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Really vicious row in public

(9 Posts)
user1479305498 Mon 23-Jan-17 14:32:04

Im currently seeing a psychotherapist following my discovery this year that my husband had a "big thing" about a youngish girl who used to work for us and who went away on extended work trips with him abroad. Ive gone into this before but basically involved finding a load of very longing song lyrics that he then recorded and kept for himself (he is very musical) These were very upsetting to me even though its 10 years ago and he says it was "all in his head" as far as he is concerned nothing happened and thats all I should care about. He has since destroyed them. . Anyway we went out the other night to a nice upmarket bar and I dont know how it started but he said the counselling seemed to be making me worse, not "better" , I then refuted this and said it was just making me think about stuff etc and how hurtful it all was, (lots of it was about being free and someone else awakening senses, that kind of stuff) he then came out with the "you know it was a terrible time with my mum dying and I was having to go up and down to visit and you didnt give a stuff- you hated her anyway" This is totally not true, whilst I didnt 100% love her I was perfectly supportive at the time and looking after our son who was 7 and who was very upset too. I wouldnt wish terminal cancer on my worst enemy. He then said he felt "unwanted" by both me and our son at that time. This is complete codswallop. This is an intelligent middle class guy and we ended up having a horrible row in a smart place with me in tears, him saying, Im not going out "whilst you are in this place in your head" and me feeling I dont want to either. Has anyone else been here,? that they really are not that keen on going out with DH when their head just isnt in the right place to be jolly and pretend all is ok with the world/relationship. .

TheElephantofSurprise Mon 23-Jan-17 14:37:44

Switching the blame is part of The Script for errant husbands, isn't it? Why are you seeing a psychotherapist when he's the one who had the (emotional or otherwise) affair? His idea will have been that counselling would make you more docile and amenable. Doesn't work like that, does it?

Keep on with the counselling. Keep an open mind about the future. Don't feel obliged to play happy families.

TheNaze73 Mon 23-Jan-17 14:41:42

Tough one. Can see why if he's genuine, he's frustrated but, like elephant said, it's almost like the script by numbers.
Was the big thing he had with her emotional, sexual or both?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 23-Jan-17 14:42:51

Keep on with the counselling. Keep an open mind about the future. Don't feel obliged to play happy families.

This ^ ^. No, I wouldn't go out with at the moment either. The therapy will help you decide where YOU want to go from here, and if you can forgive his mid-life I'm not getting enough attention type crisis.

ravenmum Mon 23-Jan-17 15:02:26

Knee jerk reaction to you accusing him of doing something unpleasant is to say that you are a heartless bitch? Has he shown any signs of remorse or being sorry that he might have hurt you?

ravenmum Mon 23-Jan-17 15:05:19

And no, unfortunately for him, counselling just makes things clearer, which might well make you "worse" if "worse" for him means aware of his faults.

Adora10 Mon 23-Jan-17 15:39:31

Wow, he has some cheek; I mean what he has done to you and then expects you not to bring it up, sorry I'd not be getting over this; I don't think there's any trust there anymore = no relationship.

user1479305498 Mon 23-Jan-17 16:28:23

Yes I am keeping a very open mind. He is remorseful, did say several times he cant now get his had around why he did it. As far as Im aware it was just EA and according to him --all on his side, she had no idea, however there was "a lot" of texting etc at the time that i picked up on at the time and was told the old "just good friends stuff" . So I only have his word on this, I have said I would rather know if it was not. I think the thing that really got me was trying to make me sound like some kind of heartless shit, I am so very not like this--that upset me hugely, oh as well as the telling me I was giving him a stomache ulcer. In the last month when its been "out there" that i know, its probably been discussed maybe 4 times at most and even then apart from the initial discussion whichw as an hour, not for more than 10 minutes at most , apart from this huge row on Friday whilst out!. I think at the moment I am staying in, got a long weekend away in early Feb though to get through. I must admit once the trust has gone awry , its a very horrible feeling, especially in a relationship I will admit where we have had far too much co dependency. I see people on here coping and putting up with some truly awful stuff with prostitutes and whatever and I am amazed at what some lovely ladies put up with when I find a large emotional betrayal so hard.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 23-Jan-17 18:45:09

Some things can be forgiven, some can't....the therapy will show you which of those camps his behaviour falls into for you. My XH fell into the latter camp, but there was no remorse, and other abuse going on too. I do think sometimes relationships are broken beyond repair. I do hope yours isn't though.

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