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OH family disowned my daughter

(73 Posts)
user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:02:35

Hello, was just wondering if anybody has been or is in this situation and Looking for some advice.

Basically I have been with my Partner for 4 years now and have a 2 year old child together. Before being with me, my husband was divorced from a 15 year marriage with two kids by his ex wife.
My Partners family are very close to her, they basically love her, and have disowned me and my daughter because of her and this frustrates me, as my daughter is innocent.
Yesterday I got angry with the situation and decided to call them. blush
this was clearly a mistake as he's father could not even remember my daughters name which infuriated me more, they believe me and my partner should make the effort with them, contact them, go to see them, but they have never once tried to have a relationship with my daughter. it was her birthday last week and nothing from my partners whole family.

Do I stay with my partner and see if things change, should I end it with my partner because the stress of his family causes problems between us, as he always defends them whenever i bring up the conversation, or should I stay with my partner and completely cut his family out of my daughters life, and move on and forget them as they are clearly set in their way and don't believe they are doing anything wrong by disregarding their granddaughter, but still have great relationships with all their other grandchildren?

LIZS Tue 24-Jan-17 11:11:27

Where does your partner stand on this? Why isn't he calling them on it? It isn't your decision to make alone.

user1484317265 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:14:18

So you don't contact them or go to see them, at all? You think it should be all one way, from them?

TheUpsideDown Tue 24-Jan-17 11:20:34

My father's whole side of the family entirely cut me and my siblings off when he and my mother divorced and he couldn't be arsed to be our father any more. As far as I'm concerned people like that aren't worth the effort and the anger, regardless of them technically being 'family'. I genuinely see it as their loss. I'm a nice person, with children of my own and a fantastic husband. They're the ones who have missed out on sharing all the love and joy of my family, and my siblings families. I'm better off without poison like that in my life.

I choose not to be bitter or angry, I don't cry or brood over it. I refuse to let it taint my future and my happiness. As far as I'm concerned we just share some DNA. But I did hurt for a long time and I do understand your frustration.

Why does your husband defend them though? Isn't he as frustrated and upset as you? Does he still see his family?

user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:39:26

we made the effort to travel up to the lake district to visit them last year, it was horribly awkward and seemed like they couldn't wait for us to go however it was nice to see my daughter getting attention off of her grand parents, but they also complained that they couldn't talk to their son properly because i was always there, (although they invited me :S). I understand they may not like me, or want anything to do with me, thats fine, but I don't understand how a whole family can just ignore a sweet little innocent child, because their son is not with his ex wife anymore. I understand also it isn't easy for a family when a divorce happens, but this was over 6 years ago now. and I actually feel sorry for my OH as his family have decided to side with his ex wife. My OH still sees his children from her, still pays for everything ETC, its not as if he's had a baby with me and ignores his life before he met me.
My OH doesn't really comment, he just says nothing, or walks away when I bring up the conversation, Or ends up in us arguing about it.
They also send him messages once in a while, like: hi son, r u ok? we miss u and if u ever need us We r here. but no mention of my daughter.
And Thankyou THEupsideDown I completely agree, and think also rather then wasting my time worrying about those who don't care, that i Should just move on and Focus on the things and people that matter and do care.
I just find it hard to understand how grandparents can not care about their grandchild.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Tue 24-Jan-17 11:41:24

My ILs are like this - ex wife can do no wrong. No contact with them for years now, but its their loss. If they would rather play happy families with grandkids that aren't blood related, and ignore the ones that are, then we're better off without them.

user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:44:39

Ok well at least I'm not alone in this situation, I knew he had an ex wife when we met etc, but didn't think he's family would turn out like this, especially after the way he used to talk about his family when we first met.

Definitely there loss, Im sure wen their older they will hopefully look back and feel regret. but i doubt it, seems their totally set in their stubborn selfish ways. sad shame.

LIZS Tue 24-Jan-17 11:50:03

Do you think it is because you aren't married so they don't perceive a commitment. Does ex and his dc live closer by?

Trollspoopglitter Tue 24-Jan-17 11:54:59

It would make me wonder just what great height he shat on his ex wife and his children? His own parents side with his ex at divorce. Don't you wonder why?

It's not that they don't like you, it's that they don't like their own son.

They couldn't properly talk to him because I suspect they tried to be polite around you and couldn't give him a piece of their mind with you around.

Do you not see this or you're just focuses on yourself and how people react to you?

xStefx Tue 24-Jan-17 11:56:47

If your Dh is a good partner other than this then stay and cut them off and let them know in no uncertain terms that you think they are childish and don't want anything to do with people like that either.

