Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What do you do when they're wrong, apologise but it's still not ok

(39 Posts)
Abecedario Tue 24-Jan-17 15:59:52

Hi. As the title really D(ickhead)P is having a rotten time with work at the moment, very stressed and unhappy. He works from home and I'm off this week following an injury that has meant I'm not able to work - nothing major but enough to have me feeling sorry for myself. His reaction when I hurt myself was all 'what have you done NOW?' and not exactly supportive, which I called him on and he admitted and he has been really helpful and caring since, but it's interspersed with more grumpiness and like a pissed off attitude about it all that I don't understand. He says he's angry at the situation not me but - I don't get what there is to be angry about. I had a genuine accident, it was unfortunate but I'll heal. In the meantime work are supportive and I'll hopefully be back in next week?

He was a moody arse all day yesterday, I told him he was being unfair and he realised it and apologised, went to bed thinking all fine. This morning he's moody again, then over something really small and stupid he flipped. I didnt have enough cash needed to pay something that could only be paid cash (dog groomer), I asked him for the extra tenner and I'd get it out when up and about again he muttered and stomped about before thrusting it at me in a pissed off way. I said if it was a problem I'd pay it in online banking to his account right away, but couldn't help adding 'or call it your contribution to the food shop' (I'd just done online). So I get told 'you can go to your sister's, I've had fucking enough' cue more stomping about and slamming doors. I said 'what, because I needed to borrow a tenner that I'm about to put straight back in your account' and was told yes, more effing and blinding, more he'd had enough etc etc.

To avoid a drip feed it's his house, I pay half everything and we're saving to buy a place together. He's more cautious about money than me and can get stressy about it but there's nothing owing and it's not like I'm forever taking money off him, I just haven't left the house other than to go to minor injuries at the weekend so forgot/wasn't able to get cash out. It being his house makes me vulnerable and makes it Shitty of him to use that in an argument because he keeps telling me this is my home too blah blah but clearly not because he can actually just tell me to get out. I said 'do you really want me to go' he said yes then the groomer arrived so he went into his office and I dealt with that. Once she'd gone I hobbled upstairs to see him, he just glared at me so I started to throw some knickers in a bag because I really did just want to get out, called my sister and left a message asking her to ring me back because I'd need a lift as I can't drive due to the injury. Then he was all apologetic, tears, he's sorry, he doesn't know why he's so angry, he's stressed, it's not fair to take it out on me and he knows it blah blah. He says he's felt angry since I hurt myself, he doesn't know why, knows it's not the right reaction, he knows he's selfish, he's a weirdo, he doesn't understand it himself. He can be like this - he gets really anxious sometimes but it comes across as anger, usually at himself.

He's kept saying sorry throughout the day and can't do enough for me. He clearly wants me to say it's all ok but it's not. If I could drive anywhere I'd have gone anyway, and still got half a mind to get my sister to pick me up only I'm not sure I could face her house full of kids, grandkids etc etc and having to explain why I'm there.

It's not that he told me to get out really, I know he didn't mean it, I'm just pissed off with him stooping to that level because he knows it bothers me that I'm the one in the insecure position here.

And I'm just pissed off that since I fell and really fucking hurt myself, of which there is visible evidence on top of me hobbling about like an old crone, wincing in pain, he's been a moody grumpy bastard who suddenly developed a 'cold' and a 'headache' and didn't I know he didn't get much sleep and blah blah. Like he has to be the hard done to one even though it's actually me that's in pain. And I'm feeling guilty for inconveniencing him by hurting MYSELF! We want kids and I just think what if there's an issue, what if I get ill (my birth mother died from complications with childbirth), what if our child hurts themselves and wants daddy to kiss it better and gets a short response back instead? Is he going to stand there in the labour room and huff and stomp and complain about actually he's got a sore throat so this is really very hard for him. I say this to him and it's all 'I know I know, I won't be like that' but actions speak louder and all that.

We're good usually, good communication, he is affectionate, makes me laugh, makes a huge effort with my family and friends, compliments me, does sweet things like getting up early to defrost my car or cheers me on when I'm trying something new like running (off the cards for a while!) He can be so kind, thoughtful and considerate but then he has moments of being spectacularly selfish too, or just totally clueless about what I consider to be fairly basic parts of human interaction (e.g. If your loved one is hurt surely the immediate reaction is care and concern, not anger?) Sometimes can't do enough for me and has been so generous and thoughtful so many times, but then when I actually need him to help/do things for me it's all moods and poor him. (To a lesser extent he's been like this when I've been ill, or when the dog was - the response is anger, not as in screaming and throwing things but like pissed off rather than concern? Then when you tell him he's being unfair he realises and is caring again).

