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Will I ever get over this or will it last for ever until the day I die?

(91 Posts)
Britannialia Thu 26-Jan-17 00:51:54

I have what I understand is a bad case of limerence (to be kind) or obsession (if less kind). Summary is I have felt that I am overwhelmingly in love with a man for many years, I won't say how many, but lets say 5+ years.

I think it started as a result of some trauma bonding. We were dating and he was really vile and orally abusive to me totally out of the blue and very shocking. After that I think I became obsessed with over coming this nasty and cruel rejection and wanting to prove to him I was worthy of his loved (crazy I know). He remained v. on/off using me for sex etc taking advantage of my love/limerence/how much I liked him.

I have tried everything to get over this - no contact, lots of contact, therapy of various kinds; hypnosis; dating others like a tabloid wannabe;, focusing on my own life, and everything in between.

I still feel this all embracing passion for a man I know to be a nasty piece of work.

He triggers something very deep (and unhealthy) in me and I feel he is my soul mate - especially (But not just) my sexual soul mate. This is entirely one sided.

Do I need to resign myself to the fact that it's how I feel and it won't go away ever?
Can this kind of "love" (limerence really I get it's not proper love) last forever? Am I doomed?

Bumdiedum Thu 26-Jan-17 01:06:00

OK, you know in your head a relationship with him is a) unlikely and b) would be awful. But the thought of it is interesting, and its hard to stop thinking about stuff you find interesting. You got to try though! You do sound like you've tried, but despite it not working yet, you can do this. You say you've tried no contact, and that is step one. Have you given anything else up successfully, smoking, or dieting say?Or even (hopefully this won't be relevant) getting past a bereavement? What worked for you then? Could you treat him in the same way?

venusinscorpio Thu 26-Jan-17 01:24:46

Just want to say I've been in that exact same position that you describe. It's not worth it, and it took 16 years for me to see that. Don't waste your life. I know that is easier said than done flowers

NC1nightstand Thu 26-Jan-17 01:27:36

You absolutely can get over this just like any bad habit. But the reasons you feel this way probably deserve further exploration. Either you will delve into it (with the help of a professional ) and unravel your feelings and put an end to it or you will find a much safer (for your self esteem) way to enjoy being in a submissive situation.
You say you've tried all sorts of therapy and focusing on your own life but still have this infatuation but the truth is that it serving a purpose for you, there is a big pay off. Maybe by focusing on this man you have no room for a real relationship with genuine intimacy and that might seem easier to you?
Only you can answer these questions.

Puddington Thu 26-Jan-17 02:13:14

I have some experience with this too, the man in question in my case wasn't totally vile (our arguments were 50/50 really and I don't think he ever set out to be intentionally horrible) but I knew from quite early on that it wouldn't work long-term, we didn't have a very healthy relationship blah blah... but something about that toxicity seemed to draw us to each other for a while and I kept going back to him time after time and feeling devastated when we were apart, thinking I might be able to "prove" to him I was what he needed deep down. Sounds insane saying it now but ah, at the time...

I wish I had something helpful to say to you because it's an awful way to feel, but I think in the end the only thing that helped me was time and distance -- I actually ended up moving to another country by coincidence a while after the final final breakup and not having to worry about ever accidentally bumping into him on the street helped a lot in the end. Out of sight out of mind I suppose (although I don't mean to imply that it was an instant, quick fix; I still thought and wondered about him for quite a while and it was a struggle at times). Some time later I met my lovely nice normal DP (who also actually turned out to be better in bed which helped!) and I think being in a healthy functional relationship helped a lot with the final healing/allowing me to see that it could really never have worked between me and my ex.

I'm sorry you're struggling flowers I can only advise you to keep strong on the "no contact" bit at least. You don't deserve to feel like this and you can beat it.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 26-Jan-17 03:00:36

You are NOT in love with him. You are in love with the fantasy that you can change him and he will magically become the "man of your dreams." He won't and you know it. It's time to take the blinders off and move on with your life. He's a cunt.

