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Revelations about 'Disordered characters' - what's your experience?

(17 Posts)
Pollyanna9 Tue 24-Jan-17 19:10:54

Apologies in advance as I may go straight to bed quite shortly either just to watch TV or just to go to sleep early. I'm up each day at 5.15am and at work by 7am and I'm knackered, any I've had a bottle of Blossom Hill so bear with me smile.

I'd long wondered what the HELL is it with my ex husband, what was WRONG with him (you know?). For many many years I've strugglee with -- oooh, just listening to Videothecque from Dollar, them were the days - focus Pollyanna, focus! So I always thought what's going on there, how can you be like you are. I'd looked and seen as I'm sure many of you have, narcissistic personality disorder and all that stuff but it never really fitted? So I had a determined search around and I was blown away by what I found out about Disordered Characters. You know those (sorry, swearing warning and this is driven solely by how shit my exH makes my DD feel) guys who are utterly crap dads who can't be arsed to see their kid in X city but they'll see their other kid in X city even though it's only a 20 bus ride away, you know what I mean?

And I've always thought there's something missing, what is it, it is a conscience (are they a sociopath) or are they just utterly selfish, what the hell is wrong with them?

Then I found this.

Essentially it's a complete lack of shame (which, frankly, when you read it explains it TOTALLY).

I'd love to discuss this with you who can identify with any of this bullshit and find any kind of consolation in finally understanding who these freaks are, because I'm 50 and I've been divorced for 10 YEARS and I've still tried to reason with this bell end of an exH - but this really helped and I'd love to know if anyone else had the absolutely massive lightbulb moment of recognition that I had... love you all smile.

isordered characters don’t feel shame like neurotics do. One mark of a character disorder is a person’s relative incapacity not only to be deficient in feelings of guilt when committing harmful acts, but to lack any sense of shame for the kind of person they must be to commit such acts. It’s hard to be genuinely repentant and also hard to make good on a pledge to not commit the same kind of hurtful act again when you don’t really feel like a shmuck for doing the bad thing you did in the first place. Disordered characters have consciences that are under-developed and impaired. Most disturbed characters don’t hear that little voice in their heads that urge most of us to do right or admonish most of us when we’re contemplating doing wrong. They don’t “push” themselves to take on responsibilities and don’t “arrest” themselves when they want something they shouldn’t have. Any qualms of conscience they might experience can be eliminated with great ease. Character disordered individuals are notoriously nonchalant about the things that most others get upset about. They don't experience enough anxiety when it would be normal or even beneficial to do so. The disturbed character doesn’t get apprehensive enough about his conduct. He is too indifferent and unshaken when problems arise as the result of the way he does things, and he remains too unnerved and unperturbed in the face of conflict. The disordered character doesn’t do the dysfunctional things he does because some past trauma has him too hung-up to do otherwise. He does what he does because he lacks the capacity to get hung-up enough to think twice about his behavior and inhibit himself and restrain his conduct.

That ring true for anyone?

If you want to read more the website is - it's worth a proper rummage to find all the different of these types. It's been a revelation to me.

Doesn't stop me wanting to murder the total c*nt for how he makes my DD feel. Obviously.

charmers2501 Tue 24-Jan-17 20:19:25

God, it's like reading about my other half

charmers2501 Tue 24-Jan-17 20:19:28

God, it's like reading about my other half

Pollyanna9 Tue 24-Jan-17 21:04:02

Seriously. I nearly dropped off my chair and spent a lot of time reading his various pages and types. I couldn't believe I'd finally found the information I needed. Blew me away.

There's all the types described - the poor me lot, and ever other type in in between. Shudder. Awful people - yet they don't know it. Not much consolation to a 14 yo who cannot understand why her dad's an utter c*nt to her but not to her brother but I will in due course add to what I've explained so far and give her this info as well and hope it helps.

everythingis Tue 24-Jan-17 22:22:47

Exh had shades of that

Gingernaut Tue 24-Jan-17 22:24:25

Isn't that psychopathy?

likeaZombie Tue 24-Jan-17 22:36:01

Narcissism psychopathy and sociopaths or anti social personality disordered people all come under the umbrella of cluster b personality disorders. There will be some overlap between all 3 disorders, the main symptoms being glib superficial charm and a lack of conscience.
These are very very dangerous beings, the only reasonable advice to maintain safety and sanity is to get as far and as fast as possible away from them.

NarcsBegone Wed 25-Jan-17 01:00:38

I'm going to bed but I have similar issues figuring out exh, there's something more. I'm going to read whole thread tomorrow. I'm really struggling with what he's still doing after 7 years of separation and recent divorce

reggaesongbird Wed 25-Jan-17 04:29:58

My parents are both this. And several exes.

Pollyanna9 Wed 25-Jan-17 19:31:33

I only wish I could likea but sadly when you have kids with someone even when you divorce them you're stuffed because contact means you have to keep seeing them - urgh!

