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Anyone ever regretted divorce??

(30 Posts)
dm86 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:36:34

I asked my husband a fortnight or so ago that I wanted to separate and have some time apart. He refused. Accepted that he hadn't been an easy person to live with etc and the state of our marriage was his fault but that one more last chance and he promises he won't go back to how he has been. And if he does then he'll move out. I told him fine but he needed to give me space if he wasn't prepared to move out.

He's given me no space and he's being an absolute nightmare to live with. Swinging from being the nicest and best father/husband to being an arse coz I don't want sex with him etc.

If I come right out and just ask for a divorce has anyone ever regretted it? I'm just a bit of a mess right now and swing between crying/angry/depressed. We have 3 young dc and they are my biggest concern obviously.

donteverlookback Tue 24-Jan-17 20:20:35

Not me, it was a ticket out of hell smile

mya83 Tue 24-Jan-17 20:24:12

Not been there op but it sounds tough. Hope things work out one way or another for you flowers

AshesandDust Tue 24-Jan-17 20:26:38

My regret is not doing it years ago.

Mottlemoth Tue 24-Jan-17 20:29:20

Not one bit. Best thing I ever did.

My children and I live by ourselves now. I am currently sitting on the sofa MNing. The DCs are asleep. The house is clean and tidy. Nobody is picking fights with me, or sulking or pestering me for sex. I am not expected to wash another adults dirty socks. It's bliss.

Twiggy71 Tue 24-Jan-17 20:30:47

I wish I'd done it sooner too but i stuck my head in the sand thinking I'd get my kids raised first. It felt good when it came through it closed that chapter of my life.

ObvsNC Tue 24-Jan-17 20:32:11

Yes. Out of the frying pan in to the fire. Lost my financial security and didn't gain much else.

Hillfarmer Tue 24-Jan-17 20:37:10

N.B. OP you don't have to 'ask' for a divorce you know, you really don't.

If you've had enough just go to a family solicitor and ask them to start divorce proceedings against him. It seems like you have plenty of material for unreasonable behaviour already.

Pestering you for sex, he's really on best behaviour isn't he?

TrulyFubar Tue 24-Jan-17 20:37:20

I separated & divorced 17 years ago. Two years ago we got back together. Did I regret the divorce? Not at the time, no! I was the only adult in the relationship, he worked long shifts, I had 3 ds, one with Asperger's and I had no other family support. Our time apart has made him a better man and father. The man he is now is worth trying again. That's how it's worked out for me but I think this is an exception! I'm all for having a happy existence and if someone is ACTIVELY making you unhappy, get rid.

Hillfarmer Tue 24-Jan-17 20:39:19

P.s. And yes, divorce was my only option as I was married to a controlling emotional abuser. If you've got one of those, make sure you get a really tough solicitor with experience of abusive men, since they are just as abusive getting divorced as they are when they're married to you.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 24-Jan-17 20:41:15

No, not even for a nanosecond.

Wheelycote Tue 24-Jan-17 20:44:05

Sort of. Wish we'd separated and had time apart before I filed for divorce to see if we could've rescued it. I went to the divorce straight away which I think created a lot of hurt for him and signalled there was no going back. Looking back....I believe it was the right decision to split(can't believe I did it....just reckon it must've been bad.....I never give up on anything or anyone). There was no need to rush to file the paperwork.....I loved him and didn't wanna hurt him the way I did in the end. I was pretty brutal.

ALaughAMinute Tue 24-Jan-17 22:48:23

No way do I regret it. I've got the bed to myself. I'm a free agent and can do as I please. I can have casual sex if want to. I can eat what and when I like. And I don't have to tolerate living with an abusive miserable bastard anymore.

dm86 Tue 24-Jan-17 22:48:41

Thank you for everyone's reply. It is a horrible situation to be in but at the minute I just feel so down.

I'm on my phone so sorry I can't quote individual people but for the women who regretted it how bad was your marriage to begin with? Did you still love them?

I don't think I love him anymore. We just go round in circles and when he knows I've had enough of the way things he'll suddenly step up and be the husband/dad of the year.

