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50/50 split with DH

(22 Posts)
wakeupandsmellthecoffee Mon 23-Jan-17 18:38:32

Has any lovely mumsnetter got any practical advice for my friend who is going through divorce. Her DH wants 50/50 split on child care. The girls are 13 and 11.
They say they want 50/50 its just any practical advice would be good. TIA

happypoobum Mon 23-Jan-17 18:46:18

Is he actually able to do this? Do they both work FT/PT?

A friend of mine had to agree to this and is now having to go via CSA for maintenance as the XH only argued for 50/50 to avoid maintenance and swiftly dropped the contact, seeing the DC about once a week.

My DSis and her XH had 50/50 with DN and that worked really well for them. They did week around care, so one week on, one week off. DN was perfectly happy with that, but did insist on having duplicates of everything at each house so she didn't spend all her time running around between homes to get forgotten PE kit etc.

If the DH wants it and the DC do, given their ages, it's quite likely to be agreed, unless the DH lifestyle would preclude it.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Mon 23-Jan-17 18:50:37

She thinks he has unrealistic expectations and wont be able to it longterm. The double up if processions makes sense.

Bob19701 Mon 23-Jan-17 18:55:28

My exw and I do 50/50 split and it works well, I work full time but can do flexi hours so that makes things easier . We split all school fees , uniform etc 50/50 we have equal amounts of school clothes at each other's houses , it can work with some forward planning..

Basicbrown Mon 23-Jan-17 18:58:01

Why would he not be able to do it? I would assume that is what DH and I would do if we split.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 23-Jan-17 18:59:39

I know of quite a few people who have 50/50 and it works well.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Mon 23-Jan-17 19:34:28

I think she thinks he wont be able to do it due to work commitments and travel for work
Also he hasn't been a hands on dad before its more down to financial control than actually want the girls 50/50

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 23-Jan-17 19:35:58

If the DC want it and thEurope ages mean they are more than old enough to make a choice, then it could very well work.

TheNaze73 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:53:38

Sounds like the perfect scenario for the children & maintenance arrangements, would be far easier

Hardtokeepgoing Mon 23-Jan-17 23:38:00

In reality it's really hard for kids - they never know if they're in right place with right stuff and invariably some is in wrong house.
Put yourself in their place - could you live one week with one friend with their possessions and rules, and one with another?
Kids need a majority home, and relaxed stays with the other. Use phone, email & Skype to keep up the contact but sleep in one bed with all their stuff - crucial as a teenager, keeps them grounded and belonging, and therefore behaving!
Courts very rarely support 50/50 for these reasons - ask a mediator / family solicitor.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 23-Jan-17 23:49:18

Completely disagree Hard 50/50 does work well in many cases.

It certainly isn't how you describe.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 24-Jan-17 07:09:05

Its a tricky situation that's for sure.
She really does want the best for her children but genuinely feels he cant commit to all that the children need due to his job.

Redglitter Tue 24-Jan-17 07:12:41

I've got several friends who've done this very successfully. Both houses have been classed as their home. They have everything they need/want in both homes so they're not having to go for days without x y or z. It takes some work initially but in my friends cases it's been and is very successful

Hardtokeepgoing Tue 24-Jan-17 07:26:17

Sometimes children do 50/50 as that is what adults want and it can ease adult consciences.
I've worked with the children of split families for 21 years, counselling and being their rep for parents and court.
Piglet - it's incredible to see children telling their parents how it's ok and "making it work" at 50/50, then actually hearing them describe their true hidden feelings to me, if they think I won't say.
In my experience it puts many of them in therapy when they're older - which is why court never support it if there is an option of a predominant home.
If the OP is already asking "will it work, am not sure the DH is bothered enough" then I think she knows her answer.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 24-Jan-17 08:18:46

If the OP is already asking "will it work, am not sure the DH is bothered enough" then I think she knows her answer.

Her DH could say we all want it to work but DW is actively trying to block it. We only ever get 'one side' on issues like this.

It can work. It worked for my DH and his siblings, my best friend and her siblings and is currently working for my niece and nephew. None of which need or are in counselling.

IME going from seeing one parent every day to then only seeing them for one weekend a fortnight and Skype, can be equally damaging.

Yes it may not work in certain cases however neither does limited contact with NRP either.

Every situation is unique.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Sun 29-Jan-17 16:20:48

.

ImperialBlether Sun 29-Jan-17 16:23:37

The thing is that if the girls are asked, how can they look at their dad and say they want anything other than 50:50? It's so hurtful and even if he's been a crap dad, if they're lovely girls they won't want to hurt him.

RandomMess Sun 29-Jan-17 16:27:39

What happens when she counter suggest 60:40 for a trial period of 5 months or so?

ImperialBlether Sun 29-Jan-17 16:31:14

He will want 50:50 so that he's not paying child support. It will have a huge impact on your friend if she's the lower earner, as she can't automatically claim tax credits and family allowance then.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sun 29-Jan-17 16:54:19

He will want 50:50 so that he's not paying child support.

Maybe

It will have a huge impact on your friend if she's the lower earner, as she can't automatically claim tax credits and family allowance then.

Isn't that also meaning that the friend would not want to do it for financial reasons rather than the best interests of the DC.

ImperialBlether Sun 29-Jan-17 17:09:36

Not maybe: the OP said "Also he hasn't been a hands on dad before its more down to financial control than actually want the girls 50/50."

No, I didn't mean that. I meant that it's a massive double blow for her friend.

horrayforharoldlloyd Sun 29-Jan-17 17:29:36

Hardtokeepgoing Courts most certainly DO support 50:50, certainly in the south east. 50:50 is the starting point for contact now.

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