Emotional/online affair

[Eohakann]

I don't post on here but have been a lurker for a while. I really need to talk to someone. I have been so fucking stupid. I have been with DH for 14 years, 2 DDs.

Ok, I joined a Facebook group late last year. A man started messaging me about a shared interest on the group, wanting my input with setting up a business. We chatted on FB and occasionally on the phone. We exchanged photos, he started flirting. I told him to stop because We are both married. He stopped, I'm not sure how on earth it happened but we kept chatting and getting closer over the last month. . Started flirting. He started telling me about personal things that honestly you wouldn't tell anyone.. Last week we discussed that we had feelings for each other and since then we've been having an affair. Messages, calls, video chats,... I have been feeling so guilty but couldn't seem to stop. Today I wrote him a long essay saying it was over and deactivated the Fb account. All the calls etc were done through there so he has no way to contact me.

I don't expect any sympathy. I fully deserve every horrible emotion I'm experiencing right now. I'm a fucking awful person so please don't sympathise, I don't want that.

What I need to know is should I tell DH? I am prepared to suffer the consequences fully and let him make his choice but it is completely over with OM. I have read other threads and some say not to tell DH because it's not fair to offload my guilt onto him, and others say it's only fair to let him make a choice. what do you think I should I do?

I didn't want to include too much info so sorry if I have to drip feed. I have tried to include what I think is relevant. I wasn't looking for an affair, it just happened. I want my marriage and will NEVER let this happen again. Oh and it was a secondary FB account that my DH is aware of if that matters, so he won't question why I deleted it.

Thanks everyone..

[misscph1973]

I guess it depends on your marriage. Personally I would prefer not to know. Of course it's a big deal, but it's not a "real" affair. What do you think your DH would prefer?

[TheNaze73]

I think you should tell him & let him decide he can get over your cheating

[Eohakann]

Misscph1973 I don't know.. I don't know what I would prefer if he had done this either. I think I would prefer not to know I guess, as long as it was definitely over... Thanks for replying. I will try to think what I would prefer him to do if he did this to me..

[lia66]

No. do not hurt him just because you feel guilty, that's not fair. You need to deal with it.

[Eohakann]

Thanks TheNaze73 (sorry, don't know how to tag). Thanks for saying it like it is. It felt like a "real" affair to me. I honestly wouldn't feel worse if I had slept with someone else. I'm not going to pretend it wasn't as bad as a physical affair because it is.

[Eohakann]

Thanks lia66. I'm going to get a bit more of a consensus but I really really don't want to hurt him. I just want to make sure that if I don't tell him that I'm doing that for the right reasons, not just because I'm a coward. I will deal with the guilt. I deserve that.

[Adora10]

You need to end your marriage, there is no way you love your OH as you should to have done what you have.

And you could stop, you choose not to, pity the man's wife and your husband.

[Eohakann]

Adora10 yes I could have and should have stopped. Bad choice of words. I knew I should stop but part of me didn't want to. That's what I should have said. I was in complete control of my actions.

Honestly if I end the marriage without telling him why that would hurt him more than telling him what I did. He wouldn't have closure. If I tell him then there is a chance that he will want to work it out. Do I say no to that and leave anyway? To be honest I didn't even think of just ending the marriage so would like more opinions on this please

[DoloresAbernathy]

Don't tell him.. you are remorseful and have stopped it.
You know you want to keep your marriage so put your energy into the marriage, try to reconnect with your DH and be glad you stopped the emotional affair before things went too far.
You do not need to end your marriage.

[Eohakann]

Thank you DoloresAbernathy I won't do anything rash. This is far too important. I have read these boards a lot and the advice here is second to none, so I will read everything and take it from there. There will be different opinions but hopefully there will be a consensus at the end.

Just to add to Adora's post, I do love my DH. I betrayed him, but it is possible to do that to someone and still love them. You just have to be a completely awful person I guess...

[user1479305498]

I recently discovered something that happened 10 years ago because my husband stupidly didnt get rid of some lyrics and song recordings he made (he is a muso) about someone else who worked with us. At the moment I am very undecided what to do as he clearly was "in love/obsessed" for a short while whilst going through a difficult period in our life (business issues, his mother dying etc) To be honest if I had never seen these lyrics, I would be none the wiser , but the fact I have now puts doubt into my mind constantly and has caused a big issue in our marriage, however much of a "twat" he tells me he was. Unless you are generally unhappy in your marriage, and if you dont think this is going to come back to bite you on the arse (his wife finding out etc) I would say nothing and work on your marriage and put it down to experience.

[Eohakann]

Thank you user1479305498. Good to hear from someone that has been on the receiving end. I think the passion had just gone. We can work on that though.