NeedaFanjob Thu 26-Jan-17 03:41:04

Think of him as dead. Move on .... being abused is a total waste of time.

tabithasgran Thu 26-Jan-17 05:34:40

Ok so your heart says you love him but your mind says it will be a disaster. So you either spend the rest of your life wondering. Or you set aside six months of your life to spend with him and then see how you feel after that? It will either prove unanimously he's not right for you or will be the best six months of your life.
Life is short, grab it by the balls and live it. Don't fanny about wondering.

pollyglot Thu 26-Jan-17 06:38:52

Read Somerset Maugham's "Of Human Bondage".

Britannialia Thu 26-Jan-17 10:56:07


Just want to say I've been in that exact same position that you describe. It's not worth it, and it took 16 years for me to see that. Don't waste your life. I know that is easier said than done

This is my deepest fear. I know it's not worth it already. I've tried to get out of it but without success.

Britannialia Thu 26-Jan-17 11:02:03

NC1nightstand that was my conclusion that I am terrified (ironically) of true rejection so I have trauma bonded to him to avoid the risk of real intimacy. I know this. I've had all kinds of therapy including eye movement desensitations stuff as well as hypnosis. I can't get passed it.

I still want this man. It's really tragic but I still scheme in my head about ways I could make myself more interesting or attractive to him. I am NC with him for what it is worth.

Puddington moving isn't an option for me due to work and wider family obligations - but I get that - I have a small risk of bumping into him which happens from time to time. It maybe this doesn't help.

Tabitha - maybe I wasn't clear but spending 6 months with him isn't an option. He doesn't want me as a long term gf. I was only ever good for a convenient evening out and sex when it suited him.

Britannialia Thu 26-Jan-17 11:10:24

I really despair of ever being free from him. I know I'm much happier and calmer about it when I haven't seen him but what tends to happen is I go for so long and then I will randomly (genuinely and I don't mean accidentally on purpose) bump into him.

I try to stay away from places he is likely to be but we have vaguely tangential work commitments that very occassionally overlap socially - very occassionnally - so maybe once or twice a year if that. It's hard to explain without being outing but it isn't at places that I would expect to see him typically. So like say by comparison client parties -some of them I know he works for an would avoid - but he's turned up at ones I didn't know he worked for. I can't avoid all these "events" as otherwise I'd damage my career.

So what tends to happen is I bump into him, he makes a bee line for me, is super-charming, asks me out and then I'm back into it. AND even if I resist him and don't go on a date, the mere fact of seeing him plunges me right back into super-charged obsessive limerance mode.

I am at my best when I have no contact but it's the difference between him being constantly at the back of my mind and still pining for him/feeling I love him in a calmer way (no contact) OR thinking of him massively intrusively virtually 100% of the time and panicking that he will never want me (if I have seen him recently).

I know this all sounds insane - which it obviously is- because he is not worth it and is not a nice man. But I can't see a way out.

And it sounds like this potentially maybe how I feel until the day I die. It's really shitty.

venusinscorpio Thu 26-Jan-17 17:34:35

I really do understand. I was in a situation where I would be feeling down after something and he would come breezing in and I would think that I could handle him but he got back under my skin every single time. I finally ended it (after 16 years of on/off) by getting my head around the fact that no matter what I did the brutal truth was that he didn't care enough, and then I knew I had to stop him being able to breeze back into my life in a casual way and draw me back in for whatever he felt he got out of it (sex and an ego boost I imagine) so I told him how I felt, and how I had always felt. It was quite humiliating but I knew it would work, and it did, because he couldn't pretend it was casual any more. I called his bluff. And I told him I didn't want to be in contact any more because there was nothing more to be said. He wanted fun, I wanted more. No hope. It might work for you if you are really serious about breaking the cycle.

venusinscorpio Thu 26-Jan-17 17:36:21

You have to really deep down want to end it.

sonjadog Thu 26-Jan-17 17:51:54

I suggest that you just accept it. You will love this man forever but you aren´t going to be with him. That´s just the way it is. Accept it, and then decide you are going to focus on other areas of your life. Romantic relationships are not the be all and end all in life and there is lots and lots of other fulfilling stuff you can do.

