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Help me stop asking my affair having dh to come back

(17 Posts)
Luciferthethird Mon 23-Jan-17 22:07:54

Help me stop asking my affair having dh to come back. Please. He had an affair i kicked him out he begged me to take him back i did. stupid me i know he came back but he left me again. This time i begged him to come back he's been hot and cold since he did its obvious he doesn't want to be here so i told him to find himself somewhere else to live he's still living here until he does but i can't let go i can't help feeling we're supposed to be together we have 2 dcs. Both with SN why do the meb get to just pack up their shit and say I've had enough. Anyway I've booked us into relate tomorrow but i just don't see the point in his mind we're done.

Luciferthethird Mon 23-Jan-17 22:09:49

He's still going to be there for the dcs hopefully he will he does love them.

Luciferthethird Mon 23-Jan-17 22:26:14

I supposei should just put my big girl pants on and move on. Pityful bump

Charlie97 Mon 23-Jan-17 22:29:01

I've no experience, but your thread is heart breaking.

He really doesn't deserve your love, but I guess you know this.

Do you have any RL friends or family you can talk too?

I will sit and hold your hand until someone wise and able comes along.

flowers x

Ledkr Mon 23-Jan-17 22:51:35

I'm nearly asleep but I'll be back tomorrow to share how I stopped taking mine back.

Luciferthethird Tue 24-Jan-17 08:17:37

Thanks for the replies. I just don't know how I'm going to get through this I don't have many friends. It's even harder because he's still living here it feels like it should work but it just doesn't. He's txting other women he says they're just friends but I don't belive him. I have read the messages they are just friendly chit chat but i feel like he's getting them set up for when he moves out and is free.

IsNotGold Tue 24-Jan-17 08:51:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

temporarilyjerry Tue 24-Jan-17 08:51:59

There seems to be a pattern on threads where the OP's DH/DP has had an affair. This time is difficult but it will get better. You will be happier.

Ledkr Wed 25-Jan-17 09:56:21

I sat down and thought about how my life would be if I stayed with him.
Full of angst and self doubt, suspicion and worry. I would not be able to age, put on weight or have a scruffy day. I'd feel pressure to constantly police him and so much effort to stay pretty and attractive all the time.
I decided that all that would be a painful waste of mine and my children's lives so opted instead for a few painful months instead of a lifetime of crap.
In short it was easier to get over him than to stay with him living half a life.
You can do it too.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Wed 25-Jan-17 10:15:57

What ledkr said.

Teaholic Wed 25-Jan-17 10:20:07

I would insist he is responsible for kids half the week so that u have the freedom to build a life.

That will take the spring out of his step and enhance your chance of a good future

Luciferthethird Sat 28-Jan-17 20:55:53

ledkr you're so right and my brain tells me that. teaholic as of right now he's quite happy to have the kids as much as hr can but as I've said to him many of times we'll see if he's still willing when he moves out.
I'm trying so hard to do the 180. My head says I'll be so much happier when he leaves it'll be so much better not having to police him.
I'm so stupid. I don't want him anymore but I don't want anyone else to have him and as cliche as it sounds I've put so much work into him into our relationship, I've put up with so much crap we're in a better place financially I've sported him financially for so long it's a bit of a kick in the teeth that he's finally got a well paying full time job. We could finally go on holidays and do the house up and he's leaving. Please help me stay strong. Help me keep some pride.

Luciferthethird Sat 28-Jan-17 20:57:50

Sorry it's so jumbled my heads all over at the minute.

Teaholic Sun 29-Jan-17 15:20:59

Lucifer, the adjustment from being in a couple to being single is difficult, it's a crutch kicked away or a rug ripped from under you, but it doesn't stay being hard. So it is just that that is hard, the adjustment so try not to fear the future. brew You are very strong and have boundaries.

loinnir Sun 29-Jan-17 17:12:14

I would make sure that he IS planning to leave. Very easy to stay having his household needs met whilst playing the field - much better than shifting for himself in a bedsit. I hope you have detached and stopped cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, sharing a room with him etc. You need to live as two seperate people. Do not cater for or worry about his needs.

Spend as little time with him as possible. Do not engage him in small talk. Ask everyday when he is moving - it will be incredibly difficult to move on until he gives you space.

Luciferthethird Sun 29-Jan-17 19:51:56

He definitely is leaving he's also not seeing anyone while he is residing here he's not even allowed to be in contact with other women.

Passthebiscuitspls Sun 29-Jan-17 20:12:15

Ledkr this is exactly the process I went through in my mind when I found out about my H affair. It is brutal now, I miss my best friend and the guy he used to be. But I don't want to turn into a crazy woman and end up checking up on him constantly. I couldn't do it, it's not me. So divorcing him was the only available course of action. I'm bloody hoping it gets easier!
OP, be strong, stick to your morals and what you truly believe is right for you. No one can tell you what to do, go with your gut, mines never let me down. Apart from marrying my H in the first place!

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