Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Finding the strength to say 'go'

(32 Posts)
Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 07:25:24

Hi all. I married my husband in March last year. For reasons I look back on now and don't understand I chose to forgive him when he firstly kissed a work colleague and then two weeks after I found out, slept with her. I have had issues in the past with compromising myself like this for fear of what I dont know. I chose to go ahead with the marriage. He has since said my lack of trust last year was unbearable and I also make him feel small yet I have no idea why as he can't give specifics. This led to him telling an old friend he wasn't married (reason he didn't want his ex wife to find out or she would start hassling him) and then going on dating websites. His reason - I wouldn't talk. My perception - I don't recall him trying to talk or once telling me he was miserable and our marriage was making him so unhappy either way it's no reason to do what he did. Least of all the second time was three days after promising he wouldnt do it again. We went to our first therapy session last night and he opened up a lot about his previous hurts but I'm not sure I can go through anymore. I'm suffering with anxiety and low mood and though I'm fighting it it's tiring and I am so angry with him. I'm sorry I've rambled a bit but I'm not sure if these feelings are because subconsciously I want him out. He's now suffering with depression and anxiety which doesn't help my feelings. Any thoughts or advice?

theothercatpurred Tue 24-Jan-17 07:29:51

Your title says it. This marriage will not be fulfilling or make you happy. It's about finding the strength to leave.

He''s treated you appallingly but it sounds like it's all about him.

Have you got any RL support? Have you told anyone about him cheating on you?

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 07:39:53

I'm guessing RL is real life (sorry!) Yes my sister is my rock though she lives an hour away she is always there. She knows and is furious - wants me to tell him to sod off but respecting how I'm feeling too. I have two other friends who know one thinks I should try make a go of it as he is so sorry the other is sad for me as she thought he was one of the nice guys. I'm waiting for CBT for anxiety and starting to up my exercise and eat better etc to try help with the low mood.

ThirdThoughts Tue 24-Jan-17 07:44:02

Did you get a chance to speak about the infidelity or your feelings about the relationship or did he suck the whole session into his pity party?

Are his prior hurts to do with your (justified) distrust or his previous relationships?

You can still decide to end it because you don't trust him and don't think its working. You don't have to stay just because you didn't leave immediately.

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 08:03:57

No the session was a bit of a fact finding one and his family/relationship history is rather complicated so the therapist spent a lot of time with him - he did get upset. I spoke less. His upsets are around family mainly - he blames himself for his sisters death (he was 4 she saved him from being run over but was hit ) and he was in the UK when both his patents died and he couldn't get home in time for the funerals (romanian and burial is v soon after death). He's not had it easy but that is no excuse.

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 12:14:52

I've just re read my last post and it was very much about him and not our marriage. I guess I'm struggling with the anxiety and feeling low (though conversely underneath it all I feel fine and just want to get back to being me) and then thinking about him is causing me to feel worse. Catch 22.

tipsytrifle Tue 24-Jan-17 13:03:50

(underneath it all I feel fine and just want to get back to being me) and then thinking about him is causing me to feel worse.

All your posts but especially what I quoted above are not the display of a catch 22 at all. I think you're resisting, for now, that your deep inner self knows exactly what she wants/needs to do. You have the strength already but fear is holding you back. That's what makes you sick and anxious - the denial of your Self. For what it's worth, I think this situation was always inevitable because he isn't quite as nice/honourable as you hoped when you went ahead with the marriage.

Adora10 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:07:34

Bottom line is he betrayed your trust and is still untrustworthy, you may find your anxiety shifts once you get rid of this loser, sorry but he doesn't sound in the least repentant, just blames you for his shit behaviour instead.

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 13:11:39

Tipsytrifle you are so right. Adora10 nail on head. I'm scared. What of I don't know. I spent years on my own bringing up my boys and I was happy and content.

tipsytrifle Tue 24-Jan-17 13:30:20

Is there any way you can reassure yourself that you know all you need to know about being independent again? I know it sounds a bit mad but talk to yourself like a friend, perhaps? Start the planning on how this ending can be put into action? Like, would he do the leaving or you and dc? What would need to happen to finances? That kind of thing? I wonder sometimes if the stress/adrenalin/energy of unhappy situations gets channelled into getting "stuck" rather than moving toward a solution. Just random thoughts about how you might reach your inner voice and decision-maker.

