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I know I should go but I can't.

(3 Posts)
Cottonheadedninnnymuggins Thu 26-Jan-17 11:22:08

I have been with my husband for 26 years, we met when we were students. I left my degree course after two years to go and live with him. His parents were never supportive of him so I worked to get him through his degree, then I worked to get him through his second degree and his professional qualifications, I had my own business by this point and bought us a house. When I fell pregnant I carried on working to support him through his first year in professional practise, I fell pregnant again very quickly after DS1 and after my second son was born I became a sahm.

Fast forward a few years and we have three children, I work from home to supplement our income. When the DCs are 7,6 and 2, I open the front door to an irate man who proceeds to tell my DH has been having an affair with his DW for 5 months. I am destroyed, confidence, self worth, everything gone. But I agree to try again, if only for the sake of the children. Around this time, DH is offered a partnership, but it's going to cost a lot of money. I look at the figures and it's going to be a stretch, stupidly I agree to him mortgaging us up to the hilt and buying in.

The business does not give great returns, but we can pay the mortgage and with my money live an ok life. Four years ago business nosedives and he takes a substantial pay cut. This was only meant to last 3 months. So months he has been paid late, or they have decided not to pay themselves at all. I have kept us going, tried to keep on top of all the bills, dealt with numerous debt collection agencies, he does nothing. I do all the housework, do everything with kids, he has very little input.

18 months ago my Dad died from cancer, I sat with him has last few days, held his hand, made sure he was comfortable, he was in pain and his lymph nodes became necrotic, the smell will live with me forever. I wanted to be with him when he died, but chose the moment I popped home to die alone and I will feel guilty for that always. Since he died I have suffered from terrible anxiety and struggled to work for a while which did not help our situation.

My libido has all but disappeared and since November my husband has been a nightmare, he refuses to leave the partnership, it is my responsibility to get a job to help our situation, I have been freelance content writing since July, which is good when I have work, but the work is erratic. He has started getting nasty particularly when he has a drink, I am a fucking Bitch, who deserves to be criticised more, I am frigid, how can a man like him not get enough sex from his own wife and on and on. He snores and when I nudged him one night after Christmas I woke him up and was subjected to a torrent of abuse. Now I lie awake at night scared to say anything if he snores. I've tried to explain about my anxiety but he sneers at me and tells me to pull myself together, he shouts at me and is incredulous if I cry. My 11 year old son took me to one side recently and apologised for how his father speaks to me. I know I should go, but I can't. Eldest DS has 'A' levels coming up and middle DS has his GCSE's and I can't put them through a break up. I have no money and nowhere to go. The mortgage is horrendous, so he could not pay the mortgage and pay rent for himself. If I could get more work my plan is to start squirrelling money away so I can leave once the children have done their exams. I feel useless and hopeless and I feel like I have no purpose. I'm sorry this is so long, it's actually quite cathartic to write it down. Thank you for listening.

pudding21 Thu 26-Jan-17 11:51:31

OP: he sounds like a horrible abusive man who has you just where he wants you. I am also in a passive aggressive emotionally abusive relationship (without the cheating) which I am struggling to get my head around is abusive and leave. I am not really in a position to give advice, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Try talking to someone in real life and thinking about ways in which you can support yourself and get yourself out of there, for you and the sake of your kids. Take a look at this thread too www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2828828-Why-some-people-cant-walk-away-from-unhealthy-Relationships

WorriedWifey Thu 26-Jan-17 11:52:58

I am so sorry you are going through this, it sound absolutely horrendous flowers

I have no real advice as I haven't been in your situation, but have you thought about contacting Women's Aid? I have seen other posters recommend them and they may be able to give you some advice as to how you can get away from this abusive relationship.

I think having a plan in place that will enable you to get away as soon as is practicable is a good start though

Good luck and I really hope you find a solution

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