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If your partner couldn't have children, would you ever leave them?

(45 Posts)
iPhoneTabs Tue 24-Jan-17 23:19:28

I just need to know if my partner is in the wrong or not.

JaxingJump Tue 24-Jan-17 23:29:48

If I wasn't that in love with them then I would leave them. If I lived then like I love my DH, it would never have made me leave him, even though I wanted kids very badly.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Tue 24-Jan-17 23:29:54

I don't think it's a question of wrong and right. I think that for some people the desire to have children is so great that it eclipses everything else, but still it must be heartbreaking to have to choose between that and the person you love.

If this had been me and my DH had been unable to have children, we would most probably have stayed together and gone down the sperm donor route.

BuckingFrolicks2 Tue 24-Jan-17 23:31:26

Don't think so, if I really loved them.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Tue 24-Jan-17 23:31:47

Agree with Jaxing though, I couldn't leave my DH even though I would be devastated to not have children.

scoobydoo1971 Tue 24-Jan-17 23:35:14

Personally, no if the relationship was otherwise ok. I struggled with infertility issues but was fortunate to be blessed with two great children during my marriage. However, medical opinion was that I would be unlikely to have children due to a number of conditions I was diagnosed with. Fertility treatment and diet helped with the second baby as age and health was not on my side by then. If I couldn't have had children naturally, we would have adopted or considered long-term fostering.

Sweepingchange Tue 24-Jan-17 23:37:13

Nope.

Sounds sanctimonious I know but when I stood in front of the altar and said for better for worse, in sickness and in health; I meant it!

You never know for sure what the future will hold.

HecateAntaia Tue 24-Jan-17 23:37:45

I know the correct thing to say is no but to be honest, it depends. Thinking back to when i met my husband, having children was very important to me so, hypothetically, if he couldn't then i would want him on board with sperm donation and to know he would 100% see, feel, love, raise the children as his. If he couldn't do that then yes. I would have ended the relationship because i needed children and i would not have been able to be happy without them.

ThirdThoughts Wed 25-Jan-17 00:30:01

It took us a long time to conceive both my DC1 and this pregnancy, I didn't consider leaving DH as our relationship is good and has been. We would have kept trying and possibly explored fertility treatments, donors and adoption. But I would have been very sad if it was definitely not possible for us to have children so I don't know, I don't think so but not impossible.

But in a hypothetical newer relationship or one with other problems, where the desire for children and a seperate future seemed more important than the relationship, yes. I don't think that's necessarily wrong. It just means that the person understands they can't put that desire behind them and be the partner the other person deserves. It seems cruel as it wasn't their choice not to have children, but better to let them go find someone who will love them wholly than make them live with resentment.

I'm sorry if you are facing a relationship break up as well as bad news about your fertility. He wasn't the right person for you, someone will love you for who you are and appreciate the love you offer.

ThirdThoughts Wed 25-Jan-17 00:34:17

End of second paragraph I'm saying it wasn't the infertile partner's choice so the decision seems cruel but better to find someone who loves you for you than have you put up with their resentment.

AmeliaJack Wed 25-Jan-17 00:37:48

I didn't. It didn't even cross my mind.

After many years we were fortunate enough to conceive our twins after fertility treatment but if it hadn't worked I wouldn't have left him.

WyfOfBathe Wed 25-Jan-17 00:38:05

If it was a boyfriend I'd just started dating, then I guess I might leave. Being able to have children would be "bigger" than that relationship.

But leave my DH? Like someone else said, when I took my wedding vow I meant it - til death do us part. And hopefully nothing is "bigger" than our relationship. We have a DD but if we want and can't have another, I would much sooner look into ivf, sperm donation, adoption, anything really than leave him.

mummyto2monkeys Wed 25-Jan-17 01:36:40

Never, there is nothing that could have made me walk away from my husband. My husband was prepared to stand by me, when we had to seek advice on whether my health condition was genetic. We had decided not to have natural children if it had been. We were open to adoption/ egg donation etc. As it was we were advised that there was no reason why we needed to worry about genetics. We were engaged at the time and went on to marry, then have two beautiful children.

We took our vows very seriously, and my husband has stood by me as my health condition deteriorated progressively (we had no idea my health would deteriorate so badly), my husband quit his well paying job to become full time carer to me and our children. We are still very much in love and we have fought through so many obstacles from day one. So no, whilst we adore having our beautiful children, I would never have left my husband if he had been infertile.

