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Husband using harsh words whenever we fight

(21 Posts)
twinmomSA Wed 25-Jan-17 13:30:17

My husband is generally a lovely, caring, loving and perfect match for me. And makes me happy. I'd like to believe I also make him happy. However everytime we have heated arguments he uses really mean words, this morning he said I have bad parenting skills and it really hurt. I have never ever attacked him as a dad or hubby no matter how angry I get. He however is quick to say anything mean whenever we fight. He has previously said he works hard to provide etc during a fight, making me feel belittled as a stay home mom, and making me feel like I don't count as I don't bring in the money. The thing about him is after every fight he is genuinely apologetic and fixes things, but how do I deal with his harsh words and carelessness everytime he is angry? Words hurt, and cut deep. Even though he apologises, I don't forget the words, the ring in my mind all the time and make me feel like he doesn't love me, or I am not enough for him. HELP.....

scottishdiem Wed 25-Jan-17 13:35:22

Why are you both arguing? Does he start with the bad comments or does the argument go on and on and then he escalates it as a means of ending it?

Adora10 Wed 25-Jan-17 13:40:04

Verbal abuse is worse than physical and your child is going to witness his insults towards you.

Sorry but it's not carelessness, he does it because he wants to and I'd have very little respect for a man that put me down for staying home to look after our children.

Instead of seeing it as you're not good enough I think you need to turn it to reality, he can't keep with the name calling, simple as that, or you're going to separate from him.

RatherBeRiding Wed 25-Jan-17 13:46:18

How do the arguments start? Who starts them, and what are they about?

TBH I'd be as concerned about frequent heated arguments, or fights as you refer to them, as the words used during them.

If he genuinely has a problem with how you parent then I think you need to discuss that calmly rather than him blurting it out in the middle of a fight - ditto your feeling that he doesn't value you because you don't work.

ElspethFlashman Wed 25-Jan-17 13:53:07

He says those things because he thinks them.

He apologises because he may not think much of you, but a bird in the hand etc etc.

He also hates feeling like the bad guy so wants to be smiled at again.

He may love you - but he doesn't love you ENOUGH.

Jaysis Wed 25-Jan-17 14:13:26

I don't think I could deal with that tbh, and I don't see why you should have to either. Long after you've forgotten what the argument was about, you'll remember the names he called you in order to get the upper hand.

My view is that you should be no less deserving of courtesy in a discussion -however heated- than he would give to a boss, friend or colleague.

If he throws in insults to his manager he would not last long. It would damage the professional relationship, and his standing at work.

Therefore he's capable of modifying what he says and chooses to say hurtful things to you in an argument. He is choosing to name call or insult you in order to hurt you. In order to win the argument. He picks the insults that easily fall off the tongue because deep down, he secretly agrees with what he says.

What you choose to do in response to this is your own decision. But you should not have to deal with it, or put up with it. Personally I'd be strongly reconsidering the relationship unless he's willing to work at his communication skills in a big way.

Elroya1 Wed 25-Jan-17 14:17:24

I do believe it is more important to look at the root problem - the reason for the frequent arguments, rather than how they unfold.

PickAChew Wed 25-Jan-17 14:23:19

Frequent fights are not a sign of a good relationship.

He wants to hurt you, when he says these things. He doesn't respect you or think that you are worthy of him. A couple where one partner has that attitude is far from well suited.

Vagabond Wed 25-Jan-17 14:28:24

I think frequent fights are fine - but it depends how you deal with them.

If you find that fights/arguments, clear the air - then great.

But it sounds like your husband is using words that wound you far beyond the argument.

I would tell him that his nasty words are killing your love for him.

Inexperiencedchick Wed 25-Jan-17 14:55:19

Usually it kills all the attraction and care if harsh words have been used. It's been so in my case with my EX. Even if he would have said "sorry", and even everything would have worked out well. It never meant to be as I still feel haunted by those words.
I don't know what to say to you OP. 💐
In my experience I just couldn't carry on like that anymore.

Verbal abuse I guess...

PollytheDolly Wed 25-Jan-17 15:04:28

When the debate is lost, slander is the tool of the loser (Socrates)

Littleballerina Wed 25-Jan-17 15:07:30

If anyone else did this to you how would you handle it?

twinmomSA Wed 25-Jan-17 20:15:01

Honestly not even significant things. Just that it easily can escalate. Hubby is a typical fiery red head. Not to say I am never wrong.

twinmomSA Wed 25-Jan-17 20:16:38

We aren't fighting frequently.Just when we do fight he easily goes from A to Z and gets verbal diarrhoea.

AnyFucker Wed 25-Jan-17 20:19:48

You are blaming his verbal abuse of you on the colour of his hair ?

RoundTheBend Wed 25-Jan-17 20:23:20

After 30 years of someone saying what they wanted during an argument and apologising afterwards, I walked away. Wish I had done it many decades before.

You will never win over someone like that. Control and belittling is they manta.

Skooba Wed 25-Jan-17 20:24:22

I have been vicious to DH.
The reason, I think, is that he can be bad tempered, grumpy, so quite often I don't speak my mind, pretend things are ok, to avoid setting off any grumpiness, so that when I do get cross I can go over the top, all that repressed opinions or annoyance letting rip.
I've no idea if it's like this with you but do you think you are, possibly, easily upset for example, so that DH holds back then when he does start he goes over the top in what he says.

RoundTheBend Wed 25-Jan-17 20:24:49

Argh! "Their" mantra.

Penhacked Wed 25-Jan-17 20:35:21

I say things in the heat of an argument that I don't really mean. I witnessed a lot of heated arguments as a child and think it has probably influenced my view of arguments a fair bit. I don't have the answer, but just wanted to say all the people saying he doesn't love you enough, or he is just apologising to feel less guilty, really not true. I think anger is a problem like depression in a way. It can be brought under control with counselling or maybe even drugs, but it ia the angry person's issue to fight like that. I know I have this problem in any relationship because it is a problem inside me sad

RamblinRosie Thu 26-Jan-17 01:08:20

typical fiery redhead

This is a cop out, I've known plenty of redheads, none of them were fiery, in fact many were the most placid of people. Does he tell you that he's fiery because of his red hair?

Did he actually say that you have "bad parenting skills", or did he criticise an aspect of your parenting? If the former, I'd see that as a calculated personal attack, even the latter is plain nasty.

In fact, if he has a real concern about your parenting, that is something he should have raised with you outside of any argument, so it's a low, and dirty blow.

Personal attacks during an argument hit hard, they usually hit a vulnerable spot because your H knows your weak points. That is bullying! They also fester after an apology, you always wonder if they were meant.

If this continues either you'll stop loving him, or you'll become a scared doormat with no self esteem.

Next time ask him "Do you really mean that? ", if the answer's "yes", "then I can't carry on living with you ".

Isetan Thu 26-Jan-17 01:55:50

He does it because he knows you'll be hurt, that's the whole point. The apologies afterwards, is so he doesn't have to explain his behaviour.

Apologies should be an expression of regret and more importantly, a promise not to repeat the behaviour. Therefore his apologies don't mean shit if he keeps doing it.

When someone says they don't respect you, listen.

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