Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Head vs heart/hormones

(28 Posts)
Tessasaurus899 Mon 23-Jan-17 20:55:48

Long story short here...
My fiance of 10 year's became depressed and went on a downward spiral which led to him leaving me. He slept with a mutual friend a few weeks later after a drunken night out, she has admitted to being after him for months and caused many arguments, which conveniently ended up with her being pregnant. She makes no secret of wanting anothet baby so she doesn't need work while the others are at school. During these few weeks he was still seeing me very often and sleeping with me. When he found out she was pregnant he told me straight away and cried which he never does about how he wanted it with me and we got back together. We were planning to have a baby before all this happened (our first) and I'm so ridiculously broody and so jealous of other mums and expecting mums that i just want to cry. I feel like they are everywhere! He wanted a baby for years and i always said its nt the right time but now because the mutual friend is difficult he doesn't want one yet until this one is born. Due in feb. She makes life difficult asking him round for stupid reasons all the time and says I'm not allowed near the baby when it born. Am i broody because it should have been me expecting...i don't know what to think anymore

Secretlife0fbees Mon 23-Jan-17 21:14:54

Run a mile. This sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I would dump him asap.

Quarksoundslikequack Mon 23-Jan-17 21:50:43

I wouldn't get involved in this either, you'll resent him & the baby if it takes you a while to conceive.

She can say she doesn't want you around the baby but if he took her to court, she can't stop it

Tessasaurus899 Mon 23-Jan-17 22:05:43

She threatened him with not putting him on the birth certifcate. My head is saying run but I am completely blindsided by love and am questioning myself. All i can think is what if this is my last chance...god i sound pathetic

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Jan-17 15:51:00

He has conflicted loyalties. He will never be 100% with you, sorry sad. Don't put yourself through it. Don't sign up for unending "pick me" dancing that would transfer to any child yory might have as well.
As harsh as it may sound, an anonymous sperm doner would be a better bet.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Jan-17 15:51:47


AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Jan-17 16:21:13

And sorry, your mutual friend really isn't a friend to you or she wouldn't have done that. She has made her stance very clear, so please don't have any more to do with her.

It is an awful mess. You will get past it more quickly if you cut them both off. Also, you may very well be grateful one day that you do not have a child with this bloke.

Love, apparently to him, is an illusion. Leaving you because he was depressed? I'm not so sure I'd buy that. Depression would tend to lead to inaction rather than big changes (certainly not shagging someone else, imho). I think the truth lies in that initial breakup. Don't take him back as he may think he can waltz in and out of your life at will.

Boolovessulley Tue 24-Jan-17 16:31:49

I agree with what's been said.

If you stay with him he will always be dancing to her tune and do you want that?
I think it would be best to cut them both out and definitely don't get pregnant yourself for the foreseeable future.

TheElephantofSurprise Tue 24-Jan-17 16:33:54

Stop trying to tie yourself to this faithless man who has a baby due to arrive any time.

Break free. Start again.

TheNaze73 Tue 24-Jan-17 16:37:21

There are no excuses or words for what he has done

PaintingOwls Tue 24-Jan-17 17:39:46

Good lord, what a mess. You need to completely cut off and block the both of them. hmm

You need time to heal, and depending on your age you could seek a sperm donor or meet someone else who won't treat you like dirt. Depression, my arse, do not fall for that bs.

The main thing is to not have a baby with this poor excuse of a man. You will not be able to focus on a baby if you keep thinking about the one that came first.

I know it hurts and of course it will but you need to find your anger, who the fuck does this?

Tessasaurus899 Tue 24-Jan-17 18:00:52

I did cut her off straight away, then I got all the bull from her that she was sorry and she never meant to hurt me. I said you would have never done that if you were a friend and definitely still wouldn't be trying to blackmail him with an unborn child to get him to be with you! She can't see where she is in the wrong and I've had constant apologies from him which is why I'm so conflicted. The thing that makes everything that bit harder is I can't afford to not have him around because of paying the mortgage, i have no one to move in with, wouldn't get a second look with the coucil because i earn too much and I don't want to make myself homeless. I don't know if pride is getting in the way here, but why should i lose everything i have worked so hard for because of someone elses drunken mistake. I hate what they have done to me and it's taken months for me to get my head around the baby and stop feeling physically sick when i think about it.

Ilovecaindingle Tue 24-Jan-17 18:03:03

Walk away and leave them to it. . While you still have some self esteem. .