I think its disgusting that your DH doesn't say anything to his parents about them not sending his own child a birthday card though, what a coward he is... sorry

user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:58:47

i don't think its because were not married, i think its because they can't accept the fact their son wasn't in love with his ex anymore and broke up. maybe they feel their protecting her by disregarding me and our daughter.

they live in the lake district and his ex lives in Dubai, which they make conscious efforts to go and visit twice a yr and have her go and stay at theirs with the children throughout the summer holidays.

Ouriana Tue 24-Jan-17 12:03:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:03:34

I would love to tell them what I think however I believe they probably want me to do this so I can be named the Bad Person, or the person to blame in years to come when my daughters ask me and her dad, or half bro and sister why her nan and granddad don't speak to her but talk with them. The longer it gets the harder it will be for my daughter and her grandparents to have a relationship. so maybe they have made it clear in the two years she has been alive that they don't want anything to do with her or us

user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:04:53

yes i think no contact, however wen i see messages from my OH family to him, and he replies, i feel he is not supporting me or standing by me, although its none of my business I guess

Bluntness100 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:07:35

The other kids are their grandkids too, right, so the issue is they are not involved in your child, their other grandkids life.

There is nothing wrong with them being in the other kids life, in fact there is everything right with it. The question would be why are they not also accepting you and uour child.

user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:13:21

yes of course its ok for them to have a relationship with their 5 other Grandchildren, and its also Fine if they want nothing to do with their grand daughter from me, it is their loss, my daughter is not missing out as its not like they were in her life then suddenly disowned her. they have never wanted to be in her life since the day she was born, they didn't see her till she was 1 and a half and haven't seen or asked about her since. Unfortunately

user1485253407 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:15:33

this is also my first serious relationship, never married, no other children, so i guess I'm just disappointed that i will never experience being apart of my OH family, as family is important to me.

mouldycheesefan Tue 24-Jan-17 12:23:18

It's very hard on your dh that his parents don't want to see his child. To be honest I don't know why you bother with them. Leave them to it. They are causing you pain, stop visiting them you are flogging a dead horse

DisgruntledGoat Tue 24-Jan-17 12:26:52

I would have to say something. I'd write a letter saying how disappointed and disgusted am I with their attitude towards their own grandchild and that it was their loss which they would probably regret. Grandparents become a whole lot less relevant as kids grow up, the perfect relationship they have now with their other grandchildren will be over soon enough and your daughter would be another chance for them to have something to love and spoil as gp's should. I'm so sorry for you and your daughter but I'd just wash my hands of them now and let them regret their decisions at their leisure.

Headofthehive55 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:27:39

IT happens in other families too. Some grandchildren are more equal than others.
I think often some grandparents try to make up for the loss of a parent or a divorce etc.

TheMysteriousJackelope Tue 24-Jan-17 12:30:24

Your daughter is two. She doesn't miss these people having never known them. At this point she will only get upset if she sees you and her father arguing about these people she doesn't even know. By stressing over this you are making the situation worse for her. If family is important to you make sure your DD is in regular contact with as many relatives in your extended family as is possible. You can also make your own 'family' through good friends.

This isn't personal, I suspect they would react the same to anyone new in their son's life.

One thing your OH does need to consider is at some point your DD is going to be doing school projects such as family trees. What is he going to say to her when she asks him 'Why don't we ever see granny and granddad?'. Personally I'd leave them to get on with it and focus on your side of the family, but your OH does need to have an answer for the questions that will arise from your daughter.

Peanutbutterrules Tue 24-Jan-17 12:30:36

Same here. Ex wife is best friends with SIL. All efforts we made to be friendly, invite to dinner etc etc politely refused yet we hear from my step kids about endless 'family' outings and parties. Very hard

I've given up now. Sod it. They don't know our daughter at all. They are missing out. We never wanted them to chose; they could have any relationships they wanted but they just chose not to engage because they couldn't forgive my DH for leaving such a 'wonderful' person. And no...I wasn't involved in the breakup and came along years later.

Baylisiana Tue 24-Jan-17 12:32:51

If I have understood correctly, your DP was divorced when you met him, and so his family don't have any negative associations about you being on the scene at the time of the marriage ending. I think they need to accept that their son has made his decisions and that neither you or your daughter had anything to do with them.

All the adults need to put the children first, they deserve relationships with their family and with each other. Obviously right now they are on different continents, but they are siblings and a relationship should be nurtured.

jojo2916 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:33:16

If my ils treated my child like this and my dp was ok with it I would not want to be with him anymore

inniu Tue 24-Jan-17 12:34:46

Why are the step children going to your in laws for holidays why are they not coming to their Dads? Are the step children with you often? Do your inlaws call or visit while the step children are with you?

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