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Dating after a break up - rule of thumb.

(9 Posts)
Anonymoususer1938 Wed 25-Jan-17 09:38:15

I know it's like asking how long is a piece of string, but when is a good time to start dating again after the break up of a LTR? I've recently started online dating after my relationship ended a few months ago. However I find it hard going in some ways and wish I didn't have to do it.
I had a relationship with someone who kept breaking up with me and then came back again. Despite all that and my strong desire not to get back with them I still miss them (and love them) and find myself sad for being in the position of feeling like I have to find someone new.

My logic for doing it is as follows
1. To regain some confidence in myself that other people still find me attractive.
2. To hopefully be in a position to be strong should my ex ever get back in touch because I may have met someone.
3. Hopefully to meet someone to have a loving relationship with.

I've signed up for a dating site for a month and I've resolved if it doesn't work I will let nature take it's course and hope for a chance meeting with someone on a train or something....like people used to do.

RaeofSun Wed 25-Jan-17 09:53:15

Look up the dating thread there's loads of support on there

Blobby10 Wed 25-Jan-17 09:58:18

After my 20 year marriage (22 years together) ended nearly 2 years ago, I have been on one date and that was at the start of December. I wasn't in the right head space to go on any other dates even if I had been asked.

Seems to be a common theme among my separated and divorced acquaintances that the male of the couple moves on really quickly, almost shagging anything that moves then within a couple of years is morose and alone whilst the female spends the first year or two reevaluating her new solo life before starting the dating scene and moving on with a new relationship (or many many dates!!!). Obviously this isnt the case EVERY time but it does seem to be a common theme

Kittencatkins123 Wed 25-Jan-17 11:08:19

Hello!
In one of my times being single, I went back to dating a bit too soon and I wish I'd given myself more time to recover.

Re your reasons I'd say:

1. To regain some confidence in myself that other people still find me attractive.

Are there other ways you can do this? E.g. Checking out guys at gym, light flirting at bar, fun platonic flirting with colleague? Online dating can be a bit of a minefield and while it can boost confidence it can also lower it (not to be overly meh, just to bear it in mind)

2. To hopefully be in a position to be strong should my ex ever get back in touch because I may have met someone.

I don't think it's ever a great idea to date people in order to get over an ex/be prepared for future dealings with an ex. You could end up taking old issues into the new relationship, or end up with the same ones exacerbated by the fact that it's happening again. Dating should be about you and future partners only - not a way to deal with feelings about ex. If you still have feelings for ex, or are worried about this being the case you maybe need to give these time to fade a bit more before dating.

3. Hopefully to meet someone to have a loving relationship with.
This is the great and brilliant reason and should be your first (and maybe only) one! Could you give it a bit more time till you feel this way?

If you do feel you could do some 'light dating' without getting hurt it's fine, I just know when I went out there while still a bit raw I was quite vulnerable and couldn't really cope with some of the dickishness that happens.

smile

Anonymoususer1938 Wed 25-Jan-17 11:15:52

Thanks that's really good advice and of course you're right. Only thing is I've got 4 dates lined up in the next week blush

BernieBear Wed 25-Jan-17 11:28:58

Definetely head to the dating thread. Read the rules, especially the one about having a thick skin. Even for people who haven't come out of a LTR and are ready to meet someone, they still need a thick skin. It can get a bit cut throat!

Kittencatkins123 Wed 25-Jan-17 22:02:38

Ooh!

Well for starters i would scale that back to two a week OR just do short recce dates e.g. A coffee/drink for an hour.
Four in a week is exhausting!

Can you put them in order of preference and reschedule accordingly?

Kittencatkins123 Wed 25-Jan-17 22:03:33

Also agree re dating thread. Dating is HARD (but also fun, funny etc)

noego Fri 27-Jan-17 13:39:11

Get out there. Be yourself. Watch the compliments come flooding in. Those compliments that you haven't heard for years and years.
Embrace and enjoy, but don't let the ego take over smile

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