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When everyone else asks why but you have to go

(6 Posts)
Justdreadful Tue 24-Jan-17 19:47:38

So I ended it 3 weeks ago with my partner of nearly ten years married half that and we have a 3 year old son. I have struggled with whether our relationship was what I wanted from around 18 months in, the thing is my husband is handsome, kind, intelligent a good dad etc etc... but you know when you just don't have 'it'. He's not Much of a talker and thanks to this have spent a good chunk of our years together feeling lonely ( I have a great social circle but have always struggled enjoying time Alone with him because of this - holidays just he two of us always the very worst!)and I have always been very sexual but he isn't and I found over the years that he preferred porn to me I think this relates back to his lack of communication- he doesn't really engage with people - myself included. So after years of back and forth on the subject I did it and initially felt relief but now that I am having to split my son 50/50 I feel dreadful like my heart is ripped out not having him all the time and that I have done this to myself for essentially selfish reasons of wanting a partner I can have fun with, that wants to talk to me and have sex. Has anyone had a similar position? I am struggling to find people that have walked away from something that wasnt 'awful' - just not enough and whilst I feel in my gut I did the right thing I am now so incredibly guilty that I have halved my time with my son for what seem like superficial reasons. Please be kind or at least constructive as bit of a mess at the moment x

BitchQueen90 Tue 24-Jan-17 20:29:44

Me. I split up with my exH because it was tedious. He used to come home from work and just play Xbox or computer while I watched TV, we barely even had a conversation.

There were people who wondered why I did it - he wasn't abusive, he didn't cheat on me so apparently this means I was "lucky". hmm

I did not want to be in a marriage where I was unhappy. And I WAS unhappy. I wanted out, I wanted to get back to myself again, to have fun. Life felt tedious with him.

I have never been happier than I am now, single with a FWB who I have so much fun with. DS is a happy child and he has happy parents even though we are no longer together.

I would never encourage anybody to stay together if they don't want to, be it "for the children", financial reasons or because society says you should. Life is for living, not for being unhappy. If you truly tried to make your relationship work and couldn't, don't feel guilty.

PaterPower Tue 24-Jan-17 20:44:44

Can't really advise on the regretting it thing - the decision was taken out of my hands by my exW who decided the grass was greener with OM; until he cheated on her. If she ever regretted it she didn't bother to tell me and I've got a far happier and more fulfilling relationship now.

I do regret not being able to see my children every day. I had 50:50 for just under three years until she decided she needed to relocate them almost 200 miles away from the FMH. I will never be able to forgive her for that.

Just bear in mind that your exH will be feeling equally shitty and torn with only seeing his son half the time he used to. Doesn't mean you should get back with him though - not if you know it's not going to work.

Dappledsunlight Tue 24-Jan-17 22:07:07

Justdreadful, I can empathise with your situation as have similar scenario here. I feel exactly as you about time alone with DH. He's hard-working, bright, enterprising, but I just don't feel that happy with him. Don't relish coming home to share things about my day. Dread holidays. He's announced he's working at home tomorrow when it's my bloody day off and am pd off about that. What's the answer? DC would be affected but 1 at uni, 2nd doing A levels. But thought of us alone in house together not filling me with joy. Some days I say "just accept all the good and count your blessings" but that's hard when I kind of resent him - 0 intimacy, not even my best friend. His habits grate, I feel irritable. Sorry, no real suggestions, but I think the real answer would be to leave because it can't be right feeling unhappy. But it takes guts. What do you want to do?

Justdreadful Tue 24-Jan-17 22:42:25

Thank you all for your words it helps to know there are others who face the same challenges although I truly don't mean to wish this on anyone.
Bitchqueen your story sounds very similar, I am glad you now have a happier life x
Paterpower I am so sorry your children are now so far away, I hope your situation changes you don't deserve that x
Dappledsunlight again your words really resonate- I too used to think oh god not home again with me! My biggest fear was retirement when any children had left home and it would be just us together then. I know I need to stay strong as I feel I would regret stepping back into it, I hope you find your happiness x
I truly feel in my gut that he is not right for me, hasn't been for years but it's took me so long, exhausted me to get to this point.
I just wish I didn't have to share my son, I will of course, I just wish I didn't have to choose between being happy in myself or having my son in my life like I want him. X

wizzywig Tue 24-Jan-17 22:50:32

I havent left. Probably wont either. A pp talked about playing xbox, my husband doesnt bother having any conversation with me. Everything gets turned back within a few seconds back to whatever he wants to talk about. Im generally bored rigid. No sex life. No affection. Life would probably improve immeasurably if wifi and 4g didnt exist. I feel like im always disturbing him from whatever crap he is doing.

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