Ex-OM is in another country and I am 100% sure he would not let his wife find out. Thinking about it, he didn't seem to be at all bothered with guilt like I was (I told him I felt guilty a lot). I wouldn't be surprised if he's done this before and is probably finding the next person now.. sorry, I'm not trying to blame him to take the blame off me. Maybe I'm trying to make him seem like a worse person in my head to make it easier to forget him,, I don't know..

[Adora10]

betrayed him, but it is possible to do that to someone and still love them.

Not in my opinion; you need to find out why you wanted to, why you did and why you continued, that doesn't sound like a person who is 100% committed and in love with their husband.

As for making him out worse than you, c'mon OP, you were both cunts doing this to other people you purport to love, sounds nothing like love to me.

[Adora10]

Yeah great advice Barbara, tell her it's ok, just a wee mistake made.

[pudding21]

In my opinion, you reached out to another man because something is lacking in your relationship. Try and understand what and why that is and if you really want to work it out don't tell your husband and try making your relationship better. People reach out to others when they feel something is missing, the man gave you a boost and you were sensible enough not to take it any further.

I would say don't tell personally. But its up to you and whether you can live with your guilt. For people to tell you to end your marriage on the basis of one post is ridiculous.

[Blobby10]

There must be something missing in your marriage for you to have gone down this route OP. I did the same - it was the start of a long painful couple of years of realisation that my marriage was broken and that neither of us wanted to fix it.

I didn't go the whole hog but went further than you have done. My nearly Ex doesn't know - hes never asked. If he did/had ask/ed I would tell/have told him but there was nothing to be gained by telling him without him asking.

I'm not condoning what you did but think you need to look at it in context- then identify the main problem and decide whether to work on it. If you do want to keep your marriage alive make the effort, if not, cut your losses (and your husbands) now because you WILL do it again and next time it wont stop at messages and video chats.

From what I understand, men dont feel guilt in the same way women do - guess thats why so many 'get away with' affairs and we ladies beat ourselves up day and night for daring to even fantasize about being with another person!!

[Eohakann]

Thank you everyone.

Adora10, Barbara didn't tell me it was only a "wee mistake" it was a fucking huge one. She probably didn't tell me that because she can see I already know that... To be honest if anyone tells me it was only a small mistake I won't take their advice seriously anyway. I need opinions of people that understand what a betrayal this was.

Pudding, thank you. That's what it was, a boost. I honestly didn't go looking for anything. I thought it was a one sided crush at first and felt safe still chatting because I knew he was married and he knew I was. I stupidly thought it was ok at that point. whatever happens I definitely need to work on my marriage.

[Adora10]

I never said it was ok Adora

No you just insult posters that you disagree with instead.

OP, as I have already said, there's something seriously wrong with your marriage if you do not actually address why you did this:

Last week we discussed that we had feelings for each other and since then we've been having an affair. Messages, calls, video chats,... I have been feeling so guilty but couldn't seem to stop.

The above is prolonged and planned, I think you should tell your OH the truth and then perhaps see if both of you want to go to joint counselling to uncover the reason for what has happened, it's not a mistake, it's a cause possibly of a marriage that's just not right.

[Eohakann]

Thanks Blobby10. To be completely honest, and this is no excuse at all, I think it was lack of sex. We have a young child, have been married a while. Things have got a bit routine.. like I said, that is no excuse for what I've done but that is the only thing that is lacking at the moment and I honestly feel that we can work on that and get the passion back. I am still attracted to DH and I do love him.

I think you are right about the guilt being different. the video chats made me feel really guilty because he was in his home, where he lives with his wife and kids. This didn't bother him.

[Adora10]

the video chats made me feel really guilty because he was in his home, where he lives with his wife and kids. This didn't bother him.

Sickening.

See when your dad cheats on your mum and your mum then goes on to have a nervous breakdown, two families are ripped apart and everyone is hurting and crying, you may just be able to gauge where I am coming from so sorry I have experience and my opinions are marred, not that I am making any excuse for that.

[Eohakann]

Adora10 thank you for your last post. I really appreciate your opinion too, even though it's not easy to hear. I respect that you speak to me like I deserve and that is what I need, thank you.

I am still thinking and reading everything. I go to a church. Am thinking about maybe chatting confidentially with a pastor about it. It would be really difficult for me to do, but then if I do tell DH he will have some support..? I don't know.. maybe I'm just wanting someone else to make this decision that I need to make..

[Eohakann]

Adora it is sickening and I am so so sorry that my post has triggered stuff for you.

[Eohakann]

If I don't reply for a while, I will be back. It will probably be tomorrow.