The trouble is that in trying to get over him and resisting the feelings, you are still pouring emotional energy into this scenario. So stop the emotional investment, accept it for what it is, and then go do other stuff. Next time you see him, feel the feelings you have, be sad, then go do something else. Remember that feelings are just feelings. If you wait long enough, another one will be along. Don´t give your feelings a power over you that they don´t deserve.

springydaffs Thu 26-Jan-17 18:05:54

I don't have much to say just that I've had this. In the end I wanted to (trigger alert) cut him out of my stomach. Sorry that's strong but it indicates the utter desperation to get him OUT OF me.

In my case I had a history (childhood) of serious emotional neglect and abuse. Years of therapy later and, brace yourself, prayer through a prayer ministry, finally broke the bond.

I still have a tendency towards limerence but I see it coming at 50 paces and I'm outta there the second it nibbles ; weather the week or two of obsession that inevitably follows (almost like flu) and then it passes. Glory be! Wild horses wouldn't temp me anywhere near that shit now. I've recently had a bout but went a good decade+ without it darkening my horizon.

wormtamer Thu 26-Jan-17 18:05:54

I'm going through the same and am finding the advice on here very helpful. I've know the man involved for 15 years. Similar soulmate/sexual soulmate/unreciprocated feelings. It is like an addiction. Thought moving away would help, now he has moved too and lives in the next town. It feels almost like a dominant/submissive relationship. Part of me enjoys being at his beck and call. He tells me what to do. And this is the only relationship that has EVER made me feel this way - I'm would usually NEVER allow that. Of course, non contact is the only answer. Currently, I'm able to not initiate contact. My next step is to not respond when he contacts me. Contact from him is always a demand, which I feel I must obey. We are only going to be doomed if we LET this happen. A couple of things that have helped me
- to say 'fuck off' in my thoughts as soon as I start thinking about him
- to give myself a reward for every week of non-contact

springydaffs Thu 26-Jan-17 18:07:02

Don't have much to say - arf

springydaffs Thu 26-Jan-17 18:13:54

Doubt know if this would be any help?

I can vouch for 12-step anything. Bloody AMAZING programme - tho haven't tried this one.

Found it when I googled 'love addict'

venusinscorpio Thu 26-Jan-17 18:43:44

Wormtamer, that was my problem, I could not initiate contact but couldn't stop myself responding. Which is why i knew the key was to stop him contacting me. Telling him how much I was obsessed with him really helped on two levels- it made him unable to treat contact with me as something fun, a diversion. And also I got my answer. You know deep down but there's a tiny little bit of hope remaining that maybe one day he will want more with you. And it's good to snuff that out completely and let yourself grieve for what never was or ever would be and move on. It's not something you can really talk to others about, because you sound crazy to anyone else. So "grief" is melodramatic but symbolically it works to think of it like that.

wormtamer Thu 26-Jan-17 19:08:30

Thanks so much venusinscorpio. That does make sense. If I open up it WILL be over. I want it to be over. And I know this sounds mind-blowingly weak - but I almost feel like I need to ask his permission to leave our relationship. I'm sure he will agree and I think he will then stop contacting me. I also like sonjadog's post about acceptance. Would this work for you op? To tell him, if you see him again? That you feel obsessed, it's hurting you and to ask him please to stay away?

georgethecat Thu 26-Jan-17 19:38:01

You just need to build your self esteem and focus on that rather than tackling it from the forgetting him point of view.
If you cared more for yourself, you wouldn't care about him

venusinscorpio Thu 26-Jan-17 19:49:08

It's very true George but I think it's easier said than done. When you don't value yourself you don't think you're worth it, you just crave whatever scraps you get, however shitty it feels.

Wormtamer, it could only happen when I knew I wanted it to end, when the penny finally dropped that he didn't care enough and never would. You sound like you're pretty much there. And I think you're right. He will stop contacting you because to carry on doing so he will have to engage with your feelings when he speaks to you and he probably won't want to do that if he's in it for fun or enjoying manipulating you.

wormtamer Thu 26-Jan-17 20:09:54

Hmm, I don't think I have poor self esteem. I feel I've developed a bond with someone that is beyond my comprehension. In some ways I feel blessed to have experienced the sex/feelings I've had. Acceptance, honesty and moving on. Thanks people. Next contact I am going to explain exactly how I feel and ask it to stop. xxxx

wormtamer Thu 26-Jan-17 20:12:59

Sorry - feel like I've hijacked the post. Hope some of this helps op xxxx

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