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 14:42:15

Thanks tipsy. I've already checked and the home is housing association amd in my name only and as it has been my home for 23 years I'll be staying. We have no children and mine are now 28 and 23 and long gone (one to Sydney) so the only the to sort is finances and that's not difficult. I may need to take in a lodger to help but that's ok. Stuck is exactly how I feel so that makes so much sense.

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:32:29

Wow it really is all about him! Just told him I haven't felt this low and anxious for years and he said' you felt this way all last year' er no its only since all this hit the fan at Xmas. Response was 'drop me off I'm walking home'. Supportive? Really? I rang and asked wtf was his problem to ehich he replied all you want to do is argue and pressure me into making a decision about us! This man is in the caring profession ffs. He has no empathy at all! Apologies for shameless rant but I'm so angry. Where is my strength

Adora10 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:46:45

So far he's had an affair, made out he is single and has been on dating sites, and all your fault for not paying him enough attention and STFU about his dirty little bits on the side.

Where is your strength OP, when is enough, enough for you?

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:51:28

Written like that I just feel a fool. I'm a 47 year old strong bloody woman who needs to find her bollocks.

kittybiscuits Tue 24-Jan-17 16:54:56

I think it's time for you to let him go. You will feel relief. It's really hard to know when enough is enough, went someone has zero regard for you and messes with your head. I would suspect that focusing on childhood distress was a way to deflect attention from him being a cheat and also to make you feel sorry for him so you don't kick his ass out which is exactly what he deserves.

kittybiscuits Tue 24-Jan-17 16:56:04

Hoping you locate your bollocks more or less immediately flowers

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:58:22

Kittybiscuits thank you for making me smile. I've found them already I think they were there all along. I just need to bloody use them smile

kittybiscuits Tue 24-Jan-17 16:59:10

I think so x

Adora10 Tue 24-Jan-17 17:14:24

OP, you can do this, you just THINK you can't, we all feel like that when forced into taking action over something outwith our control, or responsibility.

Bottom line is OP, he has no respect for the marriage, or fidelity, he's showing you that over and over again so, what now, you wait until the next explosive episode - cos you were not stroking his ego enough?

Fuck that, you matter, more than him.

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 18:55:21

I feel clearer right now than I have for weeks. His behaviour this evening has been pathetic. He eventually came back but because I was put with the dog he sulked and wouldn't wait. Came back a bit ago doesn't want tea (fine) and got in a mood as I wouldn't text my mum to decline the lift he had arranged to start his counselling tomorrow. I'm just getting on with my evening with a resolve I've not had in a while.

kittybiscuits Tue 24-Jan-17 19:05:22

Glad you feel clearer. Just observe and think.

Joto369 Tue 24-Jan-17 19:24:33

I'm going back to work tomorrow and then coffee with a friend after. Will be able to put some distance and space between us for a while.

tipsytrifle Tue 24-Jan-17 23:14:26

So he has no intentions of attending that appointment, right?

I'm looking forward to a photo of all his gear in bags on the other side of the door tbh but i know that final decision has to come from you in your own time, not my apparently brutal imagination!

KC11 Tue 24-Jan-17 23:24:32


I don't really have much help to offer but I am trying to find the strength to end my marriage. 16 years. Long story very short. No kids. Big problem for me. Not a big problem for DH. I feel so sad that we can't be parents naturally. I feel unsupported by DH. I wanted to aim to adopt. That was shut down firmly ages and ages ago but I've been in denial thinking he'd adjust to the idea. Upshot: I realise my true wants are not even getting discussed. I realise I am worth more than that. I'm looking to get practical advice about what, when and how to separate.

KC11 Tue 24-Jan-17 23:28:51

I guess I would say to OP follow journey gut instinct. He's not been faithful and he could do it again. Not sure of you history or how long you've know him. Perhaps his pain is so deep rooted that you might have to accept it perhaps can't be solved or helped easily. If you think he can change and gets counselling for his grief over his sister's death then stick with it for a while.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: