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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feeling uncomfortable with contact,

33 replies

Dawndonnaagain · 23/01/2017 19:35

Dd is 20. She is currently chatting to her father via FaceTime. I don't have a problem with this, apart from the fact that he's an abusive arse and she has a tried to commit suicide twice due in (large) part to his behaviours. I have asked that this remain in her bedroom. It's making me feel sick that I can hear him and I am shaky. I know she is in the most dreadful position of hating him because of his behaviour and what he has done to her (emotionally) and loving him because he's her father. But I have ptsd because of him and I know I will have nightmares tonight. There is a non molestation order in place and this includes social media, I will invoke this if he pushes her into showing him round the house.
Just getting this out really. I feel so sick. I think I just want someone to tell me I'm not being silly.
Thank you.

OP posts:

Report

Dawndonnaagain · 23/01/2017 19:37

She has just popped downstairs to say 'it saves me having to visit mum!'
I'm just worrying because I know how manipulative he can be.
Sorry.

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ohfourfoxache · 23/01/2017 19:41

Oh Dawn

Didn't want to read and run, but please don't take offence at what I'm going to suggest: have you had counselling? He sounds vile, and if you've got PTSD then you need RL support

Dawndonnaagain · 23/01/2017 19:45

I am on a waiting list for trauma counselling. Thank you for answering foxache

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Changedmename1234 · 23/01/2017 19:48

I don't think you are being silly at all. These types of men just push boundaries. Why can't they see the damage they have done and want to put it right? Why do they persist in piling it on? I don't know why they do it but it's bloody awful. Have some 💐

ohfourfoxache · 23/01/2017 19:52

Do you have any other support Dawn?

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite believe it's you posting. I've read so many of your posts and you're so strong and funny and knowledgeable, the picture I have of you in my mind doesn't equate to the hell you're going through

Dawndonnaagain · 23/01/2017 19:57

Tank you Changed. I agree. I don't understand it either, but I don't understand why or how I allowed this to happen for 23 years!

foxache.
I'll be okay, I'm just having a bit of a wobble. Thank you for the compliment, it sounds so much nicer than daft know it all!

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ohfourfoxache · 23/01/2017 20:00

You are not, and never have been, a know it all

And as for daft, I have dibs on that! X

Jules8432 · 23/01/2017 20:07

It's not daft at all. This man was obviously abusive so no wonder it's traumatising hearing his voice again in your home.

Your daughter has a point that it saves her seeing him, but I also know how manipulative these men are so I would feel concerned too.
At least she's 20 so has some awareness of his manipulative ways and some knowledge of how to manage him whilst protecting her heart and MH.

Do you mind me asking why she nearly committed suicide because of him?
Is he aware of this? X

Dawndonnaagain · 23/01/2017 20:17

She took an overdose last November, he's aware of that.
New Year she took 40 paracetamol, alcohol, topped it up with Night Nurse. He doesn't know about that. She doesn't want him to. She is very fragile, she has a couple of disabilities and has an ASC. She has always been fragile and he has used it to manipulate her, and told her she'll never amount to anything etc. Called her names, continually undermined her confidence. We think that he thought she'd be the one that would look after him. She won't. He still doesn't realise that. I think he's still working on it. He will probably start trying to do this regularly and it will be used as an attempt to undermine me too. We'll see. He's also texted her at two in the morning before now. He knows how I work and knows that I will be trying to put a routine in place to ensure she feels secure and knows that I will be trying to do regular bed times and getting up times to help her mental health, so of course this texting in the middle of the night undermines it all. Grrr!

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Jules8432 · 23/01/2017 21:06

He sounds completely toxic

Poor thing she needs support, love and stability not EA from her own dad!

Is there any way you could encourage her to cut contact??

I feel really sorry for you must be so hard hearing his voice and watching him hurt your daughter who you obviously try so hard to protect and care for.
Sadly it's all a game to them, it's about hurting us and the kids are just a part of the game.

Luckily my son won't have contact with his dad but knowing how manipulative he is I live in fear that one day he will..

AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 21:09

Isn't he already breaking the NonMol order by facetiming her ?

ohfourfoxache · 23/01/2017 21:11

Holy fuck, what a nasty cunt

Dawndonnaagain · 23/01/2017 22:20

AnyFucker I did wonder that, but apparently he texted, so she 'phoned and she organised the facetiming. I'm not sure what the game is yet. Apparently she mentioned my name and said, no, don't say the name I'm not allowed to talk about her.
Ooo, bit annoyed now, that's good!

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AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 22:26

I didn't think it mattered if the victim makes initial contact

If he breaks the order, he breaks it

Dawndonnaagain · 23/01/2017 22:29

Thank you Anyfucker, I'll get on to my WA worker tomorrow and get it checked out. I may ask her just to 'phone him, rather than this. It's a sly way back into the home and it's really bothering me.

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AnyFucker · 23/01/2017 22:31

As it should. Get straight onto your case worker about it

CocoaX · 23/01/2017 22:32

I agree, contact is contact however it comes about, it should not be in your house if there is a non- molestation order in place.
I would feel the same about my ex face-timing my DC at home, I don't think you are being silly

Dawndonnaagain · 24/01/2017 10:26

Well, that was a crap night. Not a lot of sleep and very disturbed. Very weepy this morning. The impact of this has hit me now. I have realised that should I be out, he can talk her into showing him round the house, showing him my stuff (paperwork etc) keep an eye on how far decorating etc has gone, keep an eye on my housekeeping but worst of all, he's in my space without actually being here and that's made me scared and tearful and angry and a bit of a mess actually. So, shall get onto folk today to see if I can prevent it and he can then play all hard done by with dc doing the Mum won't even let me contact you crap.

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AnyFucker · 24/01/2017 10:46

Yep, let the whinging twat blow off steam

You have your privacy to safeguard

harrypotternerd · 24/01/2017 16:18

last time my ex called my DC I started shaking and DP had to stay in the room with the children (they are only young so need help with the phone) while I went to my room and cried. That man put me through hell and I almost died because of him. Everytime I hear his voice I get flashbacks. I don;t have any advice OP just know you are not alone.

Dawndonnaagain · 24/01/2017 17:55

harrypotternerd thank you. It's horrible, isn't it. I've been getting flashbacks all day. Grim though it is, it's a relief to know it's not just me and that I'm not some strange sort of drama queen! (Been accused of this, by him, in the past, can you tell)!

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ohfourfoxache · 24/01/2017 20:35

Oh Dawn

Come on lass, you can do this. You know you can. What did your WA worker say?

Wish I could do something- anything- to help xx

Starlight2345 · 24/01/2017 20:51

I can completely understand your feelings..I saw my abusive ex about 5 years ago in mediation ( advise by my solicitor ) I went with the fact that this was about my DS...I was very confident..Then I heard his voice and crumbled...

I would say in view of your Daughters very vunerable state at the moment do everything you can to take this decision out of her hands. If you are the bad guy at least she is alive.

for both of you

Dawndonnaagain · 24/01/2017 23:12

I have sorted this. He has been warned that it breaks the terms of the non molestation order even though dd instigated that particular form of contact. It won't be happening again.
I am wobbly, but that was hearing him in a space that I didn't consider safe, but quiet for now, does that make sense?
I will get better and I will get strong, some days it's easier than others.
Thank you yet again, for kind words and support. It's very much appreciated.
for all.

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Runnngupthathill · 24/01/2017 23:19

Well done Dawn, you do sound like a strong woman. Have no experience of this but glad you have support

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