He does listen when I tell him he's upset me, he does try really hard. He is very sorry. I just can't say 'it's ok' because right now it's not. What do you say when it's like that? I don't want to leave, I love him lots and part of me wants to let it drop but he really really hurt my feelings and it's not ok. I've just said 'I know you're sorry' and 'we've both got some things to think about'. He's out now as he was visiting a relative then got his sport later this evening, which I've told him to go to as we could both use the space. I'm not going anywhere tonight realistically but I don't know long term.

God, this is so long and probably boring sorry!

broodybrooder Tue 24-Jan-17 16:15:45

My ExH turned out to be emotionally abusive and pretty bullying.

It didn't really start properly until we were married and I was pregnant.

I wish I'd heard those alarm bells and knew what red flags were when I had really horrible flu when we'd been together about 10 months. I was staying at his about an hours drive from mine and I woke up one morning and I couldn't get out of bed I was so ill. He was awful and moody, like I'd done it on purpose. And afterwards, explained that he's bad with 'illness' and doesn't know how to act around ill people, which I for some reason thought was acceptable.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when he was unsupportive during pregnancy, still left me to do everything when we were moving house and I got a vomiting bug etc etc.

He also got very stressy about money. And he would sometimes go in moods for days and I'd never really know the cause. He'd apologise and be so lovely and could never understand why I couldn't forgive and forget, because by the end, he'd worn me down so much, I hated him.

There are people who are not very empathetic with illness and injuries and are quite inpatient and it doesn't mean they're abusive or bad people, but to me, these signs he can be uncaring and moody are things to keep a very close eye on.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Tue 24-Jan-17 16:17:22

He can be so kind and thoughtful, except when you're in pain and at your most vulnerable.

Would you truly trust him to look after you or a future child if it was needed?

I can understand that vague feeling of "oh god! Why did this accident have to happen?!", but that would be immediately overwhelmed by "but poor dh is in pain. What's done is done, let's look after him and get things back on track".

I would actually go and stay with your sister for a few days and have a think. If you don't deal with this now then you'll always know you're alone in a crisis. And that's not how relationships should be.

Gallavich Tue 24-Jan-17 16:27:23

This is absolutely awful behaviour and you're right that saying sorry doesn't wipe it out. I'd think very hard about buying a place and having kids with him.

Hissy Tue 24-Jan-17 16:28:54

Take this as your cue to exit stage right asap.

He's vile and unsupportive and WILL only get worse.

He's using this brief time where your vulnerable to heap vile behaviour on you.

Fuck his apology! He's only saying it to stop you leaving. Not because he wants you happy and in his life, no. It's because he's wasted all that time getting you on the hook, if you go he'll have to fake being nice again to your replacement

Trust me, you can do nothing better in your life than hobble away at top speed and never look back.

Nice guys would do exactly the opposite of what he's done. You do know this, right?

Abecedario Tue 24-Jan-17 16:30:49

Thank you broody, I'm sorry you experienced that, hope you're away and happy now.

I understand what you mean and I agree, the classic if someone else was telling me this I'd be hearing alarm bells type thing. All I can say is, right now taking everything into account the good far outweighs the bad. That doesn't mean this bad is ok though, or that I can live with someone who I can't trust to support me through the hard times. I think I can, because he is actually supportive in the end, but it's like I have to remind him every time. It's like 'ok, here's what an adult human would generally do in this situation' and he's like 'oh right, I'll do that then'. But what does it say about him that that's not what his instincts tell him.

I strongly suspect his dad to be on the autistic spectrum (with the caveat of course that I'm not qualified to make that judgement) and his mum has said in a private moment that she thinks similarly. Lovely man, no anger in him that I can see, but I do think some of DP's odd anxieties and the way he reacts to certain things are similar to his dad.

Adora10 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:31:01

Sorry it wouldn't wash with me, actions always speak louder than words; he's angry because he doesn't value you or see you as his equal, both very worrying; you're ill and vulnerable but yet a total inconvenience to him, that's so wrong, you'd be mad to have kids with him; he's not even able to be a team player as it is.

Abecedario Tue 24-Jan-17 16:33:08

Gosh, lots of missed replied there!

Thank you for all of them. I'm sad they all seem to be saying something I really don't want to be true, but I will take them on board promise. I think I definitely need some space either way.

PaintingOwls Tue 24-Jan-17 16:35:53

Go to your sister's and recover in peace. He can control himself he's just choosing not to with you and is using you as a human emotional punching bag.

