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I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

(400 Posts)
HaraKiri Thu 26-Jan-17 09:18:34

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

RentATent Thu 26-Jan-17 09:28:00

How do you know the baby's OMs and not your DHs if you and DH were having sex all month?

Fueledwithfairydustandgin Thu 26-Jan-17 09:30:30

She doesn't. she just doesn't want to risk it

TheHiphopopotamus Thu 26-Jan-17 09:30:46

Are you absolutely certain that you and OM had sex, if you can't remember anything?

RentATent Thu 26-Jan-17 09:33:45

I don't think you do need to lie and say you have a miscarriage. You could sit your DH down and tell him it doesn't feel right, that you thought you were ready for this baby but you're not and you're going to have a termination. At least you could get some support from your DH when you go through that even if you don't tell him the "real" reason for a termination.

Fueledwithfairydustandgin Thu 26-Jan-17 09:33:58

I think the lie is horrific and unforgivable but you are in so deep now I'm not sure there is any other option? I mean obviously you could come clean but that would probably destroy your family. I think if I was you I would do what you are doing. Make sure you ring people if you need to talk. flowers

HaraKiri Thu 26-Jan-17 09:36:38

The chance it could be OMs must be so small, but it's not a risk I could take.

Yes I know we definitely had sex, I asked him if we had and if we had used protection and he said "no, you said you were on the pill". I wasn't, so if I said that to him, I have no idea why.

ageingrunner Thu 26-Jan-17 09:36:58

It sounds like what happened with the other man could have been rape sad if you were too drunk to consent and can't remember what happened. Are you sure it did definitely happen? flowers

CityMole Thu 26-Jan-17 09:44:08

OMG, you have been raped. You are a victim. You poor, poor thing. There is no way you could have consented in that state. You need to tell your husband and go to the police.

HaraKiri Thu 26-Jan-17 09:46:48

I can't. I know full well I would have been in no state to consent at that time, but I also know I was drinking ridiculous amounts, that I was flirting and dancing early in the night. I genuinely think OM believes I wanted it. It would look like a married woman had drunken sex and regretted it.

Emboo19 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:48:31

I have to say I agree with ageingrunner it doesn't sound like you consented at all. So drunk it took two grown men to get you up stairs, that signifies to me that you were pretty much incapacitated.
I'm sorry I don't know what to advice regarding the termination/miscarriage. Whatever you decide make you sure you seek support/counselling for yourself.

CityMole Thu 26-Jan-17 09:49:54

You could be drinking neat ethanol all night with no clothes on, it doesn't make it ANY LESS RAPE.

octoberfarm Thu 26-Jan-17 09:51:53

You poor, poor thing flowers If you had to be carried into the house and have no recollection of the event even happening, there is no conceivable way that you could have given consent to the degree necessary for it to be okay for that man to sleep with you.

If I were you, and I know it seems impossible, I would sit my husband down and tell him everything. To me, and I don't know this OM, obviously, it sounds like rape. You simply don't have sex with someone who can't even walk, and if he remembers the event in such detail as to know what was said, he was likely less drunk than you. Tell your husband that you were terrified and you panicked, tell him you were so drunk you couldn't walk and you don't even know what happened, and take it from there. He knows you, he'll know it's out of character, and in his position although I'd be disappointed about the lying since, I'd understand it came from a place of fear and would be fuming with the OM for taking advantage of you. The other option just involves so many lies and if he did find out down the line, you'd be in an even worse position than you are now, with no going back. Whatever you decide, good luck OP.

Happybunny19 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:52:01

I can't believe how many pp on here think it's acceptable to lie to your husband about this. If this were the other way round it would be a certain LTB. I think you have to come clean and allow your husband the chance to make the decision on whether to abort, there is a small chance it could be his baby. Would you accept him having a one night stand, drunk or not, conceiving a child and arranging a termination all behind your back? I of course understand why you don't want to confess but can you honestly continue with a lie followed by his grief at thinking he's lost another baby?

iwasagirlinavillage Thu 26-Jan-17 09:53:06

Have you yet booked the termination? I believe that you will be offered some kind of counselling before you go through with it, it could be worth getting the ball rolling so you can speak to someone. I think speaking to someone about this out loud would help. Maybe you could open up to your GP and request an appointment with a counsellor at the clinic so you can talk this through before you actually book the termination.

In the scheme of things it was one mistake, which it sounds like you couldn't even consent to. You don't deserve to have that ruin your family or eat away at you the way it is doing. Please try to speak to someone IRL about this. Do you have a close friend you can confide in?

