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Dealing with someone who you love but treats you badly

(9 Posts)
Stormyumbrella Mon 23-Jan-17 20:20:40

Name changed as I'm worried this could be very identifying!

I need some advice on how to deal with my ex partner. We have been on and off since we were young with gaps in between.

He broke things off entirely four months ago and I've been struggling ever since. To avoid minimizing my part in the confusion, to begin with he had cut things off entirely and would only respond to messages about our DS, I pushed it when maybe I shouldn't have and he has since said that he sees me as a best friend.

The problem is that although he calls me a best friend, he doesn't really treat me like one. Sometimes he's overly affectionate and acts as though we're still together and we're still a family. He'll do things like invite me over to his when DS is there and want to cuddle and kiss me. Writing this down, I have no idea why I allow it, except that I still desperately want to be together.

Other times, he'll be cold and distant with me, particularly when his family who have never liked me have been involved. It doesn't excuse it (although I've been desperately trying to excuse it) but he's a very weak person who has a tendency to be led by whoever he's with.

He's made things difficult by outright saying in heated situations that he still loves me but has in fairness to him, made it very clear that it's over this time for good.

How do I find it in me to walk away, since I KNOW he never fully will?

georgethecat Mon 23-Jan-17 20:25:52

You need to do this and set the boundary otherwise you'll be dangling on his string eternally.

Why should someone pick you up & drop you on their terms???

All the time you are jumping through his hoops you could be denying yourself a better relationship with someone else or even quite frankly with yourself.

Hillfarmer Mon 23-Jan-17 20:26:50

My first response to the title of your thread is: People who love you do not treat you badly.

You are right you need to wean yourself off this man who clearly does not love you. You know this in your heart OP. He is using you and exploiting your feelings for him.

Not a nice man. Hard truth is that he is not your best friend. Or any sort of friend. Sorry OP, it's crap but you need to get him out of your head.

Testificateman Mon 23-Jan-17 20:34:23

Think you need to sit down with him and talk to him about this.
You both obviously have unresolved issues and it looks like the light is still on.
Has he ever been violent towards you in the past though? If he has, then, the best way would be to walk away and don't look back.

Stormyumbrella Mon 23-Jan-17 20:37:08

I sound really silly and weak but every time I've tried to stay away from him and make the necessary contact (due to DS's contact arrangements) as businesslike as possible I've just caved within days. It sounds really pathetic but I don't think it helps that I don't really have many friends of my own. It means that I've come to rely on him as support even now.

I've also got into a bad habit of letting him change contact arrangements whenever he 'needs' to and picking up the pieces with DS.

Stormyumbrella Mon 23-Jan-17 20:38:57

No he's never been violent to me.

I've tried to talk to him about the situation between us before as when he's affectionate it really does feel genuine and he's never given me a straightforward no in that he always says it 'probably' will never happen again. Stupid as it sounds, I think in my heart of hearts I'm waiting for him to give me that flat never and he just won't.

Deadsouls Mon 23-Jan-17 21:23:45

He won't end it because he's getting everything he wants when he wants and because he calls you his 'friend' he can keep his options open. This man is trampling all over your boundaries, non-existent as they are. As you say you've allowed him to change contact arrangements etc to suit him, you let him get physical when he wants and so on. You know he's never going to give you what you truly want, which is stability and commitment. Is he even capable of it? He sounds immature to me.
But what about your self esteem? He's calling all the shots in this scenario. Admittedly it must be hard when there's a child between you as you have to have minimal contact. I've only cut off an ass who I didn't have a child with.
It would be so great for you if you could take your power back in this situation. Just elimate him...easier said than done I know.
He doesn't sound like that much of a catch though...all flaky, non-committal selfish manchild.

Deadsouls Mon 23-Jan-17 21:25:05

Plus he's not respecting you because you're not respecting you.

Testificateman Mon 23-Jan-17 23:20:40

Looks like he's enjoying the hold he has over you.
Do your parents live close by? If so, arrange for him to collect DS from there. If not, you could arrange for collection and drop off in a more public place. Less chance of him having his cake and eating it then.
Do not let him come to your house. If he bails on an arranged day and time, tough. He will have to try harder to make it next time.
He is no friend of yours. He's your ex and a user, and that is coming from a man.
Stay tough and strong, you will get over him, and hopefully, find a real man.
Good luck.

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