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When did you start dating after separation?

(36 Posts)
TomHardysBitontheside Wed 25-Jan-17 12:23:29

I just wondered how long anyone waited before trying OLD?

Ex-H and I separated 10 months ago after 17 years of marriage. He came back for a while to try and make it work but it all started to go wrong again quite quickly and he finally moved out at the start of this year. His reason was that simply he didn't love me any more.

I felt immensely relieved when he left. I was sad for a while, but more about our old relationship rather than who he had become over the last few years.

I feel surprisingly confident and positive about the future. And I realise now I had probably stopped loving him too.

I am not looking for anything serious at all right now, but I am open to the idea of meeting new people.

I fear it is still early days to try OLD, or is it? When did anyone here start contacting/meeting people?

xStefx Wed 25-Jan-17 12:27:22

Do it when you feel ready. You can start off with just making new friends and enjoying other peoples company and if it naturally escalates into something more then great.

Don't worry about what others think, time to enjoy yourself again after 17 years of marriage

Good luck OP x

TomHardysBitontheside Wed 25-Jan-17 12:54:07

Thanks xStefx. My head says wait, it is too early and I am not emotionally ready. But I feel so liberated and as if I am myself once more. Maybe I will give it a go and see what happens!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-Jan-17 13:15:19

I did it straight away.
Never really got the 'rebound' thing until it hit me!
I was not ready.
After a 15 years with my Ex I was probably ready about a year later.

TomHardysBitontheside Wed 25-Jan-17 13:29:02

Hellsbellsmelons - I guess you just don't know till you try. I am cautious about it all but I do feel sort of ready to at least talk to new people. Hope you have had some success with it all.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-Jan-17 13:58:23

I did have success in the end, although it's turning to shite right now!
Oh well.
The Eastenders saga that is my life, continues!

Icancoco Wed 25-Jan-17 14:06:55

You may feel liberated now but wait til you have been online dating for a few weeks, it will bring you right back to reality 😳

There is a lot of crap to sift through to get anyone decent I find.

Treat it as fun and you may be ok but be prepared to have chancers trying to get you into bed, going cold on you without reason and lots of other things that are very alien when you have been in a 17 yr relationship.

TheNaze73 Wed 25-Jan-17 14:37:53

I waited 2 1/2 years

xStefx Wed 25-Jan-17 14:45:06

Agree with Icancoco, treat it as fun.. nothing serious and see whats about OP. Ill warn you though.. The dating scene is bloody hard work :-)

NotJanine Wed 25-Jan-17 14:48:41

I signed up to a few sites a few months after separating. I found it a bit of a confidence boost to get some male interest as I was feeling pretty badly about myself from the split (affairs involved).
However when meeting up was mentioned I realised that I wasn't ready for that and I explained and have left the sites for now.

But if you feel ready for it, then go for it.

ShatnersWig Wed 25-Jan-17 15:36:01

In my experience most people don't wait anywhere near long enough. While it's all very well "treating it as fun" you still need to be in the right place. I've known a lot of people get hurt because they were being messed around by people who weren't ready.

Dieu Wed 25-Jan-17 15:36:57

In my case, 4 years.

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 25-Jan-17 17:18:49

I'm with Dieu, just over 4 years.

Elliejayde106 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:22:21

I was talking to my now ex 6 months after I asked my husband to leave. But we didn't actually do anything until I felt ready which ended up being 2.5 years after my marriage ended

InstinctivelyITry Wed 25-Jan-17 17:27:46

I'm OLD now. 16 months post separation. Been pretty crap pickings tbh but im encouraged at my twar radar and my standards. Its a mixed bag, as I feel it would be in real life. No way of detecting chemistry online. I think its useful to dip toe in, then appraise. There can be growth in the process aswell.smile

InstinctivelyITry Wed 25-Jan-17 17:27:47

I'm OLD now. 16 months post separation. Been pretty crap pickings tbh but im encouraged at my twar radar and my standards. Its a mixed bag, as I feel it would be in real life. No way of detecting chemistry online. I think its useful to dip toe in, then appraise. There can be growth in the process aswell.smile

Teaholic Wed 25-Jan-17 17:30:46

Not for about 5 years. But I left my x with nothing except debts, two dependents, no savings, no job... I wouldn't have wanted the type of man who would have dated me. So my situation was like that. Now I am back on my feet and my dc aren't quite so young I get frustrated with men who pass on me (if I like them!)
Going on a date tonight. I'm 45 and I noticed after messaging him that despite being a less than youthful 49 himself, he has his cut off at 45. So..... hmm. We'll see!
Luckily now I feel robust enough to handle it.

TomHardysBitontheside Wed 25-Jan-17 18:04:00

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I have a couple of friends who have tried OLD and both have had horrendous experiences. Neither have actually found anyone to date.

And I think if anyone did suggest meeting in reality I would probably not feel ready for it. Chatting online is one thing, but meeting is something else. I know it would be nice to get to know new people, and have some positive attention after years of being treated like a flatmate. But maybe I will just look and lurk a bit for now.

Also, i have noticed that so many men of my age (late 40s) are looking for much younger women. What is that all about?!

It is so interesting to read other people's experiences so thanks for sharing with me.

InstinctivelyITry Wed 25-Jan-17 18:21:39

Another thing... male attention isnt necessarily the best way to put it.. in my experience validate you, yourself. Positive self-talk... im even thinking now that I dont need one. Maybe thats the trick

cottencandy55 Wed 25-Jan-17 18:54:09

2 months after 11 Year relationship lots of people told me was to soon I didn't care though my life my choices joined old was very successful for me been with dp over a year now .

Teaholic Wed 25-Jan-17 19:15:29

TomHardy, they might be looking for that but I find that if you message them they're not getting so much attention from significantly younger women that they will ignore you if you the woman the one who is not mired in entitlement and delusion thinks that you're not over reaching. dykwim?

Teaholic Wed 25-Jan-17 19:16:52

I have been on a date with a man though, plump, barely 5.8", gap between his teeth, dated glasses, looking for a younger woman! Good luck to him! he'll be single a while I'd say.

VivDeering Wed 25-Jan-17 19:33:36

After a relationship of about 14 years I tried online dating after a few weeks on the advice of a friend hmm

It was a disaster and I swore off dating for three years.

In the meantime I started to have an absolute whale of a time - tried new hobbies, socialised tonnes, spent blissful hours and hours on my own. I went on holiday on my own, I ate biscuits in bed... Absolutely fabulous and I loved it.

And then after about 6 months from my break-up I accidentally met DBoyf and fell madly in lust love.

VivDeering Wed 25-Jan-17 19:35:06

Oh, and I'd been so worried that I would never meet anyone and no one would ever fancy me again, but I got hit on loads, sometimes by very normal, attractive men.

VivDeering Wed 25-Jan-17 19:35:15

And women.

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