CityMole Thu 26-Jan-17 09:53:43

Happybunny, enough with the sanctimony- it wasn't a drunken one night stand. She was raped.

HandbagCrazy Thu 26-Jan-17 09:59:49

Firstly OP, I don't think you cheated on your husband. You were raped. It doesn't matter if you had drunk a lot, danced, flirted - at the end of the day, OM saw that you needed help walking but went ahead anyway. If you can't control your body enough to get inside a house, you can't consent to sex.

With the situation you're in now, I can see why you've made the plan you have. I can't see another way of doing this which doesn't send your life into a tailspin.

What I would suggest though, is contacting Samaritans or rape crisis to talk to someone completely impartial - use them to vent, because no matter what happens now, you're going to go through something painful and will need support 💐

Verbena37 Thu 26-Jan-17 10:03:00

I'd say exactly what Octoberfarm said.
It does sound like you were raped. If you can't remember anything, then how could you have given your consent? I'm so sorry this has happened to you but I think if you sit down with your DH and explain how drunk you were and what happened with OM, there is a good chance your DH will support you.

The chance of it staying a secret forever is slim I'd imagine.
What if, you kept the pregnancy and the OM worked out timings etc and then told people it could be his....your marriage would not be in a good place then.

If you decide to go ahead with the termination, please do try to get some sort of counselling. What you tell the counsellor will be in total confidence.

Happybunny19 Thu 26-Jan-17 10:03:26

That may well be the case, however it does not justify the massive lie to her husband. If op believes she didn't consent then it needs to be reported and she needs the support of her family, that can only be achieved if she's honest with her husband.

PaterPower Thu 26-Jan-17 10:03:53

As a man, I can't begin to put myself in your shoes around the termination and I don't feel I could comment on that even if I wanted to.

However, in terms of what you tell your partner... if you lie about this, are you absolutely sure that's not going to end up destroying your family just as much as telling the truth will? You're going to have this eating away at you for the rest of your life with him. You'll also know that you've lied to your family. It doesn't sound like you're someone who could keep that up indefinitely.

If you do "crack" later, he and your wider family are going to find this so much harder to process and accept than if you're honest now. IMO, your best option (of a really horrible set of choices) is to tell your OH what has happened.

Verbena37 Thu 26-Jan-17 10:05:15

If the OM had been in any way chivalrous, he would have had the taxi driver take you home to your house....not his house!

iremembericod Thu 26-Jan-17 10:06:25

Option 1: You run with your plan in your op.

The emotional impact of this is going to be enormous for years to come. Even when the high emotions of the present moment have calmed down, you will have regret, moments of wanting to come clean and knowledge that your marriage is not what your dh thinks it is. if you come clean later when the guilt is too much, it may unrecoverable because of all the lies for all that time.

Option 2: You come clean now

Yes, you have lied so far, but this is what it is and it does mean you not having to suppress emotions and create distance with your DH for ever more. This option will be least stressful in the long run but massively stressful right now. It is the right thing to do imo, but I understand the desire to hide it.

Both options have high emotional baggage but one will resolve over time, one may well get worse over time.

FacelikeaBagofHammers Thu 26-Jan-17 10:09:03

What a terrible situation.

I know in your position I'd be trying to talk myself into the idea that the baby is my DHs. It's very very unlikely that it belongs to this OM. I don't think i could terminate based on that small chance.

I think coming clean is probably the best way to proceed, and I agree with the sentiment that you were raped ultimately.

TimidLividyetagain Thu 26-Jan-17 10:10:04

But if you cannot terminate you could wait. And it might well be your husband's baby. And then all ok. If not then deal with it then. It's very easy to say won't take the risk but what if it's too hard. Or tell your husband . the truth. If he knows who you are he may realise what a mistake happened and how you don't even know what happened.he might decide to stay together anyway . How many weeks pregnant would you be . Regardless of who the father is you have to make a decision you can live with. I would wait and see. But yes it must be terrible. It would still be better to be honest now and then you don't have to keep it a secret. Your husband might feel it's too much to lose to end it over a risk and a mistake.

LeftoverCrabsticks Thu 26-Jan-17 10:12:28

I'm so sorry to hear what happened, I agree it seems it was without your consent.

I don't know the details, but I believe you can get a paternity test (at no risk to the baby) privately via some clinics as early as 10-12 weeks. It's the same technology as the new Down Syndrome test and brings no risk to the baby as it's just a blood test (yours)

This would mean presumably you'd need DNA from your DH - I have no idea whether he would need to know or not as I don't know what you'd need.

Now I could be completely wrong about this (or you may still need an amnio) but it's worth looking into just in case?

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