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Am I unreasonable

(32 Posts)
user1485245228 Tue 24-Jan-17 08:36:53

This is a first for me, I have never posted on anything like this before.
I am doing so now because I am in danger of destroying my relationship if I don't get some perspective.
I am afraid the background is a little long winded.

I have been with my GF for 5 years now, we don't live together but I did move from Wales to be closer to her 6 months in.

We met when both of us were in failed relationships. Mine was a long distance, where she lived in Scandinavia, after a few years of this going nowhere I had had enough. My GF on the other side was married ( I didn't know this when we first met as she only ever mentioned her son not a husband), they hadn't slept with other for 2 years and he was constantly working 6 - 7 days a week.
We had a brief affair, which she didn't really try and hide, in the end she had to file for divorce because he wouldn't.

As you settle down you findout about your partners past, hers led me to be nervous, basically her husband had been the only "real relationship" she had had. But in the 23 years they were together she had had multiple affairs.

Now I have insecurity issues mainly related to my childhood, so I can be over suspicious unnecessarily.

So to the meat of the problem, I know the names of 4 of the men she has slept while married; 3 of these were friends in her FB list.
I had kind of accepted that fact reluctantly I might add, as none of them had contacted her at that time.
About 18 months ago one of them did send her a message, when she changed her status to separated. Wanting to prove to her that these men only wanted to stay in touch to restart an affair, I suggested she respond within in 3 messages he was caller her babe and such things. At that point I asked her to remove them, she refused saying that it meant nothing, I left it there though was uneasy. Last october another one of these men contacted her, she did show me the part of the message and said I could see if I wanted ( the opportunity didn't arise for me to do so), what she say subsequently told me was he had asked to meet up, she said she replied in the negative and deleted the message.
This led to another heated discussion about these so called friends and after calling me controlling etc, reluctantly removed two of them from her profile.

Now two weeks ago I notice her on FB while she was at work, so being noisey I had a look at her page and noticed a new friend. This was another man that she had not only slept with but had an emotional affair with aswell. I must I didn't behave very well at completely lost it. She said the request was sometime ago and forgot about and didn't tell me as she knew how upset it makes me. She had deleted the message so have no idea what he said.

I a have now become overly suspicious and anxious as this person works at the same place as her and questioning.

Look forward to your views and happy to add more detail, just to say that this has almost led to us breaking up, I have taken it upon myself to get counselling form what I see as my issues this doesn't start until March and I have constant anxiety over this.

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 24-Jan-17 08:44:53

You need to be with someone you trust. It's that simple. You either trust someone (and therefore have no reason to go checking up on their online activities) or you don't. If you don't trust them, why are you with them?

TokenGinger Tue 24-Jan-17 08:48:16

The top and tale of it is, you don't trust her and you should not be with somebody you don't trust.

In the whole scheme of things, having past conquests as friends on Facebook is fine for me. I have previous partners or FWB on there.

But coupled with her previous behaviour, I can see why you'd be uneasy.

Whether she or you are right or wrong has no bearing in my opinion. You just should not be with somebody that you do not trust.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Jan-17 08:48:52

Well... being with this woman is seriously messing with your mental health.
So why be there?
Why put yourself through this?
No trust = no relationship

user1485245228 Tue 24-Jan-17 09:01:26

Thank you your replies so far.
Here is where I am at though I want to trust her as as yet I cannot see has done anything wrong per se.

Strange at this may seem but this latest issue has brought me closer to her and given me a drive to face issues from my childhood.

But how do switch from where I am now to trust.

pocketsaviour Tue 24-Jan-17 09:05:56

You're in a relationship with a woman who doesn't do monogamy.

When she told you about all her multiple affairs, what did you say? Because I think she was basically saying "This is who I am, we are never going to be exclusive."

If monogamy is an essential for you, you're going to need to find someone else. This woman is never going to stick to one sexual partner.

Joysmum Tue 24-Jan-17 09:15:57

You're missing the point, she is somebody who doesn't do monogamy.

She could go with anyone, not just previous partners, so trying to police her contact with previous partners is the least of your worries!

user1485245228 Tue 24-Jan-17 09:29:38

Hi Pocketsaviour - Well she had various reasons, some was when she was young and just having fun. Other because she wasn't happy at home, her husband had kicked her during a disupt not sure what over, which ended up her having to get it checked out at A&E.

She has said, she has not intention on jeopardizing our relationship together.

Introvertedbuthappy Tue 24-Jan-17 09:38:15

If she has no intention of jeapordising your relationship then why is she keeping ex-conquests who are clearly after one thing? I have some exes or people I have slept with on FB as they have also been friends, but when one messaged me inappropriately (calling me a pet name from our relationship and reminiscing and asking to meet up) I deleted him and told my DH.

I would worry more that as PP says, she doesn't do monogamy. Clearly she told you about her affairs, was this matter of fact or did she show regret in any way? I think if it was the first then she was actually telling you how she is in relationships. Having to check messages, seek constant reassurance is no way to live your life, I would move on.

