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My marriage maybe over?

(274 Posts)
Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 11:52:54

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

pudding21 Thu 26-Jan-17 11:56:31

Well done smile I will be following your threat for progress. R/e the disney stuff, I know exactly what you mean. The mask will slip again and you will reinforce your decision.

Just wish i was as brave as you (())

Potplant Thu 26-Jan-17 12:04:20

Stay strong, don't get sucked back in. The short bursts of super-husband/Disney Dad kept me in there far too long.

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 12:05:09

Hi pudding

If it helps you can talk about what you're going through. I know I feel strong today but it was a different story a few days ago. I honestly thought my brain would burst from the stress. I can honestly say that my actions in this life have never made another human feel 1% of what my husband thinks is acceptable to put me through. Yet to the outside world he's so sweet it makes me ill.

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 12:07:12

Thanks Potplant. That's what i'm afraid of and why I started this thread. I have to keep sane enough to know that this is not real and I am not crazy.

pudding21 Thu 26-Jan-17 12:42:29

Intricatelysimple: I am talking about it a lot more, on here and I have a couple of people in real life who love me unconditionally and will support me whatever the decision. My best friend (who lives 1000's of miles from me) sent me a message today saying "out of everyone one I know you deserve to be happy". I feel like my mind is constantly in a state of confusion, going from "I am definately LTB" to " I can't hurt him " and "oh he is being nice now, lets try keep this up".

I love him, but hate him equally at the same time. I need to detach.

That said a few days ago I started photocopying everything like a mad man, and now I am searching for rental properties to line up. I have done that before though, and didnt go through with it.

I am also about to go out for lunch with him, because I want to eat and he won't be grumpy if I refuse later.

Keep us posted.

jcne Thu 26-Jan-17 13:58:11

that kind of abrupt total personality change just makes people (bullies, abusers) look like even bigger nutters than they already did tbqh. i recently raised a grievance against my line manager who has been a historical lunatic but stepped it up when i told her about my pregnancy, and as soon as she found out her entire personality transformed overnight. i was not at work for the period but people kept telling me how weird and nice and please and thank you she was being and how no one was buying it! lol. anyway, they sacked her as an outcome so all is well. my point is, classic abusive bully tactics, once they realise someone is fighting back!! stay strong 💪🏼🌷

user1479305498 Thu 26-Jan-17 14:18:20

Pudding-- Im so with you. In the case of my DH who was overtexting/over whatsapping our business assistant all summer (she instigates I know--its in her nature, but he should have had more sense) -- the minute I let it be known that the phone bills and the fact I could see on whatsapp how much he was on it (look at network useage as a tip anyone on settings) it stopped totally-- went from totally OTT to not at all (and Im fairly sure he doesnt have a second phone--) in fact she commented to me that he had stopped responding to stuff. What is it with blokes that they need to actually "feel the fear" before turning into Disney dad almost overnight.

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 14:29:50

Pudding - I totally get it. That horrible brain fog that comes from going from one extreme to another in your mind. You can go from having one foot out the door at the start of the day to feeling like you've punched a puppy by the end of the day. It's bloody exhausting.

Thanks jcne. At least I don't feel completely crazy if I hear someone else knows what i'm talking about with the personality transplant.

I really know what you mean user about them needing to feel the fear. I take some responsibility there. I don't make empty threats to the kids because I know that won't teach them anything. I some ways I've taught my husband how to treat me. I've threatened to leave so many times but haven't. I know he can sense that i'm closer to the door than ever before though hence the change in his demeanor.

CreamTeaTotty Thu 26-Jan-17 14:36:21

I had similar before Christmas when I asked STBXH to move out... He started baking with the kids, washing, fixing things I'd nagged for years about, making me cups of tea and calling me pet names, texting me with xxxxx at the end etc.

It didn't last. He moved swiftly from that to being aggressive and threatening - saying he would sell the house and didn't care how I'd afford something suitable on just half the equity.

He's currently not really speaking to me at all and I'm cracking on with the divorce...

MrsBlennerhassett Thu 26-Jan-17 14:39:16

Stay strong!! flowers

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 14:47:57

Ah CreamTeaTotty that's just what I needed to hear. I know it's not going to last. It still manages to discommode me. It's like suddenly the roles have been reversed and i'm the bad guy. I'm less angry today but still resolute. I often find that once the anger subsides I tend to let things go and we settle back into our usual roles until the next episode. Unfortunately the cycle between nice to nasty is getting shorter and shorter. And every time we hit nasty again i'm mad as hell with myself for not breaking free the last time.

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 15:08:44

Oh yeah the rage isn't too far from the surface either. I decided the other night that i'd take myself off to an exercise class that i've wanted to do for ages but never actually did do purely because I just couldn't suffer the pouty sulkiness that I'd be subjected to. So I made dinner got ready and when he saw me head out the door I was asked "what the fuck is actually wrong with you". "Nothing" I said and on I continued as I knew he didn't actually want to discuss what was wrong he was just trying to stop me from going. He proceeded to follow me out, practically tear off the passenger side door to give a mouthful of abuse - you know the usual - "don't think you'll ever get me out of the house/accusing me of being an alcoholic (I have had a few drinks this week I admit - but no i'm no alcoholic)/etc" and then slam the door so hard i'm surprised it can even open again. I went anyway. I suppose he thought i'd cave. When I got home my littlest one said to me "ooh we saw you at the gym mummy. We saw you in the window". So he drove around with our child until he found which gym I was in and sat outside looking up at the upstairs window to see fuck knows what. See I know it doesn't take much to make him crack. The next evening I was asked in his loveliest indoor voice if I would be ok with sea bass for dinner. This Jeckyll and Hyde stuff is a complete mindfuck isn't it?

pudding21 Thu 26-Jan-17 15:20:16

Intricatelysimple- OMG he is stalking you? I am afraid that will happen to me too. Be careful, and be safe. Its pure control.......