I do feel for those people who marry their partner who has never admitted that they choose not to have children. My Dad has a lovely cousin who desperately wanted children, however her husband absolutely refused. She was so in love with him that she went childless . Only for her husband to cheat on her and leave her for a younger woman when she was 47. The cruel sod has now got two children (yes his)with his new young partner and he left my Dads cousin completely heartbroken. He got to start a family having preventing her from having a child whilst she still could. Especially as it transpired that his new partner was not his first affair.

mammmamia Wed 25-Jan-17 02:06:22

We were told that my DH had a zero speed count and would never be able to father children so we were looking down the sperm donation route. I would not have left him and I know he would have been onboard with the sperm donation option.
As it turned out they managed to find literally a few sperm and after fertility treatment we had twins.
I did feel cheated when we found out though and I was angry for a long time at the situation but I would never have left him as there were other ways of building a family.
Good luck OP.

ZeroDarkHurty Wed 25-Jan-17 02:08:38

It would have depended on the point in the relationship at which I found out and also my own age.

If I found out early on, before I'd totally fallen for them and our lives had become properly intertwined, then I may have considered my options especially if I was in my 30s and knew I wanted kids. If I was younger, when having kids was an abstract idea rather than a real desire, I wouldn't have given it a second thought and would happily have continued the relationship, but if I'm honest I suspect it would have caused some secret resentment (for which I would feel ashamed of myself) later as while I wasn't bothered about kids when I was young, I definitely 100% wanted then by the time I was into my 30s. If it hadn't happened I'd have been really disappointed. But having said that, I'd never have left dh if we couldn't conceive as we'd been together for many years by the time we got to the point of trying and our lives had been built together. It'd be different if I was, for example, 33 years old, in a very new relationship and my boyfriend told me he couldn't have kids before we'd even got to the point of moving in together, as I wouldn't have as much invested in the relationship.

mammmamia Wed 25-Jan-17 02:09:08

I should add though that at that point we had been together for 12 years so we had a lot of history together. Might be different in a newer relationship.

kelj2 Wed 25-Jan-17 02:11:28

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. Some people want children so badly that it's a deal breaker for them. Just keep in mind there are other ways of having a family like adoption, fostering, surrogacy etc. although I know those options don't suit everyone. I guess it just depends whether your love for him outweighs having children.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 25-Jan-17 02:24:13

If that partner refused to consider alternative paths to parenthood (adoption, sperm donation, etc), if they felt that the only 'true' children are one's own biological children, then yes, I would leave them. Someone else may choose to stay.

As others have said, there's no absolute right or wrong in this situation.

Pallisers Wed 25-Jan-17 02:29:01

I probably wouldn't have become involved with someone who couldn't have children if I knew it for certain - would have exited before we became serious. That said, if I really fell for the person and they were open to adoption etc. I might reconsider. I am adopted so having a biological child of my own - if possible - was really important to me - but not necessarily more important than marrying the right person.

I married my husband hoping we would both be able to have children and knowing no reason we couldn't. There is no way I would have left him if he was infertile. I married him because i loved him. I would hope he would be on board for adoption or sperm donation etc.

My cousin married around the same time as I did. They could not conceive. No way would they have split. (they adopted).

iPhoneTabs Wed 25-Jan-17 02:35:48

Thanks everyone... Married for 5 years... Didn't realise I couldn't have children until we began to try, brought up other ways of having children and he was having none of it. I'm beyond mortified.

Pallisers Wed 25-Jan-17 02:43:23

you should be beyond angry.

If he wants to leave you for this after loving you enough to marry you and forging a life for 5 years, you are better off without him and will do much better.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 25-Jan-17 02:48:35

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Are you saying that he now wants to leave because you are unable to have children or that you want to leave because he won't consider alternatives?

Andro Wed 25-Jan-17 09:57:15

My dh married me knowing I was incapable of having children (my mother thought he was insane and should 'find himself a real woman'!).

Your ex is either a jerk or handling things inexcusably badly, neither of which reflect on you flowers

xStefx Wed 25-Jan-17 10:02:01

OP im so sorry. I don know what to say but a man that can be so heartless cant have really loved you the way you deserve to be loved.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 25-Jan-17 10:26:12

No. He's a wonderful person who adores me and I him and I'd be a fool to throw that away. I am incredibly broody and it's always been my goal to have children though so we would have to find another way, possibly adoption?

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