WellErrr Tue 24-Jan-17 09:45:50

She cheated with you.

She'll cheat ON you, judging by her behaviour.

If you're ok with this, stay. If you're not, leave. Not much else to say really.

user1485245228 Tue 24-Jan-17 10:32:25

So you don't think that she can change and be different with me than she was with her husband, as she has got older and wiser.

Happybunny19 Tue 24-Jan-17 10:44:20

She cheated on her husband throughout their 23 years together and used the script on you that her and her husband weren't sleeping together. I wouldn't trust anything she says. Finish it now while you retain some dignity, she will screw up soon if she isn't already.

user1485245228 Tue 24-Jan-17 10:47:21

Well I have to say she was right about the not sleeping together, I have been in his presence when she has said it to his face and at no point did he deny the fact.

WellErrr Tue 24-Jan-17 10:47:46

Why on earth would she change?

dibly Tue 24-Jan-17 11:08:56

Sorry but I don't think anyone can give you the answers you need. You either have a really honest chat voicing your concerns, and agree to work on your trust and honesty together, or you let the relationship go.

I'm friends with exes on Facebook, DH isn't (his choice, he's just less nosey than me) but when we got together we just agreed, no games, no flirting, just honesty. Our relationship is still far from perfect, but we have stuck to those rules.

CMamaof4 Tue 24-Jan-17 11:20:36

Honestly I wouldn't trust someone if they did the things to me that you are experiencing, Go with your gut instinct, her history isn't great is it, Some people just aren't made for monogamy, Shes sounds like one of them.
There are millions of people on this planet don't waste your time on someone that makes you feel like that.

InTheMoodForLove Tue 24-Jan-17 11:22:38

OP it's great that you have taken action to deal with past/on going personal insecurities

However, and I am sure it will emerge as you start your therapy, you will have to explore and understand why you would want to commit and "save" someone who is not as committed as you sound

The fact that you moved to be closer to her but never actually lived together was the first red flag I saw in your post

Focus on yourself and your well being, pls do not turn into an obsessive stalker. March is only round the corner. And as PP said, either accept a non-exclusive relationship or detach

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:07:31

Absolute madness.

Either you love her enough to put up with cheating or you don't. Either you want to spend your life justifying both of your questionable behaviours, or you don't. There's no point dallying over who she has on Facebook and who messaged her throughout her marriage or when she became single. This is who she is. Either you accept it or you walk away because she isn't going to change.

People perhaps mellow as they get older, perhaps they're more patient or less rash. People don't, however, spend 23 married years having affairs then suddenly think "hmmm, today I will mostly be monogamous". Either you believe in monogamy or you don't. She doesn't. You do.

sotiredbutworthit Tue 24-Jan-17 12:11:13

She is a cheat. She has cheated multiple times. You don't trust her ( I don't blame you). You can't salvage this relationship. I'm sorry but I think you need to move on, it's not fair on either of you. Good luck mate. You deserve someone who has earned your trust.

Surreyblah Tue 24-Jan-17 12:17:18

Therapy is a good idea. Moving locations so soon in a relationship wasn't sensible, and nor was staying with someone who had lied about being single.

user1485245228 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:47:42

I am no angel myself I left my wife after 13 years (we were married young had a child early on and had constant money issues), and the week that I did so ended up sleeping with someone else, but I never cheated while we were together.

I read these responses and they are not at all what I was expecting.
I thought that women would unite and say I was being unreasonable.

As that is what her friends are saying when she tells them about me wanting her not to have these type of people on her FB list.

I would say I have no real evidence that she has done anything wrong since we have been together and this could all be paranoia based on my insecurities, which she does voice often.

I would say in her defense she never told me was single I just assumed it, as she didn't wear a ring or mention a partner, but she did tell me during our first real date out. So maybe I should have backed off.

Moving closer was convenient as I was spending more time in the area with work, we didn't move it together as her divorce was protracted. Her divorce was only finalized 18 months ago. I suppose during that time, my own issues made me reluctant to commit moving in.

I have suggested couples counselling which she didn't discount.

Surreyblah Tue 24-Jan-17 12:48:46

So you moved away from your Dc to live near a new gf?!

Crap if so.

Surreyblah Tue 24-Jan-17 12:49:12

I meant counselling for yourself. Some poor choices.

user1485245228 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:51:50

No, my Ex-wife moved to the Netherlands 6 months after our divorce and took the kids with her.

Happybunny19 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:55:31

If you need counselling already forget it, it's doomed. You do know relationships, particularly at the beginning, should be fun and rewarding don't you? This much drama is probably great for her, as the thrill of sneaking around having affairs is her thing.

You won't simply get female solidarity here, you asked for opinions on your circumstances and that's what you've got. She won't change now she's free. If she's getting attention from her ex lovers she's likely to get worse.

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