I posted the below on another thread but it gives you an idea of why I've got to this point.He makes me doubt myself all the time and I feel like I'm going mad! How did you all manage financially? I've got 3 children under 7 and our house is mortgage and jointly owned. Not sure whether I can make him leave or not? Just anyone views is so much appreciated as this decision will affect the rest of my life sad

Previous comments:
Whether I can upset my 3 dc life just for the sake of my happiness. Whether I can put up with the constant nit picking and feeling like I am always defending myself. Whether I can put up with (very very occasional) outbursts and name calling (fucking idiot,fucking moron and fat bitch to name a few recent ones). Whether I can let go of the not being there for me when I had severe PND and not continue being resentful, if I can let go of the fact my career and what I wanted to do with my life is put on a back burner because he wanted a haulage business and I am expected to do all the admin/payroll/accounts because it's what he wanted. Never mind what I wanted. If I can forgive the fact I've had to be made bankrupt at the age of 30 because the last business he wanted didn't work out. If I can forget the jealousy and the constant snide remarks that I get. I can't be 100% honest with him the way I can with other people friends etc.

PurpleWithRed Tue 24-Jan-17 22:55:19

It is a big and difficult decision, and actually getting divorced is no picnic either. So take your time. Do some research, gather information before you do anything drastic. When you do initiate the process remember he will be very shocked and unprepared and things will be irrational for a while so don't force big decisions in a hurry. Good luck.

Afterthestorm Tue 24-Jan-17 23:03:48

Sorry for the brief answer, but no, you certainly don't ask for a divorce. If you decide thats what you want then you tell him and that's what you do.

Also, you are presuming your children will not be happy. If they carry on growing up in this environment they probably won't be happy either. They are young now and I'll adapt quickly. My children seem much happier and more content than they were before, I think they have a much better life post divorce, not as good as if it was a happy marriage, but it wasn't anyway.

Read up on emotional abuse and the Cycle of abuse and make your decision when you feel ready.

Runnngupthathill Tue 24-Jan-17 23:08:47

dm I haven't experienced divorce but reading your previous comments on your last post , no wonder you want to separate from him. He has put you through a lot of stress and doesn't seem to respect you if he calls you names like that. Hope things work out whatever you decide flowers

Darlink Wed 25-Jan-17 00:26:50

Yes. Really regret not trying harder.

SandyY2K Wed 25-Jan-17 00:35:20

Whether I can put up with (very very occasional) outbursts and name calling (fucking idiot,fucking moron and fat bitch to name a few recent ones).

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That is more than enough reason right there. I would have no desire to be with or have sex with a many who called me any of the above once.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 25-Jan-17 03:40:15

Kicking my ex out was the best thing I've ever done for both me and my kids. I begged and pleaded for years for him to go to counseling and he always refused. I didn't shed another tear after he left. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of me. I have now been married to the man of my dreams for almost six years, and my ex STILL begs for us to get back together. He threw his beautiful family away and he knows it. I wouldn't go back to him if hell froze over twice.

dm86 Wed 25-Jan-17 21:07:30

Thank you everyone for your messages and I agree with you all. I am so depressed and miserable right now and I'm not prepared to live like this any longer. I don't feel upset about it and just want him to go now so once he gets back I'm telling him (not asking!) that I want a divorce.

I know that it'll get harder before it gets better but I'm already feeling relieved and having made my decision. My kids will be fine as I'll make damn sure they are. Thank you again for your posts everyone and wish me luck confused

ponyprincess Wed 25-Jan-17 21:17:48


Anniegetyourgun Wed 25-Jan-17 22:14:41

Good luck dm86. There's life on the other side. You'll soon be living it.

lukasgrahamfan Wed 25-Jan-17 22:53:09

Yes. I asked him to go as a huge wake up call, nothing else was working. It backfired. We could have tried harder. Always been sad about it.

Afterthestorm Wed 25-Jan-17 23:11:10

Good luck fm, you can do it.

You sound absolutely miserable. Life will get better, I promise.

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