Once I couldn't hold in my tears he had been so mean to me (usually I hide it from the kids if possible), my boys are very loving and caring and the eldest saw I was crying. he came to comfort me and OH said "see, always twisting it to make me look the bad guy".

At the time I thought I was out of order, now I think "you asshole, if you hadn't been so mean I wouldn't have cried in the first place".

The Jekyll and Hyde stuff is what causes the eggshells, and its horrible. I am constantly thinking " I should/ shouldn't do this" because of the reaction I may or may not get. Its not consistent either. So its total mind games.

Sending you positive vibes to stay strong, don't let him break you. You never know, following this thread might make me do something about it ;)

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 15:53:06

Ah Pudding I feel your pain. They really hate anyone to think they're less than perfect don't they? I just don't get how they can justify the horribleness. How can someone have so little empathy? That's what makes me saddest to be honest - the lack of kindness and empathy. And even though they feel oh so in control they can lose the control in a flash and show you their real selves.

Yes I do worry about the stalking - cos that is what it is. I worry it'll escalate when we separate. I know in his mind he owns me so I don't see him letting go easily.

Potplant Thu 26-Jan-17 16:28:11

He followed you to the gym? Wow, that's a whole different level of weird. Be careful.

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 16:36:54

Hi Potplant. Yes he followed me. He didn't even know which gym so he must have gone around the town we live until he found my car. Thanks for your comment. I need to hear more like this otherwise I end up minimising his actions and without real life people to talk to who would naturally recoil in horror if I told them the above then I need more comments like yours to make sure I don't go backwards.

thepennyshop Thu 26-Jan-17 16:51:51

Oh dear, your stories sound so familiar to me. Especially the one about you going the the exercise class Op. an almost identical thing happened with me one evening too. I did everything right that night, got kids fed, kitchen tidied up, then had the guts to stroll out of the front door when it was time for the class. He went absolutely loopy. We only had one car, I raced into it and locked the door just before he could wrench it open. Then I started the engine he had nothing left to do but run down the street in his slippers, knowing that I wouldn't be able to drive away from the house leaving the young dc unattended. So I basically had to get out of the car and go back inside and wait for him to return. Then once he knew it was too late for the class he kept saying in this nice concerned kind voice, 'do you want to go to yoga?' 'I can drive you if you like?'. Suuuch a psycho.
Anyway I did finally leave him by getting a solicitor, and also doing the freedom course. I'm so glad the freedom course lasts 12 weeks, as I really needed that weekly group to keep me on track. Otherwise I would have been minimising all his behaviour. Good luck with it all!!!

pudding21 Thu 26-Jan-17 16:52:16

He thinks your seeing someone, because he can't compute the fact that his behaviour has led you to this.

My OH said to me a few months ago- there must be someTHING cant just be I treat you like shit.

Hunbunscarybitch Thu 26-Jan-17 16:55:42

I get you OP. We have no children together but since my discovery of condoms in his suitcase recently my H has turned from distant, disinterested H into Disney H. He talks to me in the sweetest tones, asks where I'd like to go on holiday (after no joint holidays in 10 years as H too stressed and overworked). If it wasn't so sad it would be almost comical.
I don't like the way he's following you . He has no right to stalk you.

Potplant Thu 26-Jan-17 16:57:31

My ex was v controlling but not like that.
I hardly ever went anywhere because he would make it so difficult and be completely awkward about it. If he hadn't managed to stop me going by 'working late' or having to 'help his dad', once I'd gone he'd text me a million times with messages about the DCs. Or he'd get them to phone me to ask me when I'm coming home. He once text me to say he couldn't find his bank card so he would have to send the DCs to bed without tea. Or ask me where the thermometer is because he thought one of them has a temperature. Then there was the big sulk after.

I know what you mean about normalising stuff. It's only when I started to get more involved with school and hang around with involved dads that I realised that nice dads take their DCs to the park for fun, do homework to help their DCs, take an interest in school because it's important not just turn up with an Xbox game every once in a while.

Intricatelysimple Thu 26-Jan-17 17:00:43

Yes he's totally obsessed with the idea of me sleeping with someone else. It's completely deranged because unless I grabbed some randomer on the way into Tesco's and screwed him in the car park it just couldn't happen. It's impossible to reason with crazy. I've noticed lately that when we're together I make a concerted effort to not make eye contact with any men e.g.the barista in the coffee shop/someone working in the supermarket. Because that kind of behaviour gets noticed and flung back at me "oh you were very pally with X", or my personal favourite "it's not you I don't trust it's all the men!"

Glad to hear you got out the pennyshop. It gives me hope that I can too.

Esoteric Thu 26-Jan-17 20:54:32

I think they become a bit more frantic when they just sense you are 'disengaging' and it often becomes an overdose of niceness mixed with the frantic odd jibe, they sense that you no longer see them in the same way and realise they have screwed up big time

Potplant Thu 26-Jan-17 21:27:49

You wouldn't believe the amount of parties he'd stormed out of because I'd been 'flirting' with someone or other. You'd think I was Elle Macpherson from the amount of fellas i apparently have throwing themselves at me.
and he had a massive kick off once about a text exchange between me and colleague. Colleague sent me instructions on how to log in to network from home. It was all sexy talk about IP addresses and VPN details. Apparently he was flirting with me and I was encouraging him.

I'm a bit of fraud in that I didn't leave, he left and for once I didn't beg him to come back.

Mommasoph30 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:34:39

Well done, sounds like life will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much betetr without him in in!

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