Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So this probably won't make me Miss popular but I've had three very long term relationships two of them marriages. I've started off all of them with my own home, great job and debt free whilst all three of them have brought nothing to the table. 1st husband I paid the mortgage and bills, boyfriend, I paid the mortgage and bills, second husband I paid the mortgage and bills.
I kind of thought any guy with a teeny bit of self respect would then contribute and pull their weight but sadly this didn't happen and I ended up doing and paying for everything while the other half did fuck all. And funny how after decades of doing fuck all wanted a chunk of money at the end to go away (they didn't get any).
I'm now single again and I'm thinking no man is setting foot over my threshold ever again unless he has a house of his own, a great job and a pension. I'm not even looking at someone if they don't have those things.
If I can be a single mum and bring up my children on my own AND work full time and buy my own home then why the hell can't a potential partner do the same.
The world is full of spongers and no hopers, I haven't met a single man yet who is worth a light and I've always put 100% into my relationships.
I decided I absolutely will not go out with anyone who doesn't meet my cruteria ever again, I'd rather stay single for the rest of my days and leave what I have to my kids.
Does anyone else feel the same way?
The world isn't full of spongers and no-hopers but you seem to attract them!! Sorry OP
Maybe your nurturing instinct is letting you allow these no-hopers into your life?
Look at how they're getting in and where you're meeting them and make a change.
Quite possibly, maybe it's a lack of self esteem or something. I loved number 3 with all my heart but he left after 2 decades becasue he was bored I think without looking back. I was devastated.
I can quite honestly say I haven't met anyone worth while, I'm sociable, I have lots of great friends, a great job I'm happy doing. I just don't ever meet suiable men, I have no idea why.
I don't mean to be mean here- I only mention this because I can identify with you a bit...
Is your self worth/persona tied in with how self sufficient you are?
I can imagine that for number 3 whom you loved, it would be quite a hard thing to live up to. Because if you were reliant on him for anything then how would you value yourself? Or the small things that he was in charge of- maybe he didn't get the lip service for them because your daily achievements are bigger/better?
I can see how it might be a hard thing to live with for an under achiever.
(DP and I had a similar thing for YEARS. Resentment on both sides for a while although we're done with it now.)
You're very fortunate you didn't have to pay anything out, particularly after 20 years with #3. I don't think there are many men who come out of 20 year marriages and don't have to pay something out, regardless of how long they'd owned the asset etc.
As a single parent in a financially stable situation, you have my sympathy as I totally understand where you are coming from. After my divorce I started dating a man who was a con-artist and pathological liar. He lied about his business status, his housing status and past relationships...I thankfully found out his true character before any damage was done. He had a track record of trying to get into relationships with professional, high income women, grabbing their money and credit-rating for his own use and when I finally uncovered the truth of his debts, and his past affairs and abuse of women it was a real shocker. He was a very sophisticated fraudster and predator. Needless to say, it ended badly and suddenly when he was confronted and discovered I wasn't going to be the next money pit-stop. He had no self respect and would have taken money out of the pocket of the dead if he could.
I have subsequently observed through my own casual-dating experiences there are strategies for protecting yourself (...asking a man about his past sometimes reveals insight into how respectful/ gold-digging he is in the way he describes his ex, as well as his haste to ask you for favours like borrowing a few quid, or you paying more towards dates than he does consistently). Friends and colleagues have told me some stories about being taken to the cleaners. Not everyone is bad or corrupt of course, and I envy happily married couples sometimes. I believe the best relationships happen with separate post-codes and no marriage/ joint financial arrangements. It makes the break-up clean and fair, and reflects two adults who enjoy each other for company etc but are financially independent. I do not feel I would ever get into a relationship with anyone local to where I am because I am known for my business interests, properties etc and would never be sure if they liked me for 'me' or my security. I would hate to think I had jeopardised my children's future on a man who had exploited for assets. May be you will find a man who treats you well in the future, but tread carefully and learn from past mistakes like I am trying to?
I think you have to know when to draw the line. Is that at the first date when it's clear he isn't very ambitious or self sufficient or the point you know he's moving in and won't bring anything to the table? You can't live on hope alone that someone will step up, you have to be confident they already did that for themselves prior to you even considering a serious relationship. Taking things slowly is the key, and not being afraid to walk away when it isn't right for you is the way forward
I can understand where you're coming from and no you should not "down date", but if I was assessing myself under your criteria then I would not make the grade because despite having worked like a donkey my entire life I still don't have a great job, any money or a pension.
However I do not sponge off anyone, ever. Always paid my own way. Just saying though, if you meet a poor man whom you adore, he ought to be the kind of person who would not ask you to pay mortgage and bills and who works donkey-like to make his side happen. That describes my husband perfectly. We are skint and happy. Good luck OP.
Honey, what you need to do regarding relationships is put 50% in and the other person puts 50% in
Putting 100% in means you lose yourself and they can sit back and let you make all the effort
I would say at was a good starting point
Also, just saying this has not always been the case, I had a great job once and was sorted. When I left a man I had been with for three years (I had been supporting him for two of those after he left his decent job and didn't think to get another one until I actually left him, strange that eh?!), he actually gazumped me on a house I was going for. So yeah, protect yourself by all means.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.