Hermonie2016 Tue 24-Jan-17 18:10:58

How old are you? Honestly it's sounds like a nightmare situation.Can you imagine a different life, one where you plan a marriage, baby with a man who didn't go off with your friend? Why choose to stay in this drama?

There are always solutions for housing, could you get a lodger?

Tessasaurus899 Tue 24-Jan-17 18:46:23

I really worry about a lodger as you just don't know who they are and with it being my home i don't feel comfortable but it is an option. I'm 33. I can't bear the thought of him going to her because he has no where else to go, it would destroy me. I have in my head that the situation would just be like meeting someone else who has kids and lets face it there doesn't seem be many people my age that don't

Agatha44 Tue 24-Jan-17 18:59:38

I don't have the same situation but my is similar. We were together for 15 years and last October I found out he slept with a work colleague. They are together now and are expecting their baby in July.
My one and only hope was to start a family with him but he always said he wasn't ready and now he has got her pregnant. It was heart wrenching and still is. The thought of them being together with their baby is soul destroying at times. We are currently selling our house and he is about to buy a house with her, after 4 months of being together.
I am in my early 30s too. I have to believe that my time will come and I will have the family I so desire. The same is goes for you too! I guess you might be a bit like me, grieving for your relationship and for the family you didn't have with him. Also you are seeing all your friends settling down and having their first possibly even second child. It is really tough. You have to remember though that it isn't any reflection on you what has happened. If you ever need anybody to talk to, please feel free to send me a message.

FatOldBag Tue 24-Jan-17 19:07:47

You're 33. Please don't waste any more time on this complete no hoper. He was shagging you both at the same time with no protection and then he fucking cried because he got her pregnant and had to face some fucking obviously foreseeable consequences to his own actions? For God's sake, get rid of him and sort your head out so you can be properly happy with a decent person in your life.

AnyFucker Tue 24-Jan-17 19:10:24

Your standards are very, very low sad

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Jan-17 19:18:47

it would destroy me
Tessa , you are giving them way too much consequence and power here. The both of them are a pair of tossers who don't deserve the time of day from you. All of those apologies are a bunch of lying lip service because this guy likes having two women fight over him. Just do not participate in that.

Financial hardship is significant, I get that. But it will be nothing to losing every spec of dignity and self esteem by continuing any sort of connection with him. Let him move in with her-such scum: she's welcome to him-is what I'd say. Imho, it won't be long before he does the same thing to her.

Also, please don't get caught up with
there doesn't seem be many people my age ...etc, etc,... as your life is your own unique journey and what other people are doing is, well, irrelevant. Value yourself for who you are, and that needs no validation from fake friends or the population at large. Do you really want a baby, or do you think you need one because "everybody" else seems to be having one?

Tessasaurus899 Tue 24-Jan-17 19:45:46

I have too much trust in people, we have had such a happy healthy relationship up until all of this, and now most the time we are really good but my confidence has really been knocked by it. He acknowledged he has a problem and has sought help for it off his own back and sees a counsellor weekly. It seems most people thing I'm being a mug for wanting to try, maybe I already know this hence the doubts and just need to accept it 🙁 I do want a baby and I definitely don't think it helps all my friends are married with children. Thank you for all of the advice anyway

PollytheDolly Tue 24-Jan-17 19:55:54

Nah fuck that. It's starting how it's meaning to go on.

Too messy, get out x

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Jan-17 20:15:59

The thing is, though, he is having a baby with someone else. That is just too much baggage.

The logistics, the social dynamics of it, and the daily, hourly, stab you in the heart of it won't be changed at all by how many counselling appointments he has.

You do not need to be so desperate. You have plenty of time; I had my youngest when I was 46.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 24-Jan-17 20:21:53

I am sorry, the above wasn't helpful. But I think you need to keep moving forward with your life and stop comparing yourself to others. If not, then it will always be something you will feel you need to do/have/be, iyswim.

cheesydoesit Tue 24-Jan-17 20:45:25

You probably won't do this as it would be very foolish but having a baby with him now or even a few months down the line would only make things worse. It won't bind you to him in a good way, he will always have his first child with her. I know the horrible, bitter jealousy you must be feeling but a baby is bloody hard even in a stable relationship let alone in this messy situation which HE has created. Also, you mentioned your confidence has been knocked which is no wonder, multiply that by a few hundred as post birth you will be even more vulnerable and open to his antics. I really feel for you, I hope you are able to find the strength of make a clean break from him.

CaoNiMa Wed 25-Jan-17 08:08:46

Dump his sorry ass. This does not have to be the rest of your life.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: