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Trust Issues

(20 Posts)
CrispPacket Tue 24-Jan-17 17:50:39

Heya MNetters smile

Just wondering if anyone can give me a kick up the butt/ a hug/ a stern talking to or some advice...I have really crappy trust issues when it comes to relationships. I'm that one that finds someone and gives them everything sad I'm either totally out or everything in kinda person.
Over the years I've been in and out of relationships and get burnt soo much. I've been cheated on, used, absued and lied to so much (sorry not boohoo poor me) and I've always tried to be strong and think 'nevermind, onwards and upwards, plenty more fish, i won't let it get to me blah blah' but I guess it has sad I just cant seem to trust people now and its really really getting at me. I have been with current OH for a year now and I really really struggle to trust him. He promises me he hasnt/wont cheat etc but I just get so irrational. Ive struggled with depression and anxiety which I am keeping a lid on. He goes out with his friends quite a lot to the pub and he'll go out clubbing about once a month...does everyone go on the pull when clubbing or do you genuinely go out to have a good time with your friends? Dear god I sound like an absolute nightmare :'( I'm just so scared I'm going to get hurt, I feel like I just cant do it again. Honestly I'm not as much a nightmare as I sound but I constantly battle with myself in my head and its horrible.

BumDNC Tue 24-Jan-17 18:00:00

You need to get actual help for your anxiety and not just try pretend it isn't there, and that OH is responsible for making you feel better. That's the issue. You need to address it not hope the right person will make it go away.

Yes I love going out to bars and clubs with my mates and even when I was single it's not about 'pulling' anyone at all it's called socialising.

CrispPacket Tue 24-Jan-17 19:36:54

Thank you for replying BumDNC I have been on citalopram for about 6 years but OH wanted me to stop taking it and try and deal with it without medication. I dont 'rely' on him to make me feel better but would really appreciate the support.
I know its socialising, sorry I sound like such a whiney numpty sad Me and OH never had the best start...he claimed commitment issues for the first 5mnths of us dating and then when I said id walk away because I didnt want to just be something on the side he decided that he did want to be together but he really did mess me around in the beginning. I just wish I could stop worrying sad

BumDNC Tue 24-Jan-17 20:00:27

I meant deal with the deeper issues, the root causes, face up to them and address them. Come to terms with the past and make some peace with it to allow yourself to live a full and happy life.

Thing is, what is it he could do to support this? Stop going out? Would that help?
Although I think a wobbly beginning is understandable for you to be upset, that's the past. I had a wobble at the beginning of mine too. That is reasonably normal to not be certain of what you want or where things are going in the early days. It sounds like he's committed now.

OldLibrary Tue 24-Jan-17 20:20:51

I don't think you should come off medication because someone else thinks you should.

Would you maybe feel better back on it?

BumDNC Tue 24-Jan-17 21:19:11

Without knowing the details he could have been trying to misguidedly help.

Pringle2628 Tue 24-Jan-17 21:28:53

You sound similar to me. Massive trust issues and completely believe men don't go out to just have a laugh with mates. I'm probably not the best person to talk to as I don't trust anyone at all.

My partner didn't want to be in a relationship for the first 4 months and then all of a sudden changed his mind but I put that down to the fact he had not long since come out a 5yr relationship. I guess I'm quite lucky that my partner doesn't go out ever and when he does I get an invite but it does have its downfalls as I feel like we have no social life's anymore constantly just live our life's around each other.

I was considering going away for the weekend this weekend just to get away and have some time to be alone but then the other anxious part of me says no because you never know who he may invite round to the house.

My god I'm crazy!!

loadofcrap10 Tue 24-Jan-17 21:34:54

Speak to your GP about sertreline rather than citalopram. It's better for anxiety x

BumDNC Tue 24-Jan-17 21:43:27

I don't think it's seen as lucky your partner doesn't go out, it's not a healthy way to be, or too scared to go away in case he suddenly cheats on you. Without trust what is a relationship? I can't urge you all enough to seek professional help and support for the anxiety around trust. It's controlling for the other person and deep down you know locking them in a mental/social life-less box to keep them close to you isn't the answer and doesn't solve anything.
I wouldn't be with a man who felt like this and wouldn't let my life be affected. You need to accept it's not ok at all for you to make some changes perhaps.

EnglebertSlaptyback Tue 24-Jan-17 21:46:29

I've a bit of a history of being cheated on and when I met my now DH I was worried about him cheating because his hours for work were horrible. Night shifts, often ran over time etc.
I did realise that my head going to 'he's cheating' was because of my past which he had no clue about. It wasn't fair to tar this man with the same brush of my previous arseholes.

Something which has always stayed with me is that you can't stop someone cheating. If they're going to do it, they'll do it regardless of your behaviour (within reason obviously!).
You can only control your feelings and actions in this world, nothing else.

Also 6 years on the same drug and it doesn't sound like it's working too well now. Although early days of relationships are rife for anxiety.

Chocolatefudgecake100 Tue 24-Jan-17 21:48:19

Im the same ur not alone op its horrible isnt it

CrispPacket Tue 24-Jan-17 21:51:39

I think part of me doesnt want to go back to my meds..things just felt a bit more balanced but when i say about it to him he looks so disappointed sad
Thank you for your advice BumDNC, no I dont want him to stop going out, thatd just cause more problems and he'd end up hating me I dont want to stop him doing stuff but yes in the short term it would help but its not happening and i dont want it to...god i cant even decide what i want sad Id hate to make him unhappy.

Pringle its so nice to hear it isnt just me. I sound like such an awful person sad All I want to do is to be happy and not worry, its so horrible feeling like this.

CrispPacket Tue 24-Jan-17 21:53:10

Things arent helped that I recently had an accident (11 weeks ago) and had to have rather messy reconstructive knee surgery so I dont even have a life right now...all i can do is sit here in over think everything.

Is this something people see a counsellor about? I feel so petty sad

BumDNC Tue 24-Jan-17 21:53:44

You aren't an awful person. the fact you don't like yourself is glaringly obvious, you sound very down too. Have you considered talking to a professional?

BumDNC Tue 24-Jan-17 21:54:27

I think you sound very down and low so yes you should go talk to your GP. Obsessive thinking also.

SandyY2K Tue 24-Jan-17 22:02:03

Yes, you can see a counsellor about it. Talking through it with a professional can be helpful.

Pringle2628 Tue 24-Jan-17 22:02:13

I must admit although I still have massive issues I was 50 times worse before work paid for me to have counciling about 4 years ago. I think it is very much down to how much you click with your councillor though as I recently went again for councilling through the NHS and it was a completely different experience that didn't help at all.

My ex partner made me believe I was going crazy and I genuinely thought that I was and that I was imagining things. It wasn't until 6 months after we broke up I realised the extent of the manipulation and it's very Hard to ever completely recover from such a horrific ordeal.

CrispPacket Tue 24-Jan-17 22:57:53

Thank you BumDNC Ive never really spoken about it before and writing it down is partly making me feel so relieved and partly seeing how blatantly ridiculous I am sad Its strange my old friend couldnt understand why I was ever bothered by breaking up with some of my exs/flings because I was 'pretty and funny' and didnt think id be bothered about guys or settling down..but Im so lonely inside :/ I know maybe I should step out of being with someone and concentrate on 'me' but I honestly hate the thought of being alone. Since Ive been recovering from the knee I dont have any friends left (ive moved around a lot and have only been in the area for a couple of years) as everyone has kinda got bored of not being able to do anything (Im only just walking again) which isnt helping. Eurgh feel like such a pathetic mess, wish I was just happy on my own and then wouldnt have to worry about all this sad

Its horrible isnt it Pringle, a few of my exs have done this to me after ive had a horrible gut feeling...turns out they were lying and i was right sad Maybe I should consider counselling...just feel so silly sad There are people out there going through so much worse and Im sat on the sofa in tears because my OH might want someone else.

BumDNC Tue 24-Jan-17 23:00:44

It's all relative. You don't sound happy so don't compare it to other people's lives. This is your life and you only have one of them. Your resilience is low and you need some help that's all. You have had traumatic experiences that you need to process. Internal feelings you keep shutting away.

You need to tackle this for yourself, not for your partner. Not all men are cheating bastards but this forum is full of bad stories so shows you the worst side of things.

CrispPacket Thu 26-Jan-17 17:32:37

Thanks BumDNC, just feel so pathetic with it all sad I do want to trust him but just dont know how to stop over thinking everything, its horrible I try to stop caring as much so it doesnt bother me but I know thats not the right way to deal with it either sad I just want to be enough for him but I dont think I am

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