Get away from him. Even if you want to stay together a week away will be good for you.

broodybrooder Tue 24-Jan-17 16:37:55

^^ Take note of what Hissy said.

She was one of the ones who said some very similar things to me when I first started posting on MN (under a different name then).

The thing that took me so long to wake up to it all was the periods of absolute loveliness and the genuine and prolonged apologies.

He probably really does think he cares about you, but the fact he has behaved in such an uncaring way probably signals that he can't actually care about anybody as much as himself, no matter how good he is at pretending he does.

One of the things that did it for me was when I thought about this contradiction between the way he could act sometimes and how he'd actually behave...I asked myself...even though he talks the talk, has ever actually come through for me? The answer was no, in actual fact, whenever I'd needed him, he'd made me feel shit and it ended up being all about him.

And they've always got an excuse..or there's always one you can make for them...he's having a bad time at work so that's why he's being horrible this week. Just keep remember OP, he is an adult and knows exactly how he should behave, he chooses not to.

And those awful things he said to you? Another sign of someone who is pretty awful actually is when they go straight for the jugular? You said he knows that's your particular insecurity. Of course he did and that's why he said. People in a loving and equal relationship don't do that, even when they argue. People only do that when they want to put you in yourt place.

SheldonsSpot Tue 24-Jan-17 16:41:33

Do you know what... you'd be an utter fool to have kids with this guy, the red flags are slapping you hard in the face.

You'd be an even bigger fool to have kids with him whilst unmarried and living in a property that is in his name only.

I suspect you're going to go ahead and make a baby anyway, so at least get a wedding ring on your finger before you do. And plan to go back to work asap after having the child.

Good luck.

BigBadWolves Tue 24-Jan-17 16:42:57

My dad was sort of like this when my brother sister or I hurt ourselves. He would get cross with us, but I think it was just that he struggled with the idea we had been hurt and he couldn't prevent it. He sounds a bit petulant, and I wouldn't necessarily think buying a house together is the best plan unless you feel you will be happy with his moods.

Sounds like he's stressed out, but there's not a lot he can do other than apologise and try and change his ways.

Mix56 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:52:49

Sadly I agree, why would you not heed all those warning bells ?
I would go to your sisters, enjoy the friendly company. & & have a long hard think. (of course he will be sobbing & grovelling for forgiveness, try & it's the script, ignore)
Do not have a child with this person

Abecedario Tue 24-Jan-17 16:58:52

I'm listening honest. Thanks for the advice. Definitely no plans to conceive whilst house situation is as it is, and obviously not at all if he doesn't show me he can change - which I accept he might not.

My friend has arrived with chocolate and trashy magazines to cheer me up (a normal reaction to someone you care about being hurt!) so I'm not on for a bit.

Happybunny19 Tue 24-Jan-17 17:06:55

Or he could just be suffering from stress at the moment and the thought of more responsibility while you're out of action tipped him over the edge. If this is not his usual behaviour I would let it go, but if it's his usual response when you're ill I too would think again before starting a family.

laundryelf Tue 24-Jan-17 17:22:59

He told you to get out, even though he knows how vulnerable you are feeling living in his house! He had even decided where you should go so he had thought about what he was saying. He knew you were injured and unable to drive yourself but wanted you out of his way regardless of any difficulties it would cause you.
Please take notice of these red flags, you cannot trust or depend on him, I would make plans to leave as soon as you recover.

scottishdiem Tue 24-Jan-17 17:29:53

It looks like a change to routine has really thrown him out of kilter. Which would make me wonder about kids in the future to be honest.

SenseiWoo Tue 24-Jan-17 17:44:09

He hasn't got your back when you are down. He is good at tearful apologies but lapses back into the angry behaviour almost immediately. He can't explain it and 'doesn't know' why he does it (which is what people say when they don't want to admit or examine their behaviours). He is 'cautious' and 'stressy' about money (I suspect this amounts to not liking to share or spend it). He tells you he knows he is 'selfish' and a 'weirdo'.

Believe him.

I couldn't possibly say 'stay' or 'leave'. If you do stay, though, all the above needs to be thrashed out. Make sure your underlying assumptions about how you will live, who does what, what to do with money and how family life should be, are compatible with his.

Are you going to get a share in the house? How will you each protect your financial interests? Have you got the same values? Are you allowed to be moody and rude like him? What happens if you are?

What proportion of the time does he spend being an arsehole and can you live with that?

springydaffs Tue 24-Jan-17 18:03:17

I didn't read your op in the way pp's seem to be. I read it that he's exploding with stress, it's got the better of him, you being at home (so he doesn't feel he can get in the zone with his work?) was the final straw.

