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Give up(it's a long read!)?

(7 Posts)
SheShellsSeaSells Wed 25-Jan-17 17:46:45

So, we've been together almost 7 years. 2 kids later and I feel like we've hit a wall... we aren't married or engaged. That's the obvious next step for me. We've had our ups and many downs, haven't we all!
He isn't romantic. Never has been. Birthdays, Christmas and valentines go by very unceremoniously, with very little outside-the-box(or even inside the box!) thought. I get some garage-bought flowers if I'm bold enough to say something. I dont want expensive lavish gifts, but a romantic(dirty) night away with an excuse to get dressed up, in a half decent hotel that he found on Groupon, would be ok-just once a year! I know he used to do nice stuff for exes, and he didn't have kids with them. I just feel like 'mum'. Under appreciated and not the least bit special.
I've recently struggled with anxiety and depression after losing my dad and I've gone off sex completely. but I think that could also be down to it being a tad one-sided. I always put so much thought and effort into gifts I get for him. I'm dreading Valentine's Day as I always feel a bit crap. That's our anniversary too! I've given up suggesting stuff or hinting, because it falls on deaf ears. We love eachother so much, but we just aren't a couple, just mum and dad!
I know I sound like a bratty crank. Just felt like a rant

oldbirdy Wed 25-Jan-17 20:01:03

How about proposing on Valentine's day?

The presents thing is tricky. I think it's hard to get right. My dh always buys expensive but not very imaginative gifts. I got a 200 quid bottle of champagne for my last birthday. Whereas I like thoughtful gifts and the price doesn't matter. My favourite Christmas present was a home made sewing kit in a box from my MIL because she had really thought about what I needed and made an effort to put all the bits together. I doubt it cost more than 10 pounds but that's not the point. I guess what I'm saying is, if you do want to marry him, be warned he won't suddenly get brilliant at gifts. So it's whether that is a deal breaker I suppose.

Happybunny19 Wed 25-Jan-17 21:21:47

Can you show him exactly what you've just written?

AnyFucker Wed 25-Jan-17 21:25:19

Do you seriously think cornering him into marrying you will magically turn him into the person you want him to be ?

That is a prime example of hope over reality

This relationship sounds dead in the water. Taking it further would be a huge mistake.

thestamp Wed 25-Jan-17 21:47:57

I think you've got to accept that people are what they are.

Think about it, is it really special if you've got to talk him into making you feel special? It should come naturally... it's not meant to be that much of a struggle to make your OH feel special. Really its not!

If you want to marry him, I suppose that's down to you, but you are going to need to accept him as he is (whether you marry him or not, frankly), or you'll make yourself sick with misery.

There is an alternative which is to end this relationship and find someone with whom you fit a bit more naturally and comfortably, but I expect you don't want to think about that right now.

mylifeisamystery Wed 25-Jan-17 21:51:15

He will never change just don't expect him to.

pallasathena Wed 25-Jan-17 22:16:19

I'd move on if it was me and cut my losses.
You can spend a lifetime hoping and wishing things were better but they never are and for those who go down that road it can end up as a life lived and utterly wasted.
You deserve happiness, love, affection, respect, decency and a calm, peaceful, prosperous life as do your children. Pretending that you're going to achieve that with the bloke currently in your life is cognitive dissonance in the extreme.
Its very common and peculiarly particular to British womanhood from what I've observed as an advocate for women from overseas ethnic backgrounds.

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