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Am I unrealistic?

(9 Posts)
Ursula1 Sun 25-Feb-07 11:35:07

I've been feeling a bit fed up lately, I look around and everyone else seems to have the kind of life I want, I've tried talking to DP but he doesn't understand and to be fair there isn't much he can do to change it anyway.

Just simple things like getting up on a sunday morning, jumping in the car and going to the sea-side for the day...we can never do that as a) my car is off the road and will be until I can afford a new one and b) he doesn't have a car and has to arrange with his mum when he can use hers which only ever happens if he pays for his dad to get to work over the weekend by taxi etc...basically it's all such a faff.

Same as a quick weekend away in a cheap b&b somewhere, we can never do this as we have the faffing about with his mothers car, the fact that he works every bank holiday as his work just expects it of him and he never says no, the fact that he works every other weekend anyway, the fact that he never has any money...

Even something simple such as him coming around one night during the week to watch a dvd and get a chinese or something...we can't even do that as it's a long distance relationship and his visits down here have to be planned etc.

It's all doing my head in, we were talking on msn last night and we got onto the subject of a family member of mine who has just died and he sent me an 'msn hug' and then got huffy when I didnt send one back...that's what really made me realise how sad this whole set up is, everyone else would have their partner at their side offering real hugs....I get a little green msn picture of a hug instead.

It's like I asked him if he was coming to see me get an award in the week, he said he "should" be able to...I said I needed to know either way because if he wasn't I would arrange for someone else to come, he replied "it depends on whether I can get the car or not..." it seems like whatever we do is down to his mums decisions.

He thinks I'm just "bored" and need a part time job to take my mind off things, he doesnt understand. He said instead of concentrating on what other couples have I should just concentrate on what I have, is he right or do I have a right to be moaning?

mistypeaks Sun 25-Feb-07 11:46:19

I don't think you're being unrealistic. I'm not sure the weekends away etc are what bother you the most though. Reading between the lines you seem as though you want a 'proper' relationship with someone who puts your needs first. I think everyone has a right to be in that kind of relationship. Before I moved to be with my dh we had a long distance relationship. I crashed my car the one day (nothing to serious) and he was with me the very next day for hugs cuddles, helping me sort out a new car (which he lent me the money for) I'm not sure if I'm just incredibly lucky, but I certainly feel blessed. I think you need to think carefully about what you want out of your relationship and what changes need to be made to implement this. Then you need to talk to him. Hope this helps.

Ursula1 Sun 25-Feb-07 16:44:22

You're right, it's not really the weekends away that bother me, I miss being in a real relationship, someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone to make plans with and arrange things with without the threat of "I might not be able to....blah blah".

I have tried talking to him but he doesnt even try to understand, he's never been in a real "grown up" relationship before so he doesn't see anything wrong in the fact that we only see each other twice out of every month.

squidette Sun 25-Feb-07 17:27:17

Everyone has a 'right' to moan just because they choose to. Does it help though? A serious question.

Sometimes venting frustration at things being different from the way we want them to be can really help - pent-up emotions can build and build and then go 'pop' unless we can find a way to either live with them or do something to change them.

I found so much to get upset over in my marriage that now its over, i realise that it wasnt the marriage or him or the situation that was making me unhappy and dissatisfied, it was me. Maybe ask what you want from a relationship and whether the way you think about your needs and desires are getting in the way of reality. It doesnt mean a complacency or resignation to something that you are unhappy with, but an acceptance of this is the way things are and what YOU can do to make yourself happier.

For what it's worth, i dont think that 'everyone' else would have had the support you were looking for in a real life hug - i know i didnt. Overgeneralising on what we think do doesnt really help when sorting our own feelings - its like a constant comparision. Perhaps deciding what you would like is the way forward, rather than trying to have something that you think everyone else is getting?

divastropwantstodrop Sun 25-Feb-07 17:33:20

how long have you been with him?its just it sounds like you're ready for things to get 'serious',or at least talk about where they are going.IME long-distance relationships dont work in the long term,one of you would have to move nearer the other.

wartywarthog Sun 25-Feb-07 18:15:20

is this the guy who sleeps in, uses your pc all the time and plays his xbox constantly (when he's not on your pc)? his mum buys his underwear, packs his bag, washes his clothes? and you flicked garlic sauce on his jeans and he insisted that you get the stain out and wash and iron them? and he's 26? his mum brings him his dinner in his bedroom so he doesn't have to drag his sorry arse downstairs?

and you've booked a holiday together but he's not got his passport?

he breaks your tv remote, kitchen blinds, hair clip, brand new scalextric, bed, sofa and electric screw-driver?

in his defence though, he's taking you to a rock concert and renting a car.

is this the same guy?

squidette Sun 25-Feb-07 18:20:33


It took me ages and ages to understand that i will get the behaviour i tolerate from others. And even longer to begin to do something about creating boundaries to reflect this.

divastropwantstodrop Sun 25-Feb-07 20:35:42

if thats the case then get rid of him now before he tries to move in with you and use you as a replacement mummy.

then find a grown-up man to have a 'real' relationship with.

mistypeaks Sun 25-Feb-07 21:00:47

OMG!!! I agree with divastrop.
It sounds like he wants a tamagotchi not a girlfriend!!

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