered if I loved my dh; those moments passed and I had other moments of feeling totally in love.
If he's treating you well and is a good guy I would just stay in the relationship and give yourselves both time to grow and figure things out. Maybe reassure your dh with "I'm not going anywhere" and be committed to relationship counselling. Even if you feel you might go somewhere in the future, you don't want your relationship to be a breeding ground for fear confusion etc.
You're probably in turmoil what with all you've been through with your previous abusive relationship. Be kind and patient to yourself (and patient with your marriage) as you'll need time to heal, and the presence of a good guy who's there for you could be a really great thing and your feelings towards him could grow and deepen over time if you give it a chance. All the best flowers

category12 Thu 26-Jan-17 15:18:35

Maybe you could look at doing the women's aid 'freedom programme' and some work on yourself.

It might be that you're so used to living in tension and being treated badly, that you find a good relationship hard to accept.

It might be that he was your escape route , but I think it is worth exploring whether it's you (as such, due to your past experience) , first.

MackerelOfFact Thu 26-Jan-17 15:39:05

I felt empty and lonely and unfulfilled

The elimination of these feelings really shouldn't be sought from a partner. You should be able to feel complete by yourself. The fact that you have leapt from one marriage to another without a gap, and the fact that the first one was abusive, has probably muddied the water a little bit, understandably. But I think you need to explore what you're expecting from the relationship and why you are looking to your DH to stop you feeling empty and unfulfilled, and not to yourself.

I always think it's a good idea to have a decent gap between relationships to settle back into yourself and feel complete as an individual before seeking out another relationship, because the moment you start expecting someone else to fill these gaps for you is the moment the relationship turns toxic.

It may just be that you're not as compatible as you thought, and that's fine. But I'd really try and explore (possibly through counselling, if you're still having it) why you've immediately taken these feelings and assumed they stem from a problem with the relationship, especially when there aren't any other issues with it.

EllaL Thu 26-Jan-17 15:46:47

Thanks for all your supportive comments everyone.

I am still having counselling as I struggled with such a big life change. I think this is where I am feeling worried, as an individual I do feel fulfilled. I have a full time job that I enjoy a wonderful son and great friends. I feel awful that my dh doesn’t seem to ‘add’ anything to my life.

At times I have panicked as I feel just as trapped in this marriage as I did in my last, but for different reasons.

StewPots Thu 26-Jan-17 15:51:37

Jumping in OP to say your situation is the mirror of mine, except we have a DS together..I felt like this too post marriage, that first year was so so hard, with me constantly wondering if I'd done the right thing, did I love him enough etc etc.
But going into the second year, I feel much more confident and happier about him and the marriage.
I too wondered if I latched on following my abusive relationship, and perhaps maybe I did, but now it's all settled down I realised something.
The drama of my previous relationship - the anger, the upset & the rest of it- doesn't exist anymore, and it had taken me almost 5 years to get used to it. Now I have and I love my husband more than anything. Like yours he treats me pretty well, we have the same sense of humour, and there's no drama...and I love him so much for providing the stability that I really needed. Possibly this is how you feel coming into your second year.
Everyone bangs on about being newly weds and how it's amazing. Actually, in reality, it isn't because you realise you really are with this person for better or worse and the pressure gets to you. But after the first year, I've found that pressure has disappeared, and I am feeling more loving towards my husband, and happier in my marriage.
I don't know if that helps OP :- I'm a newbie too smile

EllaL Thu 26-Jan-17 15:53:04

When my dh proposed I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. It felt so right and I had no doubts. I knew it was quick, but I know my own mind and was sure this was what I wanted.

Since we married we have had an awful time with dh’s family. His mother, who he used to be close to has refused to accept me in the family and has been quite nasty about me and my family. It came to a head a few months ago when she practically told dh that she didn’t want much to do with him now he was married to me.

Dh has been obviously mortified, angry and sad, but has backed me and our relationship all the way and stood up to his mother. I feel like he has lost his family because of me (even though his attitude is that they have shown their true colours) and that makes me feel more pressured to make the marriage work and to be happy.

EllaL Thu 26-Jan-17 15:56:46

Thank you StewPots, that is very helpful to know.

I have felt like I have had to deal with so much baggage from my previous marriage I have had little effort to put into my new one. And it doesn’t end at divorce either. My exh and I have worked very hard to maintain a co-parenting relationship and settle into a dynamic which we are happy with. I have had to create a whole new relationship with him whilst trying to get over the old one.

StewPots Thu 26-Jan-17 16:06:44

OP you need to take the pressure off yourself... the MIL thing is far from ideal, but your husband backed you and that's great.
But just stop and think about you and him, no one and nothing else, and how he makes you actually feel without worrying about outside factors.
It's awful trying to sort out your feelings when you have those of others to take into account, so try and step back from the MIL issue.
At the end of the day, you can't stay with a person out of guilt (not sure if that the right word?) but also I would take some time to really think about the both of you and how you really feel, and not make any rash decisions.
If after doing this, you feel the same, then think about your next steps.

Icancoco Thu 26-Jan-17 16:16:53

Do you find him sexually attractive?

It may just be you but if the above is missing then it can be a very unfulfilling life.

iremembericod Thu 26-Jan-17 16:39:03

On leaving an abusive marriage and going into a new healthy relationship, it took me a while to 'downgrade' the energy levels.

Abusive marriages are high drama, adrenaline filled (for the wrong reason) and so healthy relationships in comparison can feel quite flat.

it may be this?

springydaffs Thu 26-Jan-17 17:33:55

Great posts here.

Trauma can take a while to work its way through. You can feel very flat during that time.

Add to that you haven't been able to draw a line under your past abuser ; you have to keep seeing him and forcing a new relationship with him. That is extremely challenging. Sometimes it is part of the healing to demonise the abuser in a demonstrably b+w way in order to draw a line. You haven't been able to do that, you've had to turn on a sixpence.

Add to that you've had some nastiness from his family - which is very challenging of itself. No wonder you feel flat and numb with all that's going on!

Give yourself time. You've been through, and are going through, a lot xx

Hermonie2016 Thu 26-Jan-17 18:40:33

I also suspect you have reached the 2 year mark where the honeymoon period is over and now it's real life.

I also feel the comments that you made reflect a need in you which your husband or anyone else can't fill.It's not likely to be him, more your feeling of emptiness.

TheNaze73 Thu 26-Jan-17 18:44:32

I think it's you've been on a rather quick journey, to say the least. I think you only get one chance at life, so do what makes you happy

GloriaGaynor Thu 26-Jan-17 19:41:57

I felt empty and lonely and unfulfilled

I think that's part of the human condition. And rather than getting philosophical or introspective to figure out where these feelings stem from, we tend to project it onto relationships.

I don't think another person can quell loneliness or fulfil you - it's something you need to work on in yourself.

I think people can make themselves very unhappy going through multiple relationships searching for fulfilment, some kind of romantic, mystic union and never finding it.

It may be true that you met him on the rebound but doesn't mean this isn't a good relationship for you.

It sounds as others have suggested that you haven't had down time between relationships to know how you feel and who you are outside a relationship.

You may also be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the highs and lows of your previous relationship. Abusive relationship patterns can be very addictive - and it takes a while to get over that. It takes a while to get used to being on an even keel.

noego Fri 27-Jan-17 13:30:52

Only you are responsible for your happiness. Find that happiness within your self and you will be ok.

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