Couples don't have to be joined at the hip. I think it's a good idea to go to your sisters. The fact the house is his name is irrelevant imo. Just get away from each other for a bit.

Abecedario Tue 24-Jan-17 18:50:30

springydaffs I have to admit that's how I'm reading the situation, which really doesn't make it ok but I do believe it's more an explosion of stress rather than him actually caring so little about me or wanting to hurt me. I suppose you can say that I would want to see it that way, but he really has come through for me in the past and shown love, respect, care etc. Not just in the past but most of the time - does his fair share of housework, more probably. Stood up for me when people have been wrong. Really helped when I was job hunting and down about it. Brings me a cup of tea in the morning. Takes the dog out to let me in. Picks me up from the airport/station etc. Supports me in my goals. Encourages me to see friends/family. Came with me the first time I was seeing some family after a bit of an estrangement and I was nervous, cancelling his own arrangements to do so.

Now I sound like I'm making excuses and brushing it all aside. I'm not, I guess just illustrating how it's all the more confusing/upsetting when this happens.

I'm not going anywhere tonight because frankly my foot kills, I've taken some painkillers and all I want is my own bed (to myself, I shall suggest he sleeps in the spare room as he has to avoid knocking me anyway since I've hurt my foot/leg). I think tomorrow I'll tell him that as I'm clearly stressing him out, and as I need to recover somewhere I can relax and not worry about pissing him off again that I will go to my friend's for a few nights so we can both have a think about things. Not my sister, love her to bits but she has a houseful and doesn't need me cluttering up the place.

springydaffs Tue 24-Jan-17 18:58:36

I suppose he's finding it hard, impossible, to say ' I don't want you here, please go away '. Not bcs he doesn't want YOU bit bcs he needs to be on his own to get on with his work.

I know if I'm working from home, up against it with a big assignment I'm very anxious about, I could have the screaming an dabs if someone threatens to stay at home, for whatever reason. I just need to be ALONE to get on with it.

Allfednonedead Tue 24-Jan-17 19:45:29

If it helps, my lovely, supportive DH (I have major MH issues, so I really know I can rely on him) is a bit like this when I'm physically sick.

It makes him really grumpy and competitively ill. I don't really understand what's going on, but as he has amply proved on numerous occasions that he cares deeply and will not let me down in the big things, I've learned to live with it.
I'd still be wary, in your case, but it does sound like springydaffs might be right and it's about his stress levels.

Kittencatkins123 Tue 24-Jan-17 20:09:02

Sorry OP (and extra sorry because of your poor foot) but I think this behaviour is really worrying. If my OH hurt himself I'd be going out of my way to help and support him. Not snapping at him over tiny and inconsequential things that most partner's would be happy to help with (e.g. 'Loaning' a tenner that it sounds like he owes you anyway!). Maybe he is stressed at work but that's not an acceptable reason to be horrible to someone in pain and vulnerable. Also it sounds (and sorry if I'm reading this wrongly) like he's been like this before?

A good partner is supportive and kind, and if stressed leans on you not snaps at you. In this scenario he could offer you physical support, you emotional. Instead he's snapping, being a twat about money and asking you to leave!

Please don't minimise his behaviour. Ask yourself would you ever do this? And think about how much nicer it would be to have a kind, supportive, giving partner (like you sound to be!)

I won't say LTB (though in honesty, I probably would) but agree with PP - you have to tackle this head on, not pretend it isn't a problem, 'it's just stress' etc.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!
flowers cake

AnyFucker Tue 24-Jan-17 20:15:48

My take on this is your unplanned stint at home has put the kibosh on something dodgy he had planned

His reaction is extreme.

scoobydoo1971 Wed 25-Jan-17 10:03:27

Regardless of whether your partner is having a bad stressed out time or not, you have time at home now to reflect on your living arrangements. While you may see yourself marrying him and having kids with him, you should be aware that kids - even the best in the world - are stressful and a huge life adjustment. Throw in child sickness, lack of sleep, body and mood won't be much fun for you if you are parenting with an unsupportive husband.

You have left yourself wide-open to financial exploitation in this relationship. His name is on the house so all that money you are giving him counts for nothing if you separate. Your house-purchase savings should not be in a joint bank account or his bank account as he could take the lot if you break-up, and a legal fight would be expensive. You may think everything will be ok, but you have got to plan for an exit option too and having the capital to put a roof over your head from your own savings if you need to start again.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now