Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Heartbroken, stuck. I don't know!

(30 Posts)
Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 15:59:47

Please bear with me, I'm new, but have no real life friends to talk too about this.
My ex is a lower league football player. We'd known each other for a few years before deciding to make a proper go of it. It lasted about 6 months & we were both mad for each other. Everything fitted well. One day a "fan" of his on social media clocked onto the fact we were dating & decided to cause issues between us. By issues I mean message him & ask for an autograph, then push him about his love life. As my ex didn't mention me she then moved onto me and sent me a barrage of abuse saying he was denying me and that he didn't care etc. Anyway, long story short. He ended it. Citing the fact we can't be together all the time with his job. I was heartbroken, even though the relationship was short Id actually fallen hard. We stayed in contact on & off and I met up with him when I could. In October time, he ended it again saying that it wasn't fair on either of us, as my feelings came back pretty hard. I knew he cared, but I'd fallen again.
Over Christmas he got back in touch and I agreed to go to see him a few weeks back as I'd a few days off work. (After being told id taken my son to one of my ex's games and hadn't seen him. He told me he was 'hurt' by that fact I'd been and not stayed to see him.)
The beginning of January we had 5 days together, and honestly it was great. One of the nights we got horrendously drunk & he told me he still loves me etc etc.
The day after when I left him he asked to see me again when he was playing a team close to me (which is this weekend coming) I agreed and left on a high. A few days later he messaged and said he didn't think it was a good idea to see each other again. Obviously I was confused, hurt, upset. It turns out this girl found him on a dating site he was active on and told him a load of lies about what he'd said to me in a bar when he was drunk. He obviously backed off me, but admitted that everytime he sees me he gets a load of shit off her and he doesn't want that he wants a normal relationship. Which i understand, but unfair on me!
Anyway, last night after not hearing from him for 2 days I decided to bite the bullet and ask what's going off as I'd made childcare plans for this weekend to see him. Even though he hasn't been in touch with me, he'd told someone he was seeing me again at the weekend.
We got into a massive message conversation and he said at first that (& I quote)
"The reality is I don't think we should be together or try even though we had a good week. I'd always have a good time with you but my heart Says no. despite what I said when I was drunk. It was all rubbish."

So I thanked him for his honesty, yes, it hurt, but I was glad to know. Then he started saying all about the girl that got involved and how she is "just crazy not normal and I hate it". So I said i hate it too as what she'd said about me destroyed my self esteem and my want to date again. He then said "This situation has nothing to do with you yet it happened because of who I am. I don't want you to be hurt about any of it!"

Basically it was left last night with him saying "We can be friends but that's it. I can't deal with that shit and move on as much as I want to try."

This morning after no sleep last night I decided to message him a whole massive paragraph about if it's just to do with her then that can be sorted, but if it's to do with anything else then I'm walking away now because I deserve better than that. He read it 6 hours ago, and obviously no reply. I'm now stuck. I know he doesn't want me because of this girl, but I'm willing to fight for it where he seems like he slightly might be, or is it just an excuse?
Thanks for reading.

Adora10 Wed 25-Jan-17 16:05:30

Time to give up and move on OP, he's hurt you over and over again and you keep giving him chance after chance, as he says, he's not interested in a LTR with you, that much is pretty clear, sorry, I really think you need to go NC and move on; he's just messing with your head.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 25-Jan-17 16:09:56

Too much drama, I don't really get the bit about the other girl, who is she? Why does she matter?

But anyway, sounds like he's just not that into you, time to forget him and move on

MsGameandWatch Wed 25-Jan-17 16:13:29

If he wanted to be with you he would be. And quite honesty I think it sounds like he contacts you only when he is at a loose end. Don't you think you deserve more than that?

abbsisspartacus Wed 25-Jan-17 16:13:55

Why would a fan mean more than You? The answer should be she doesn't and he should have not engaged with her ages ago

Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 16:30:56

Thank you all. As I said, I'm on my own with nobody to talk too about this and I think that's why I keep going back to him.
Costacoffeeplease, she's a fan of the team he plays for. Messaged him on social networking about an autograph for her ill son. He agreed to see her after training one day (with 3-4 of the other players.) She messaged him to say thanks & he asked how her son was & they got chatting. She asked him whether he was single & he avoided the question, then she took it out on me on Twitter.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 25-Jan-17 16:34:33

I still don't really see where she comes into it, if she's harassing you I'd get the police involved

Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 16:37:20

We already have. She's just weird, but everytime I see my ex she seems to find out & he gets stick for it. Which is his issue. He enjoys being with me, but then the abuse he gets after makes it not worthwhile.

abbsisspartacus Wed 25-Jan-17 16:54:15

She would only find out if she was being told

Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:00:01

She follows the team around. So when they're away and I'm there she sees us together.

Nomoreworkathome Wed 25-Jan-17 17:30:22

This all sounds utterly bizarre. He has you where he wants you. Sounds like he is keeping his options well and truly open. Maybe it's time to say 'No' when he wants to see you. Or better still, stop letting him treat you like a door mat and cut off all contact.

Summerof85 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:35:55

I'm sorry but it sounds like he is using you. Agree with others, think you should cut off contact and don't make yourself available to him when he decides he wants to see you. Find someone who treats you with a bit more respect flowers

Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:37:50

Try living it Nomoreworkathome! Yes, I know I'm a doormat. Coming out of an abusive relationship with my ex husband has left me with horrendously low self esteem. This man'rescued' me from my marriage (nothing happened for 21/2 years after though) and showed me how I should be treated. Now I'm in a mess when he leaves me like this.

Astro55 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:41:24

Another here ... if he wanted to see you nothing would stop him - nothing

He picks you up and drops you - gives confused messages knowing you'll still be there AND he's using this other woman as an excuse !!

It's not me it's her - he needs to grow a pair and stop hiding behind this woman's skirt

rumred Wed 25-Jan-17 17:44:14

Agree with pps. Plus he obviously likes the attention from her and may well be having sex with her too.
He's not a good person. Is he an egotist? . Move on.

MyDogEatsBalloons Wed 25-Jan-17 17:45:01

It sounds like he's shagging her. If he's really not; there's no reason he can't just stop engaging with her, or even get a restraining order.

MsMims Wed 25-Jan-17 17:45:42

But this isn't how you should be treated. He's treating you horribly. Having a few nice days counts for nothing when he messes with you and drops you to suit himself. Block him and don't see him again for the sake of your self esteem.

debbs77 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:46:02

She sounds like his jealous girlfriend and he is stringing you along!!

Bluntness100 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:50:14

I don't really understand, is there something between him and this girl? Why is he taking so much notice of what she says and treating her as if her opinion is more important than you? It doesn't sound right.

Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 18:22:56

Definitely nothing between them. Basically last year it got horrific, he was getting daily abuse on all forms of social networking from numerous women, always started by this certain girl. They even set a Facebook group up slagging him off, that he was a cheater and that he was stringing me along. It got that ridiculous at one point even the PCSO who was dealing with it said if he hasn't I'd seen it with his own eyes he wouldnt believe it.

Nomoreworkathome Wed 25-Jan-17 18:26:44

You all sound about 15. Seriously..... walk away now with your dignity.

Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 18:35:24

I know I've been a doormat and stupid, but I was after advice, not being called 15. I feel rubbish enough about myself, without that

Nomoreworkathome Wed 25-Jan-17 19:18:24

You have been given advice...... lots of it. It all sounds very dramatic tbh. I am surprised you are still hankering after this man despite everything. Surely you must see yourself how this is not good. For someone who has low self esteem this type of r'ship would be madness. It doesn't sound to me like you are ready to be dating if you feel so emotionally fragile. Maybe take time out to mend.

rumred Wed 25-Jan-17 20:04:17

I don't think you've been stupid. We all struggle to see the bigger picture when we're part of it.
You know he's pissing you about, anon strangers agree. Take your time but don't forget you deserve better

Sassypants82 Wed 25-Jan-17 22:15:16

Sorry but he's just not into you. Move on & find somebody who is.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: