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Would you feel unsupported by your boyfriend if he did this?

(8 Posts)
newstartamiready Tue 24-Jan-17 16:43:20

So I posted this on AIBU but didn't really get any replies and I am trying to get some perspective so posting again.

So the background is that my boyfriend was friends with my dad years before we got involved (my boyfriend is a few years older than me so no where near my dads age). My dad was very horrible towards me recently so I am not currently speaking to him. He was so nasty that I was crying my eyes out and basically had a panic attack! My boyfriend knows this but he is still speaking to my dad and has gone to help him with something today, it's a work thing and he will get paid so he's happy to do it.

I'm not trying to be a spoilt brat or anything but I feel like as my dad was so horrible and left me in such a bad state that it doesn't appear like my bf is very supportive as he is continuing with my dad as he normally would so in a way it looks like my dad hasn't done anything wrong! My dad is a narcissist and takes what he wants and if he doesn't get it becomes very horrible!

My boyfriend is a nice person and has a forgiving nature and seems to be able to take a lot more shit than I can. If someone had upset him as much as my dad upset me I'm not sure I would be happy to work with or for them. But I know I can be stubborn and I think it's because I'm guarded as I grew up with not the nicest supportive family.

So AIBU to be annoyed about this?

PollytheDolly Tue 24-Jan-17 16:51:44

Your BF is probably under the narcissists spell. Very manipulative, controlling individuals. Hopefully he will see it soon.

So you're not NC with your dad then?

broodybrooder Tue 24-Jan-17 16:54:39

I think you are right to feel unsupported, I would too. Depending on your situation, I'd cut him a little slack with the opportunity to earn some money. But yes, you deserve more loyalty.

As a narcissist, your dad can probably manipulate your BF very easily, especially if is a lot younger and a nice guy etc. He can probably be very charming with the people he still has a use for. As this is your BF, and you've fallen out, he will still have a use for him and will have turned on the charm offensive.

This isn't anything you won't already know. And it's possibly a sign that a relationship with a friend of your dad's isn't a brilliant idea.

On the one hand, your dad will know this is pissing you off and its exactly why he's doing it. So if you were to start reacting to it, you'd be rising to him.

But on the other hand, the only sure way to make sure he can't ever get to you again is to not have anything to do with anybody who is linked to him. Do you really want a boyfriend who won't stick up for you when you've been treated really badly anyway?

Reality16 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:54:58

You can't expect your boyfriend to fall out with your dad because you have.

Happybunny19 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:58:39

Does your bf just need the work and money?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Tue 24-Jan-17 17:00:42

As Bunny says...if the answer is no, he is out of order.

newstartamiready Tue 24-Jan-17 17:37:37

Thank you all for the replies.

Broody - you know my dads traits very well, he can seem charming etc and yes my boyfriend is still useful to him at the moment.

My boyfriend could do with the money at the moment, we were in a long distant relationship and he is in the process of moving to live with me so it will be helpful to have money coming in while he is getting settled and set up in a new location.

I don't feel that my boyfriend doesn't care about me, but I just think maybe as my family are quite messed up they would often say I am over reacting to things like this incident where my dad has been so horrible which leaves me feeling like his behavior is unacceptable so I have to stop talking to him! And if my boyfriend is happy to do work for my dad and chat to him as normal then it just reinstates their thoughts that's it's "not a big deal" or that I'm "being Over the top"

But at the same time I know he needs the money so I'm not trying to give him a hard time but maybe I just need to explain to him how I feel! But in another way I kind of just expect him to feel protective over me and our relationship as I am! As I've explained to him before too much involvement from my dad in our lives will cause a problem!

GTS Tue 24-Jan-17 17:45:51

You say your boyfriend is a nice person and forgiving. You can't then expect him to be different with your dad, just because the two of you fell out. And he's being paid, which you could perceive as benefiting you also.
Personally, I wouldn't expect him to go out on the lash with him, but I do think YABU to expect him to not speak to him or do any paid work.

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