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Newborn baby and husband says thinking of leaving

(45 Posts)
Namechange987654321 Mon 23-Jan-17 12:31:39

In tears and need some support. Don't think am ready to confide in someone in real life though probably need to. Have a beautiful 4 week old. Dh tells me last night he is miserable and thinks maybe we should split up. I don't want this, i still love him but with two dc and being a SAHM I think I need to make plans just in case. I suggested counselling but he said we can't afford it which is true and even if we could get on nhs we cant afford childcare - no relatives nearby. Its not a surprise, he often acts like he hates me and then complains when i dont seek out his company. The way he treats me is not how I'd like DD treated in a marriage and I miss someone being kind. I really would like to work on things but I' m not getting much sleep because 0f the baby and postpartum health issues and I just don't know if I have the energy. While pregnant I organised childcare for dc1 and we spent a few nights away - it was lovely and we got on well, but reality isnt working out. I have health issues which affect our sex life but I want to work on this but he just seems not to be interested in talking about it or compromising - to me it seems he wants things the way they were when first married or not at all. He's a bit like this with the dc too - dc1 is a bad sleeper and he gets so angry when dc needs help in the night and blames me for poor sleeping patterns (i think its just personality). Just dont know what to do or where to start - havebeen SAHM for 4 years. Moved for his job 4 years ago and 2 years ago and his job is pretty good now. I was applying for jobs for over 9 months (unsuccessfully - found had to apply for jobs way below my last salary to get to interview stage after the career break) before fell pregnant (unexpectedly) so have no financial support of own at all - he earns above 40k so dont qualify for child benefits. Just feel so defeated and alone. Hes a good man and a good dad but he does struggle with the day to day - he is unfit and we are both tired all the time, he spends a lot of time surfing the internet on the weekend. I dont want us all to be unhappy and we snipe at each other and its a terrible example for dc1. I just can't face the enormity of this but if hes not willing to try, or doesnt want to what can i do? I think maybe he just wants more attention from me and i do try every so aften but am so tired - did say last night that could give him more time if he helped more with chores, but think he is too tired as well. What a mess, Im so miserable.

TheNaze73 Mon 23-Jan-17 14:45:12

Nothing but, sympathy for you really. Like a lot of men, he didn't really want children but, should've been less of a coward & told you this

TheTombstonesMove Mon 23-Jan-17 15:26:53

He doesn't sound like a good man and a good father. He sounds rather selfish if anything. I think you are wise to think about the practicalities of separation.

It takes two to make a relationship work, so no, if he's not willing to try and to do counseling or similar, there's nowhere for the relationship to go.

Sympathies OP. It sounds shit for you

Newbrummie Mon 23-Jan-17 15:29:37

It's just awful but all I can say to you is, my ex and I limped on for another 8 years after having a similar conversation to the one you've just had and I wish I'd ended it there and then. It gets worst and the children are older and more affected.

cheatsheet Mon 23-Jan-17 15:31:51

No advice but in a simpler situation. Sorry op it's really shit !

mrsaxlerose Mon 23-Jan-17 15:39:20

Im crying for you. You are NOT to blame for any of this he is. 22 years ago I was in the same situation. My partner of 6 years left 6 weeks after I gave birth. I remember the feeling. What had I done? Why wasn't I good enough? Well I can tell you that you are good enough and you have done nothing. I remember the day when a light bulb switched on in my head. At first I did it to spite him , then I did it for my son and then I did it for me. If he wants to leave let him but tell him that once the door closes on his ass its closed for good. He will go out and live the single life for a while and you will sit at home in PJs with holes in wondering what he is doing and with who. Then one day you will shower and put on clothes and go out and see the world and realise its a nice place with out him. One day you will even put on makeup and look as hot as hell and then on THAT day he will notice and want back and that's when you will have the strength to say GO DO ONE. Now if you don't take any of my advise at very least I hope ive made you smile. You will be fine and so will the children . it just takes time . (on down days listen to Candy Staten Young Hearts Run Free and dance round the kitchen like no one is watching) xxx

Namechange987654321 Mon 23-Jan-17 18:03:16

Thanks for the support - I need it. Newbrummie I think he likes the good bits of having kids - the interactive bits but the day to day of running a house he finds boring and, because I'm a sahm i used to do it all (although probably not very well!) but with a new baby and breastfeeding that isnt possible now really AND to have loads of time for him. This has been brewing for years though ever since we had dc1. I'd love to be able to have more time just the two of us but we have no family close and have moved around lots (for his job) so dont have friends to ask. We'd have to find a babysitter we trust and we don't really have the money (plus he's made no effort in this direction, it's always me who would need to find someone and every time ive tried he's said it's too expensive). It's not like i feel what he's saying isn't important but i just feel that it does not entirely reflect reality.

It seems like he expects all the change to come from me and when he's said he's not happy before I've tried but I'm so exhausted now i can't. I don't know how serious he is. What should i do in a practical sense? If the worst happens I'm thinking moving to a cheaper part of the country / nearer family might make more sense and sell the house (though we only just bought it so will likely not make any money or even l8se money when y9u take into account fees etc)

One thing i find really frustrating is he says things like 'i feel like you're not interested in me any more' and when I say I am (and point to examples like the holiday) but am just busy with kid stuff and tired he refuses to accept this. But it's the truth!

Naicehamshop Mon 23-Jan-17 18:55:04

He is a selfish, immature arse. Sorry, but he is.

Hermonie2016 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:07:47

How long have your brental together? Was be always like this?