NarcsBegone Wed 25-Jan-17 20:00:20

I'm working my way through dr george's blog, is that where you got your op info from? Pollyanna?
My ex is causing issues because I can't cut him out, every time i think I've got there he hauls me back in using our ds and court. I'd love to understand what/why he does what he does as I believe understanding may help me deal with it better and protect ds and myself.
Thanks for sharing.

likeaZombie Wed 25-Jan-17 20:16:02

Narcs have you heard the term hoovering? This is what he's doing to you. Sucking you back into his drama. To a narc any attention is good attention, also known as supply, it's their life blood.
You need to grey rock him.

likeaZombie Wed 25-Jan-17 20:21:34

At 14 i think your dd may be old enough to sort out her own contact with her father. You really don't need to have much if anything to do with him at this point. Anything you do need to speak to him about do by email.
Of course you will still have to pick up the pieces for your daughter. Not sure what to suggest there, I'm forever grateful to god that I didn't have kids with sociopath I was involved with.
There are lots of support groups and blogs online that will help you. Grey rock or no contact is the only way with these vampires.

Pollyanna9 Wed 25-Jan-17 21:02:35

Yes, I do let her, completely, drive things with him - she chooses if and when she sees him etc but she often asks for help as she is having to learn how to deal with him and quite often she doesn't like talking to him whether it be speaking, texting, or facetiming. She asks me for help with her responses and I'm doing all I can to toughen her up and understand it's not her but we all know, all kids will think it's something wrong with them regardless of what you say

I can say that even though I split from my XH 8 yrs ago I've only just found this disordered thingy which is the first thing I've ever read that totally, totally fit.

He's not got any of the apparent vindictiveness actions referred to in the Gray Rock solution that appear to fall into psycopathy - he's much more ambivalent and it all washes over him plus he's actually quite a weak person. He doesn't want or create drama. He's just got the no soul/conscience thing going on. I should know, I spent 20 yrs trying to figure out JUST the right way to make him understand blah blah blah. But it's pointless if the person doesn't feel shame isn't it. It's interesting when you realise that then you can see how they would be able to act so casually and without any concern for how it affects people. If you felt shame it would fully prevent you from ever being able to do that because you'd feel so bad. These people don't ever feel bad.

NarcsBegone Wed 25-Jan-17 21:34:28

Likeazombie thanks so much for replying to me. I have tried to disappear from his radar unfortunately it hasn't worked and I am now about to enter the court process again. He uses access with ds, we had a court order in place but he then decided that he didn't want to see ds according to the order and moved away, he then decided he does want to see ds and has issued demands via solicitor that if aren't met completely will result in another court case. My solicitor is dealing with it but I know he won't compromise on his demands and court will happen again. Everything is just inside 'legal' and 'reasonable'. The divorce took forever as he refused to engage with the court properly then spouted stress issues and was never given anything but a firm talking to by the judges. He was ordered to make a small contribution to my legal costs for that but then stopped work so I had to maintenance it goes on and on! Since October last year I have tried really hard to 'grey rock' but he isn't finished with me it turns out. I can't ignore the solicitors letter and subsequent court action. There's a lot that points at narcissism but he doesn't fill all the boxes. I'm certainly being punished (part of that is his partner) but he doesn't contact me outside of legal stuff, he doesn't want a relationship, he becomes obsessed with people (partners) and his obsession for me ended a couple of years ago. Our ds was an obsession for a while until his partner became the new one and I know he doesn't really care for ds, he's a tool for him. Urgh so complicated! I'm hoping that once this latest access has been sorted that he will have run out of ways to get at me. I can't stop him from seeing ds as I can't properly prove what he's like and people get the impression that I'm just a bit paranoid about him I think.
Sorry for hijacking op.

likeaZombie Wed 25-Jan-17 22:00:46

I'm sorry to you both that you and your kids have to put up with these bastards I really am. The world would be a nicer place without these devils in it. They really are just parasitic life sucking destroyers.
Narcs I get it, especially about your son being a tool, everyone is basically just an appliance to them, including their own kids and his new girlfriend will lose her usefulness eventually too.
They are good at making us look crazy, thankfully it's outside of most people's experience to have dealt with monsters at close quarters so it's hard for people to undestand or relate to. I only found out there are people like this out there a year ago. It's been a steep learning curve.

NarcsBegone Thu 26-Jan-17 00:05:08

Thank you likeazombie, I think his partner will be around a bit longer as she allows him to do exactly as he likes and gives him affirmation for the things he's doing, she also won't be having any kids so there's nothing to rock the boat on that score.. Se is also a massive issue and I am concerned about her being with my child but again nothing I can do. But as you say she won't be useful anymore at some point and then she will be on the receiving end. All I can do is the best for my kid when he's with me and not at his fathers, I will have to try and repair the damage. I'm all for fathers having access but the courts seem to make that a priority and aren't interested in the worries of the mother or a recourse for the mother should the order terms not being met by the fathers.

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