It's horrendous of him to have this conversation when you have a new born, talk about indulgent of him!

He is either a completely selfish man or depressed.What do you think is the cause?

Can you go stay with family for a while?

minifingerz Mon 23-Jan-17 19:09:56

Life is hard when you have small children. It just is. A good husband and a decent human being would sit down and moan and laugh about how crap it is with you, be kind, give you hugs and wait for life to change, as it will.

Your husband is immature and selfish.

Pollyanna9 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:10:22

Brilliant reply mrsaxelrose. Really good. OP take heart from this.

chocolateisnecessary Mon 23-Jan-17 20:06:28

You gave birth four weeks ago.
You're not sleeping.
You're trying to balance the kids.
You're feeding.
You're exhausted.

This is not the time for him to say anything. That he is speaks volumes.

Let him go. And get help from anyone who'll offer. And look after yourself.

This is not your fault.

Basicbrown Mon 23-Jan-17 20:46:52

Just one thing OP if you don't qualify for child benefits DH earns more than 60k not 40k. Up to 50k you get the full amount. Is he telling you the truth there?

Marzipants Mon 23-Jan-17 20:56:55

I'd be tempted to say, Yes dear. We'll work on it. You're great, don't leave. Then at 6 weeks when your lochia has finished say rightio, you can fuck off now.

Sorry, he sounds terrible. Hope you're OK and can enjoy your lovely baby.

memyselfandaye Mon 23-Jan-17 21:05:43

Paying child support for three children and bills on a second home will be a lot more expensive than counselling.

He's lazy selfish and making you miserable, you will be happier without him.

Primaryteach87 Mon 23-Jan-17 21:10:53

Oh gosh! I'm sorry OP but he doesn't sound like a good man. What sort of person threatens to leave when their wife has just given birth. I am so angry for you.

Hardtokeepgoing Mon 23-Jan-17 23:27:38

Definitely ring the child benefit helpline and chat with the lovely people - it's almost £60k before you're not entitled (pensions related or similar).
And you NEED to be registered with them even if you're not receiving any cash - it's for your N I contributions so you get a pension!
Ring them ring them ring them.

Atenco Mon 23-Jan-17 23:57:02

What a bastard! He wants to be the centre of attention when you have small children and a newborn.

Isn't there some online benefits calculator? And a calculator for child support. Moving back home to be close to family sounds like a very good idea. Maybe you go home and get some pampering from your family right now.

TheElephantofSurprise Tue 24-Jan-17 00:02:33

Deep breaths and see a solicitor. Act now. Don't move out until you've taken advice. You might not have to sell or move out. Sod counselling, you can do that when you're established on your own.
He might well have your replacement lined up. They usually start kicking off about the relationship in general rather than saying 'I've met someone and my life will be easier with her than with you'.

SandyY2K Tue 24-Jan-17 00:14:33

I thinks it's £50K, before there's no child benefit.

Your DH is being unrealistic, unsupportive and immature. It seems like he didn't understand how children would impact on your lives.

To be saying this 4 weeks after you've had a baby is very low of him. Your miles away from family and for him to think what he's said is acceptable, he is totally clueless.

He needs to read some parenting books and gain an understanding of babies and children, because he seems clueless right now.

Muddlingalongalone Tue 24-Jan-17 00:14:54

Bless you flowers
My now ExH did this when I was pregnant with Dd2 (100%planned) - wasn't getting enough attention etc. Turned out he had an OW who he went off with 7 days before Dd2 was born & then went away to figure out what he wanted (with OW again) when she was 3 weeks old leaving me with a 3.5yo & a newborn. He finally moved out when dd was 4 months old.
I won't lie it - isn't easy juggling full time work, nursery & school drop offs & pick ups and the constant worry that you're doing the children a disservice by not giving them enough input/attention etc but it's doable & in some ways easier than having a selfish arse who doesn't want to be involved moping around the place being grumpy.

But most important whatever happens don't let him spoil your enjoyment of having your precious baby in your life

nicenewdusters Tue 24-Jan-17 00:46:05

I think his level of selfishness is just breathtaking. You've already had one child, he knows what parenthood looks like. You have a reason for being tired, distracted, otherwise occupied, trying to juggle 10 things at once.

What's his excuse for being a childish, selfish, cruel bastard? That he has to go to work, and can't return to a show home, sleeping children and a wife running around in her best lingerie. My posts are usually more considered but seriously, I'd just tell him to fuck right off.

Basicbrown Tue 24-Jan-17 07:46:56

Sandy 50k is the level that they start taxing it back. You don't lose it all in one go though it is gradual up to about 60k.

Sweepingchange Tue 24-Jan-17 08:04:10

Dear God, I am fuming on your behalf op angry

His selfishness is unbelievable!

I'd tell him to step up and do his duty as a husband and father, or ship out! He's behaving like a spoilt child. Life is tough with a newborn and he just has to suck it up.

I'm sorry, but a good father doesn't get angry in the night when their child wakes up and needs attention and his wife has a newborn to attend to.

You deserve so much better flowers

I know you don't want to leave op, but if you take the initiative and start making plans, it might get through to him that he needs to change. And stuff the house sale value! Some things are more important. (He doesn't sound like he'd have the initiative to make a success of things on his own tbh.)

Incidentally, does he have a good father himself?

MrsBertBibby Tue 24-Jan-17 08:20:12

You never lose entitlement to benefit, you just reach a stage where the net gain to the couple of having it is nil.

Please sort out child benefit if you don't already have it OP, it's the gateway to other benefits should you need them, and it takes a while to kick in.

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